new changes

 Well, where to start? I'm a 23 year old widow, who is currently dating another female. That always throws people off when I tell them that. But its my life and as complicated and stressful as it can be it is mine.
 I've decided to do a different blog about just random shit that happened to me and that continues to happen, in hopes that there is someone out there inspired or relieved to know that through all the awkwardness and speed bumps life throws at everyone, they're not alone.
 I met my husband when I was 15 years old, we got married when I was 19 and he was 21, he joined the army and we moved to upstate New York, where we had our difficulties, but there was always love and laughter. He deployed to Afghanistan in 2011 and was killed October 13 2011. It was and continues to be the most difficult thing I have ever faced. The military always tells you to be prepared, but, you never are. Ever. Nothing can prepare you for that visit from 2 men in uniform. My heart broke in two and to this day I am not whole. It is difficult to put into words, how different my life is, how different I feel, how much pain someone can endure. I am truly thankful for my friends and family who have stood by my side through everything.
 There have been many difficult times after my husband was killed. I became extremely depressed, angry, overwhelmed...and so many other emotions all at once. It is amazing that I still have people who care about me, despite me being a complete bitch to them sometimes.
 I have read numerous widow books, coping books and even the bible in hopes of finding some way to cope with my new life, because even though i felt as if life was over, it wasn't and i knew i had to keep going, even though i didn't want to.
    I have a few tricks that might help everyone understand how to help approach those who have lost their husband or wives.
 1. NEVER say "Don't worry you're young, you'll find someone new"
   Although you may think you are helping ease the mind of that person, it doesn't help. Realistically I know being 21 and widowed, is really young and that the chances of me dating again are good, but No one wants to hear that. To me it felt as if people were treating my husbands death as a bad break up. "You'll find someone new" is something you tell your friend while eating a pint of chocolate ice cream after he boyfriend dumps her, don't use it on a newly widowed person. Although we understand that you're trying to help, it makes it seem as if the death was just a really bad way of breaking up.
 2. Give us time to grieve.
 After my husbands death many people had books and poems for me to read that would help. Even the military gave me some books. The last thing I wanted to do was read and again as much as I appreciated the help, I wanted to be left alone, for at least a little while, in order to really figure out what the fuck just happened. No one wanted me to be alone, everyone was worried that I was going to try and off myself, and I'm not going to lie, I did think about it for about a millisecond. But after that I thought "Why? what good will that do?" But with someone with me at all times i thought i was going to lose my freaking mind. I felt like a small child being babysat by my family and friends. I say that with love because i know they were worried about me, but everyone needs a little "them" time to really sit down and comprehend what has just happened to them.
3. Dating again is OK and if you don't, that's OK too.
 I never thought i would date again. I had just lost the love of my life, the only love I've ever known since I was 15 and the thought of dating again gave me nausea. But slowly I started to realize that I wanted to feel loved again, I wanted to go to sleep with someone laying next to me. Finding someone who knows and understands your past is extremely important because the part of you that loved your significant other will never leave you. Beginning a relationship with someone else does not mean you love your deceased significant other any less. It took a long time for me to realize that no matter how much I miss and love him and wish he was here, He would want me to be happy. Never forgetting him is what keeps me sane. I still talk about him often, even to my girlfriend. So find someone who accepts you for who you are and respects what you have been through.
4. Don't treat us as if we are broken.
 All though we feel like were broken and  nothing is the same, we are still the same person as before except without the one we love. We are not children or fragile china dolls, so please don't treat us as if we are. I liked that everyone was there to help out when i needed them and even when i didn't, but what i hated the most is how some people would treat me and even talk to me as if i were a child or something that could be easily broken. At a family reunion 2 years after my husbands death, a few family members who before the death, i thought i was close with, did everything in their power to avoid me. I am not over exaggerating or making this up. The family members that did not attend the funeral, avoided me like the plague and chose to talk to me through my father, who in turn responded with "Go ask her yourself, if you got a question". But instead of asking me they chose to leave it alone, so i sat mostly by myself and play on my phone. Yay for mobile devices for making me not alone :) Although they didn't want to say anything to hurt or upset me, by pretending i wasn't in the room hurt more than anything to me. 
Those are somethings I've picked up in my short time of being a widow. I don't have all the answers, despite the fact I wish i did. I really hope that this helps someone somewhere.