Today

Today is October 13th. I hate this day. I hate this day more than any other day in the entire year. Today is the day he left. I know he didnt choose to leave, he was killed, he had no control over that but today is the day it stopped being RaiAnne and Jerry and just started being RaiAnne. Today is the day I had to learn how to begin to live without you. I miss you Jerry like no one can understand. I wonder to myself all the time (despite what people say) If you knew how much I loved you, I wonder that when you died did you know in your heart that I loved you unconditionally. That despite all my fuck ups that I loved you more than anything on this earth. I hope you knew. I miss you more than words can express. I dont just mourn your death, I mourn the life we never got to have. I mourn the children we dreamt of raising, the anniversaries and birthdays we would never get to spend together. Thats why I hate today. But I am going to do my best to hold it together. I saw another widow a few weeks ago on facebook have a widow bucket list. It was her wedding anniversary and she wanted to do somethings. One was eat a particular pie, drink   copious amounts of tequila, etc. So I am creating my own. It is my widow fuck it list:
1. Visit Jer Check
2.Eat something Jer would want to eat
3.Get a tattoo
4.Buy myself something nice
5. Allow myself time to cry
So heres to my widow fuck it list. I miss you Jerry and love you more than words. Until we meet again babe. Thank you for always watching over me.

 Saw a rainbow after I left the cemetery

 Our first Halloween together. Our favorite holiday 

7 years and first mother's day as a mom

 Tomorrow I would have been married for 7 years to the most amazing man I have ever met. If we had been able to follow our "life plan" I probably would have a 5-6 year old child by now as well. Its insane trying to picture what my life would be like if Jerry were still alive. October he will be gone for 6 years. That is a long fucking time to be without someone you pictured your life with. I am not talking about a bad break up or anything (trust me there are some people who tty to compare his death to a bad break up and I literally just stare at them because there is no carrot cake in prison), he's dead. Never coming back, buying his favorite cologne just so I can smell it, wearing his old ratty tshirts, watching videos so I don't forget what his voice sounds like, dead. I try my hardest to not let it show. I really do. I hear it all the time " Oh my God I had no idea, you don't act like someone who is a widow" Let's get a few things straight A. I am doing my best to make sure that my "Widowhood" does not define WHO I am B. How the fuck is a widow supposed to act? Should I wear black everyday with a veil over my face? (Let's be honest my wardrobe has always been mostly black so skip that one...I don't have a fucking veil tho) Should I be in my bed 24/7 avoiding any and everything that surrounds me? (Kind of sounds nice......) My point is, I have been called "That widow" or "that young widow" before. I have a fucking name, I am not that widow. I am RaiAnne, who just happens to be a widow. It is this reason I don't open up to new people. Its the reason I don't really vent to my friends or family about anything. I am more than my dead husband and he is more than that. He is my best friend, the love of my life and now my guardian angel (hopefully because lord knows I could use one).
 There was an article someone shared on Facecbook called I will always talk about my husband as if he were alive..or at least something like that. I screenshot part of it that really stuck out. It reads "But I hate the way that people look at me when I talk about you, like they find a way to change the subject, like the pain is still too fresh in my mind, like its dangerous for me to speak your name". This shit hit home. It happens to me all the time. I love sharing stories of Jerry. If you know me, than you know that. But it happens all the time, I will begin to talk about him and people will change the subject. It hurts. I miss him and I want to talk about the stupid shit we used to do. The time we got lost driving around post and swore we were gonna get arrested, or the time in high school when he got the cops called on him for playing Call of Duty. But I cant always share these stories with people because the minute I utter his name you can see the bugs crawling under their skin. For example at work the other day a co-worker had recently got a tattoo and we were discussing future plans for more tattoos. She mentioned getting her daughters handwriting so I showed her that I had Jerry's handwriting on my tattoo. I copied where he wrote I love you and made sure it was on me. She pointed out that she never really got a good look at my piece so I showed her and she asked some questions which doesn't bother me at all but I noticed the other people in the room becoming very uncomfortable. I ignored it and left after our conversation to go do a room, came back a few moments later to hushed voices. You ever walk into a room full of people and sense they were saying something they didn't want you to hear. Its a sense that, although may not be bad, they just didn't want to say it with you present. That is what I felt. Their eyes all avoided me. I get it, people feel bad because of what happened to me. It sucks I know. Death sucks. But ignoring it doesn't make it go away. I adore the people I work with (most anyway) and maybe the hushed tones had nothing to do with me, maybe it was for someone else. But I just had that punched in the gut feeling, when eye contact was avoided and everyone (who lets be honest is usually a rowdy bunch) suddenly fell silent. Not talking about Jerry doesn't mean he is going to go away. Not talking about a loved one who is gone is not going to make it hurt less. Treating me differently will though. Trust me when I say people who are grieving know. Now do we want you to be like "LETS TALK ABOUT YOUR DEAD HUSBAND TELL ME ALL THE DETAILS"...no we just want someone to listen. Someone to listen without feeling sorry for us. Do I speak for everyone? of course not, but I do know some people who would agree. I dont blame them though, death makes people uncomfortable.
       Now on to a lighter subject. Mother's day. This is my first mother's day as a mom. Pretty exciting. I decided to cook dinner for the family and a good mom friend of mine as well. Hopefully it goes well. I don't feel any different being a mom, except the fact that I need to watch her sleep because I am paranoid...cant help it. I like being a mom, not completely in love with it. That part kind of makes me feel like a shithead. Don't get me wrong I love peanut, she's my world. When she smiles it melts my heart. I just feel like she doesn't like me all that much lol. I know it sounds kind of strange or maybe it doesn't but to me it seems like she cries more when its just me and her or she'll scream louder or it takes me longer than anyone else to calm her down. I feel like I am supposed to have this awesome mom super power where I can instantly know how to calm my demon summoning screaming infant, but I don't. Like my eye liner (when I feel feisty) I wing it. I have no fucking clue what I am doing really. But she's fed, she's loved and she has a clean diaper....so I can't be doing that bad. Anyway super excited about tomorrow even though today was kind of shitty...nothing like arguing with your man about stupid shit. I know its because we're both stubborn (and mostly because he's a stupid jerk) but eventually my day will get better. If it doesn't the good news is there is only about an hour left before it is a new day. I love him but I do want to strangle him sometimes but I think that is true love. Having the ability and capability to strangle someone, but not doing it because you know you wouldn't want to live without him. *sigh* men. I would say I'd date women but I tried that and it didn't work too well for me LMAO Don't worry ladies I don't judge all of you based on one crazy bad apple. ;)
 Anyway all I can do is try and smile, knowing in heart I am trying to be the best fucking me I can. I am not perfect but I am not too bad of a fuck up either. You know what they say, Those who hurt the most, often smile the most and try their hardest to make those around them smile because they have been there in the sadness, in the darkness alone and would never want anyone else to feel that way....or something like that lol. Good night everyone and Happy Mother's day to all the human baby moms and the fur baby ones too.

 Happy anniversary Pooh bear. I love you and miss you more each day. 

Good baby, my keurig hates me, widow things and wasted liquid gold

 My little peanut is a month old :) Its so nice knowing that I've managed to keep her alive this long without anything happening (I'm actually going out with my bestie today to celebrate,..so its a big deal). She is quite the amazing baby though. I really cant complain too much. I am jealous of her life though...eat, sleep, and poop...and someone cleans and feeds you what a magical life. #jealous. She did a newborn photo shoot courtesy of Brittany (whose all around amazing) who bought us a gift certificate for it. Check my cute ass baby out. <3 And a big thank you to Violet Joy Photography for these AMAZING pictures.

 

 
 
UGH LIKE I CANT HANDLE HOW ADORABLE SHE IS! I look at these when I get overwhelmed to remind myself how much I love her lol Is that bad to admit? probably. But she is doing fantastic, doctor says she is healthy which is what really matters. There was a little bit of a health scare in the beginning because they were worried about her soft spot. It was very small and of course they didn't tell me what that means so what did I do? something I know better to do....I turned to Dr. Google. WHY WOULD I DO THAT TO MYSELF?? Don't ever google anything health related. Its all terrifying. But no need to worry now. At her last check up they said she is growing just fine.
     So I have been up since 4am which isn't a big deal for  me because its usually when I wake up anyway. However it usually isn't a problem because I have coffee. Sweet, reliable, loving coffee. This morning my Keurig decided it wanted to clog up and not brew. fuck you Keurig, withholding my delicious nectar of the Gods. Took me a few minutes and a lot of cursing to fix it. But I got whats mine. (Give me a break I'm sleep deprived). I think every new mom should receive a free coffee pot and a  3 month supply of coffee. And you may be thinking "But I don't like coffee" well you need to re-evaluate your life choices, like seriously sit down and think about why you're so wrong. Coffee=life. Of course I am kidding...you're not wrong just weird.
       So on to widow things, I will be going to a retreat in Minnesota in July. Its just for a few days but I am super nervous to be away from Peanut but I trust Bro. He is great with her and its so sweet to see him read to her and nap with her. Melts my cold dead heart. I recently started following this woman on facebook, who is a military widow and she is funny as hell. Her name is Michelle Miller, she has written a book and she post some seriously funny (and sad, but ACCURATE) feelings and stories about being a widow, One of my favorite things she posts about is "How to talk to a widow without making an ass of yourself" tips. #603 for example is " Don't say: Ill PRAY for you Do say: Ill PAY for you......and then take her shoe shopping." She is vulgar and honest and I aspire to be her. I was reading something she posted the other day that had to deal with grief sex that totally opened my eyes to something I've noticed. She talks about how when you're husband dies there are 2 types of people. Type 1: The widow who has no interest in ever having sex with anyone other than there husbands and type 2: The wild widow. She compares it to grief eating. You either don't eat anything when you're upset or you stuff your face. But there is a stigma on both....I should know. (MOM LOOK AWAY I'M GOING TO TALK ABOUT MY SEX LIFE AND DONT WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD CONVERSATIONS ABOUT IT LATER WITH YOU....LOVE YOU MOMMY) When Jerry died I did wait a while before "jumping in the saddle" with someone. I did know them which I guess is better than random Tinder hook ups...although tinder wasn't around when Jerry died so who knows. But anyway I got really dirty nasty looks when people found out I was having an "active" social life again, But the sex took my mind off what I was feeling. I was able to disconnect from my shitty reality for a while (or not depending on who I was with....that was mean lol cant help myself). But when others found this out I was treated like a whore (EVEN THOUGH most of the people at his funeral, for fucks sake, would remind me of how young i was and how I shouldn't worry because I would find someone else.....like seriously DONT EVER SAY THAT TO SOMEONE WHOSE HUSBAND JUST DIED,)and acted like I was cheating on Jerry. But he was dead....wasn't like he was away on a business trip and expected to return...he was dead and can you cheat on someone who is dead? Now here's the fucked up thing, I did feel like I was cheating on him and I would go home and cry and drink my sorrows away. I would literally sit in my parents bathroom with a picture of him and cry and say sorry. I felt awful afterward because while I was able to escape life for a brief time, the realization would always come back and hit me like a semi truck. But on the other side of the spectrum, if I didn't date anyone people would be concerned (there was a brief time I was single and not mingling) I would get told that I needed to go out and meet people. I guess they were concerned I would become a hermit or something...adopt 100 cats and name them all Jerry in his memory (Cat remember that conversation?? LMAO....Long running joke between me and my sister)  So in short being a widow with a sex life is a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. But remember just because I'm with someone else doesn't mean I don't miss him every day of my life and love him any less. He is and will always be a part of me and if you don't like it well, you know where the door is. (MOM ITS SAFE TO CONTINUE READING)
        On to a breast feeding story some of you moms might be able to relate to. So since Peanut is currently sleeping and my tatas were quite full (trying to boost my supply so I'm taking supplements) I decided to pump. So what I usually do is pump 20 min each side. No biggie I usually read articles on my phone, watch YouTube videos or just sit there trying to make light of the fact I feel like a moo cow hooked up to those automatic milking machines. So anyway 40 minutes later I am all done pumping, happy with my results I walk over to the sink to wash my pump and but the liquid  gold in the fridge for my baby to enjoy later. As I finish washing everything I turn around to put a lid on the bottle (You probably see where this is going) I HIT IT WITH MY ELBOW. Knocks over the bottle all over me and the counter. So I stand there staring at the aftermath of my poor decision making skills (WHY COULDN'T I JUST PUT THE MILK AWAY FIRST...because that would make sense) covered my boob milk, fighting back tears. So its been a pretty good morning. After the initial shock i kind of just laughed it off, changed my clothes and cleaned up my mess. It can always be worse.
 As always thank you for reading, if you have any questions or comments please don't hesitate to let me know I am always happy to answer anything. Much love.

Widows retreat, Holidays, PTSD and a Baby on the way.....life is interesting..excuse my foul language like usual

 When I had last posted I was on a widows retreat in Palm Coast. I had a wonderful time and met some wonderful ladies. One of which encouraged me to continue writing and was really supportive of my blog and other writing adventures. I encouraged her to start a instagram for her shoes because OMG they are fantastic and I wish I was her. :] But seriously I have shoe envy. The retreat was a lot of fun, it was very different from other retreats I had been to because it was a mixture of Military and Civilian 9/11 widows. The view was incredible and I wish I could wake up every morning and have my coffee on a balcony facing the ocean, but bitch be broke so that wont happen, so I made sure to enjoy every moment of it. Here is a picture of all the beautiful ladies <3 I still need to add most of them on Facebook, i just suck and havent done it lol

 dat view doe

 on the beach :]

But like most retreats I again was the youngest, which sometimes bothers me because the other ladies will talk about their children and half the time I am the same age as them, but that doesn't deter them from treating me like a sister. This time was special too because Athena got to join me while I was there and everyone was super nice and understanding about the fact that I needed my preggo naps and would wake me up when we were about to do an activity which was super sweet because I didnt want to miss out on anything. The only activity I missed out on was Zumba and I was bummed but Athena wasn't having any of that so I sat and enjoyed watching the ladies have a good time. But next my ass is doing some zumba even if I am uncoordinated and will probably fall over. 

The holidays are particularly difficult for anyone who has experienced a loss in their life. Jerry tends to weigh heavily on my mind everyday but during the holidays its much worse. As you know he was killed in October, just weeks before he was scheduled to come home for R&R. He was to spend thanksgiving with us and of course that didn't happen. So thanksgiving is always a little weird for me. I usually get very overwhelmed at the slightest things because PTSD likes to control your actions and thoughts during that time. I do my best to put a smile on my face, but often times need to hide for 10 minutes to cry it out but I wipe the tears away and continue to celebrate with my family and friends. But I know I'm not alone. I am not alone in missing him and not alone in grieving for someone who isn't here anymore. Its always going to suck that hes gone, I know this but I also know that its ok for me to miss him and its ok for me to talk about him and if you have a problem with that, well dont listen because I dont have time for you anyway. People may feel as if were holding on to our husbands and not grieving or not "getting over it" quick enough and to them I say "suck it". Have your spouse die and then tell me its ok to move on and not talk about him. We dont talk about them because were stuck in that moment in time, we talk about them because we love them and want to remember their faces, their mannerisms, and who they were, not because we "cant let go". So poo on you people who dont understand, but know if anything were to happen in your life and you needed me I would still be here for you even if youre an insensitive dick. :]

BABY UPDATE

Athena is doing good, I am officially 25 weeks pregnant and according to my app she is the size of a Prairie dog, yea I dont know my app compares her to weird shit. But shes kicking and moving around so much and its so good to feel her. After the miscarriage I was nervous I would never make it to this point, but every little kick reminds me that shes in there and this is real. Can we level real quick on pregnancy nightmares? Like what the actual fuck? I heard stories about the possibility of  having vivid dreams but no one warned me that I would be fighting off giant monsters and witnessing the world crumble around me in my sleep. More often than not the dreams are terrifying and I wake up panicking (of course depression, anxiety and insomnia from my PTSD are "intensified" as the doctor put it) and cant fall back asleep because you know monsters and shit. Sometimes they are the stupid scary dreams like I'm a mermaid and then I get attacked by sharks and parana or something. With those I usually wake up, slow my breathing, laugh and go back to sleep. But then there are some where I am witnessing people be murdered and I'm like oh this is fantastic and wake up feeling as if I seriously just witnessed them all be taken from me, so like a wierdo I go check on everyone in the house because for some reason it makes me feel better, then I go force my cat to love me for a second (who is currently trying to attack me as I write this) , turn the tv on to some stupid show that will distract my mind and do my best to go back to sleep and hopefully not have anymore crazy ass dreams. I keep telling myself I wont forget them but I always do so I think I am going to write them down, like I said some are funny but others I can do without.

My baby shower is coming up and I am super excited and also nervous because I don't like being the center of attention...ever. Some people are like well you've had birthday parties haven't you? well yes but I'm a twin so I always shared that spot light :] But my bestest friend is planning it with my sister,mom, her mom and her mother in law I believe and I trust them and know they will do an amazing job. I also know they will go overboard because as my bestie keeps reminding me shes had this planned since we were like 13 years old. I love my friends and family, were all crazy and fight sometimes but I wouldn't change them for anything and I couldn't be happier to bring my little girl into this world and into this family. 

I feel the need to give a big shout out to some of my co-workers who despite only knowing me since June have seriously been absolutely amazing to me. They make sure I am not over doing it and there is a couple who I can bitch to about anything and talk about this crazy pregnancy with and just be me around and that is very comforting because I am strange and thats ok because thats me but not everyone can handle my weird self and its just nice to mesh with people. Its also super amazing that they are excited about me having my baby and talk about it constantly and reassure me that I got this and that I will be great. You guys are awesome if any of you happen to read this. <3 

Well I guess thats all for now. Until next time xoxo here are some pictures of my crazy life :]

 right before Halloween with literally the most supporitive man alive. 

  this is what happens on thanksgiving when you play around too much on snapchat. #familygoals

Today I became a Titi

    Well today was quite eventful, as the title suggested I became a Titi today and got to hold my niece for the first time. It all started at about 7am when Joe woke me up and said "Have you checked your messages?"..."Um no why?" as I slowly reached for my phone and yawned trying to wake up. Sure enough on the screen showed a message from my sister "Babys coming, dont rush" which immediately sent me into panic mode because unlike my father if you tell me not to worry I am prone to do the exact opposite....every time. Never fails. So I called her of course, with no answer, called my mother who I woke up (If you're reading this...sorry again mom) who was aware that my sister was in labor and then called my sister's boyfriends mother, who is literally one of the sweetest ladies I've ever met. Sure enough she was there and gave me an update and told me again not to worry....fat chance. :)
            I asked my sister if she wanted me there and she said "eh" mostly because they hadn't given her, her  epidural and was in pain and mostly because she didn't care. It isn't a family secret that me and my sister have had a rocky past. I love my sister and would do anything for her but it has taken a long time for me and her to have a healthly relationship and still I often am hesitant to ask to be a part of anything. I always willing to be there and help but I also never want to over step or to intrude or make her feel bad if she didn't want me there. I'm weird but again it's how I am. After dropping off my brother at work I started to drive home. I hadnt left the parking lot yet and my eyes glanced over to the photo button I have of Jerry hanging on my rear view mirror..*que waterworks. I was hit with a wave of emotion. Everything from extremely happy to incredibly sad and lonely. Now my sister and Jerry had a wonderful relationship. He loved her so much and she him. I was happy they had such a wonderful relationship and all I could think about in that moment was that he was gone and missing this. I became sad and angry that he wasn't here, that he was cheated of this amazing moment, how he would have given anything to be there, how much he would have loved to hold his first niece, how he would have spoiled the ever living shit out of this baby because it was my sisters and he loved her so much. I don't think she'll ever know how much he cared for her, but I know and it breaks my heart. And yes I know that he isn't truly ever gone but with us in spirit but you know what I am allowed to be fucking selfish once in a while and wish that it was more than that. I want him here alive and in person. I cried the entire way home. ( I am also crying like a baby right now..I wish I was a cute crier, ever see those women who are beautiful no matter what....yea I can confidently say that I am not at all a cute crier. lol)...I ran inside threw on a bra and a skirt, woke up bro and continued to get ready all while fighting back tears.
       Bro noticed and made me sit on the couch with him while I started to have a full blown panic attack( Thanks again PTSD and hormones). Bro at first couldn't tell why the hell I was crying and hyperventilating,but it didn't take him long to figure it out. "Why you crying?....Jerry?" Ladies and gentleman I cant express to you all enough how incredibly fucking lucky I am. I do not deserve this man. Never did I think that I could sit there and cry and say how much I miss my husband to a man who loves me so much and wants to get old a wrinkly with me, and watch him comfort me and in no way what so ever get jealous, angry or in any way upset that I talk about him.
          Now you may be thinking "Rai, what do you mean,he loves you he should love all of you" I agree and he does but I cant tell you the amount of widow horror stories i've heard about ex's and even when it comes to my ex. Being a widow I cant expect the person I love to be 100% ok with all that its mentally wrong with me when it comes to my past with my husband, but there should always be some sort of understanding between serious new partners and my past. Bro has gone above and beyond when it comes to Jerry. I know I have mentioned it before in previous posts but I know that when I miss Jerry I can talk to Bro about it and he just holds me and listens to my stories and lets me cry it out. I am a lucky bitch..lol Men take note. Just kidding...unless you're a dick and then seriously take note. As widows we cry because we miss them...i'm saying that some people feel as if they're in competition with our husbands and act like we can just run back to them...if that were true I wouldn't be with your ass anyway...just saying lol This is a common topic at my widow meet ups. But I'm getting side tracked.
    So I finish my panic attack jump in the car and head to the hospital. About 4 hours later I got to meet my niece, just like her momma took forever to arrive...just kidding Cat. It was kind of funny because me, Joe, Sean ,Sean's Mother and of course Cat are sitting in the room and the doctor comes in and says I'm just gonna check you. Now at this time I was fighting with Cat's computer trying to turn in her assignment because apparently her teacher is a fucking douche nozzle and doesn't understand child birth. So I'm keeping my head buried in her computer as Joe holds up a pillow to shield his face. Then we hear "Why dont you go a head and push" me and joe look at each other and our faces probably mimicked each others in that they said "UM HOW ABOUT FUCKING NOT WERE STILL HERE" So we waited until they made her pause and Ive never seen my brother run out of a room so quickly. I started making the phone calls to my parents to tell them baby Kairi was on her way and should be here soon.
        I believe about an hour and a half later is when she made her grand entrance. When we were allowed back in after they cleaned everything up, I nervously waited my turn to hold my niece. Of course the grandparents went in before us to give them time, then we joined them. But Sean's Grandma showed up and I could tell she was so excited to hold her so I waited. She damn near made me cry with how excited she was and the fact she started to tear up and again damn hormones have made me into a bitch who cries at everything. lol But it was a sweet moment to witness. Once the crowd started to empty the room and they checked the baby's diaper (thought she pooped and I was gonna wait until they changed her....don't get me wrong I love her but Ill wait lol) My chance finally came and I held her. It has been about 2 years since I've held a newborn.... My little Harley Quinn, who isn't as little anymore( im getting old). So I grabbed her and sat with her on the couch and watched as she tried to eat her hospital blanket. She kept sticking out her tongue and it was absolutely adorable and in that moment even though there was people all talking and surrounding us it felt like it was just me and my little beautiful niece and the thoughts of Jerry came back. I fought the tears trying desperately trying to escape but knew how much he would have loved this baby and where ever he may be I know hes watching her. As a parting gift I gave her Jerrys dog tags. Of course she wont know until she is much older that they were her uncles and that I know for a fact he would have given anything to be there but eventually I will share those stories with her if she is ever interested in knowing. Well now that I am crying again....don't worry mixture of sad and happy...mostly happy I am going to go to bed. And to Catherine and Sean, I am so proud of both of you for what it is worth and you guys are going to be amazing parents I have no doubt about it. And to Kairi, you're less than 24 hours old but you are so loved and I cant wait to see how you grow. And Ive made myself cry more lol Goodnight folks.

My Pregnancy so far...

 So I announced yesterday via facebook that I am in fact pregnant. :) I am very excited and very nervous at the same time.  Tomorrow will mark the 10 week point in my pregnancy and its been an experience that's for sure. I do have morning sickness, which more for me is more like all day sickness. I haven't been able to eat much but I am making sure I am at least eating. Bro is very excited as well and he does his best to help me when I am not feeling well or when I am emotionally distraught. It's really difficult to be pregnant with all the hormonal changes and have PTSD on top of it. I am not taking any of the medications, I actually haven't taken them in about a year when tricare messed up my insurance coverage. I wasn't upset to stop the medications because they made me feel not like myself at all. I decided that I would rather feel my sadness rather than nothing at all. But I am straying off topic....Its been a very crazy emotional rollercoaster but I do try to keep positive, but with Jerry's angelversary closely approaching it is getting hard not to have anxiety attacks and to cry at any and everything. I am also extremely paranoid because of the miscarriage. I am constantly checking to make sure that there isn't any blood which is emotionally taxing.
  Early on in this pregnancy....at about 6 weeks, I noticed a small spot of blood. I went immediately to the ER. When I was there they noticed 2 sacs but only one had a heartbeat. So they treated it as a threatened miscarriage. At my 8 week ultrasound ( the first one with my OBGYN) they only saw one sac but they didn't do the more in depth ultrasound....you know the uncomfortable one that makes you feel like a popsicle stick. So I'm not sure whats happening yet. But I have an appointment at the end of the month with another ultrasound so well see what happens then.
      Today I got the opportunity to go to the Airforce base that is located near my town for a introduction to pregnancy briefing....I'm not sure what to call it. It was nice, but the woman who normally runs it was on vacation I guess so her co-organizer put this weeks together and it was like everything that could go wrong did. 1st the computer wouldn't load the oral health specialists presentation, then the nutritionist that was there isnt the normal one who does the presentation and she was really weird but i'll get back to that in a minute and the tricare representative that was supposed to talk to me had to cancel,but I did get a couple free books and some helpful pamphlets so thats a plus. Now back to the nutritionist....*deep breath and try not to rant* (sorry inner voice) Ok so this woman was way to spunky for 830 in the morning. Which was annoying but wasnt the worst part. The worst part went a little like this:
 Her: "How far along are you?"
me: "10 weeks tomorrow"
Her: " Wonderful congratulations. What unit is your husband with here at Patrick?"
Me; " Well my situation is a unique one (Me slightly panicking because I realize that no one at this briefing has looked at my intake paperwork that they made me fill out) My husband is deceased. *Her mouth literally falls open....eyes wide open mouth...if I had popcorn to throw I guarantee you I wouldn't have missed. and now I am extremely uncomfortable because its been a good 30 seconds and this bitches mouth hasn't closed yet....try it right now open your mouth as wide as you can and keep it open for at least 30 seconds.....awkward right? Now do that for 30 seconds WITHOUT breaking eye contact. REALLY awkward*
Me cont'd: Yea.....so...
Her: When did he die?
Me: 5 years ago in October.....
Her: "OH so that means it isn't his? *really?!? you tell me* NOT that I am judging, i just felt really bad because you said you were 10 weeks and if it was his that means he would have just passed away. * not like i didnt catch on to your thinking already.....JUDGE ME FOR WHAT* how did he die? *My FAVORITE question*
Me: He was blown up by and IED in afghanistan. * my tone i think showed I was annoyed by her "not judging me" either that or the 'bitch I will cut you' look on my face did.*
Her: Oh I'm sorry
Me: yea.....
 so yea after that she pretty much stopped talking and played a video for me about nutrition and she said "Joy will be right back to do her presentation.. any questions for me?" I chuckled and said no and because IM TOO NICE SOMETIMES thanked her for her time. -.- like seriously who thanks someone after a conversation like that......oh thats right...ME. what the hell?!?!
     So yea that was my fun encounter at the base today and now I am wondering if I am going to have to explain that over and over again. "Insurance is under my husbands name but its not his baby because he died 5 years ago" Its frustrating. Because they do always ask what the relationship with the sponsor is....then where he is....... But its just one of those widow problems.
     Well there is my update....of course I will post more I'm sure because without any medication to help with my anxiety and PTSD writing is the only way I can really express everything and calm myself down. So until next time.

BUSY BUSY BUSY

So sorry I haven't posted lately...I'm terrible I know. But I've been so busy, but in a good way. After my widows retreat in Atlanta I came home feeling happy and my spirit rejuvenated. Since then I started working about 20-30 hours a week, but I love it. I have some really good days and of course there are some bad ones. But its ok because usually everyone is nice its just we get really busy and it can be overwhelming.
     Tonight was also my sister's baby shower. It was fun decorating for it because she chose the theme....Nightmare before Christmas, which hands down is one of my favorite movies. I cooked baked ziti which everyone seemed to enjoy and I also got to see some ladies from my old job that I have missed talking to. Overall I think it went ok. It's overwhelming sometimes though. Having PTSD and trying to be a good  host and not freak out because there is a lot of people. Even though no one is bothering me or going crazy in my house, the fact that there are people there gets me overwhelmed sometimes. But I really enjoy planning these things for family and friends which is why I do it. Its almost like I'm being torn into two. One side of me is thrilled and the other is freaking out. It so difficult to explain. But as long as everyone had a decent time I'm happy.
  I have so many exciting things coming up but it isnt time to tell everyone yet...sorry. lol I don't want to jinx it...but soon I promise.
       Lately I have been very stressed and overwhelmed, my PTSD has been literally driving me crazy. I am either a complete bitch or my anxiety is through the roof. It really  is awful and I was thinking to myself I dont know why its been so bad lately....and as I was writing this last paragraph it hit me. Jerry's angelversary is in 2 months and in the back of my mind I keep thinking of all the things he isnt here for. Dont get me wrong, I love my life right now, but I really wish that he was here sometimes. I think about how much he would have loved to see what everyone has been up to. Especially my sister, Catherine having her baby. I know he would have loved to see his first niece be born and grow up, all the things he would have loved to teach her and all the moments he would have hated to miss. Happy moments are and I guess will always be bittersweet for me. Im very much about living in the moment and enjoying life but I do miss him. I always will miss him and I will always love him. Everyday I think about him and wonder what life would have been like. I sometimes still have dreams where he visits me. I love those dreams, although I always hate to wake up. But I guess thats life. I will do my best to live life to the fullest because I know thats what he wanted.
 Thanks again for reading. And if anyone from the  baby shower reads this thank you for coming and sharing this day with our family and making it special for Catherine and Sean. We may fight Cat but youre my baby sister and I love you and I am very excited for all the adventures that me and my niece will have.
     

TAPS Atlanta Widow Retreat

 So this past week I went on another retreat with TAPS. This would be my second one with them and to be completely honest I never expected to get in to this one because I put my name on the wait list like 2 weeks after and I just didn't think I'd ever get off the wait list, but surprise for me I did! I had an amazing time. I found out before going that we would be swimming with whale sharks at the Georgia Aquarium, it was quite beautiful. I love the ocean and was super excited to do this. Now I knew whale sharks were big, I know they could get up to 40 feet big, but to actually be up next to one in person was so intense.

here is a picture of me and the other women in front of the tank with whale sharks. The tank has 63 million gallons of water, 4 whale sharks, a turtle named Tank,a bunch of sting rays, fish and some huge ass manta rays. (One kept doing flips, he was so cute) The size of the whale sharks in the tank range from 16 to 21 feet long. We had an amazing tour guide, seriously he rocked. 

 Usually on these retreats TAPS uses the money they get from donations and fundraisers and whatnot to fund our activities. Georgia aquarium went out of their way and contacted TAPS and donated swims for everyone. Not only the swim but admission in to the aquarium, behind the scenes tour, which included an extra tour that guests don't get to see the water filtration system and in the area where other guests can watch the whale sharks and the visitors swim with them, the put the names of all our husbands up on the screens and kept them there all day. It really was amazing to see. They also do programs for wounded Veterans and discounted admissions for their families. This aquarium kicks ass. If you ever have the chance to go visit please do, everything was so spectacular to look at.

 Here are some pictures of me and the other women in my dive group. We got lucky because we were the smaller group :) 

Our goofy picture 

Our second day of the retreat we visited Stone Mountain. This was also a first for me because I've been hiking but I've never climbed a mountain before. This is obviously my before picture where I am full of hope and optimism. 

 This is me on the very top of the mountain, winded and red faced. BUT I DID IT. I climbed that fucking mountain. Cursing it about halfway up. It was a challenge for me. After the miscarriage and the slump I've been in because of it and Jerry's birthday and our wedding anniversary..if you would have told me in march that I would be climbing a mountain I would have called you crazy. But even though I struggled and got winded and stop to rest some I made it to the top. If there isn't some kind of motivational metaphor in there somewhere well shit I don't know where else you could find one. I was proud of myself. Seriously Proud. Now I didn't make it there first or the fastest, and I got passed by some children ( I desperately tried to steal some of their energy...it didn't work...greedy kids), I made it to the top of Stone Mountain. 

this is about where I had a quarter of the hike left...it also happened to be one of the steepest parts of the whole hike. It was a serious challenge for me and although others may have found it easier than me I still had a sense of pride when I reached the top. NOW the fact that I practically ran my curvy ass inside to get me and ICEE (BTW one of the best marketing ideas out there) Here I am enjoying said ICEE.

 and of course like the adult that I am i mixed all the flavors, blue raspberry, green apple and cherry. DELICIOUS. 

 The third day we did a food tour around Atlanta. There was a lot of history that we went over that I loved and of course some food, which I REALLY love. lol I bought some snacks that I got to taste test along the way. Miss D's popcorn and new orleans treats was absolutely insanely delicious. I definitely bought some with the intention of making it last because I knew it would be a while before I can get some more. But that shit didn't happen. Ive been home 2 days and its almost gone.
       I had such a wonderful time seeing old friends and meeting some new ones. My widow tank is full and I am so grateful for these retreats because they are like a reset button for me. It allows me to open up and talk with other wonderful women who understand and relate to what I have been through. Its so rare to have that shared experience and to be around not just one person but so many I can talk to is something that I really cant put into words. It sucks that there are so many of us but Its nice not to feel alone anymore. To be able to reach out to these women when I need advice or just for someone to listen. I am really looking forward to my next adventure with these ladies.

 I would also like to give a BIG thank you to a wonderful lady and her family who gave me some money for my trip just so I wouldn't have to worry about it and have a good time. I don't want to mention names and make anyone uncomfortable but you know who you are and I can not thank you enough for your generosity and love you have shown me. And you my ladies, thank you all so much for being there for me this week 💜💜

Memorial day thoughts

 Its been about a week since Memorial day and as many of you know I was interviewed by our local newspaper Florida Today. The first memorial day after Jerry passed away was 2012, it was crazy that 4 years later I get a call from the same reporter and the same photographer who wanted to interview me just to see how I was doing and my thoughts on the upcoming memorial day weekend, what it means to me and stuff.  The first picture is me in 2012 visiting Jerry (by Tim Short)  and the second is me this year (taken on my phone). If you ever see sunflowers at his headstone it means I was there, they are my favorite flowers and he used to buy them for me all the time.

 
  this is a picture I sent to one of my Aunts who wanted to see the paper. My first stop was at a 7-11 near my house and I think I bought all but 1 of their papers. When I went to cash out the girl noticed my tattoo and then noticed the picture on the paper and goes "Umm....Is...Is that you??" It was kinda funny. I was like yea thats me and she asked if she could look at the paper really quick and I was like yea sure I have no where to be I'm just going around and buying papers so I can scrapbook them later.
 It was nice to see the photographer and reporter again. They are both wonderful people and so nice and respectful. There is a short video they posted online, my parents were proud of it even though I made my mom cry (Sorry mom lol ). But memorial day isn't just another day for me anymore. My life has changed and so has my perspective on the day. I always knew and respected the day but never gave it the serious deep thought that the day deserved and I apologize for that. Now I have a deeper respect, the reality hits home and its much easier to imagine what the families of those men and women go through when they lose their loved one because I have. I understand the ultimate sacrifice, I live with the effects everyday of my life. I miss Jerry everyday and everyday I think about him and how much happiness he brought into my life and this world...even if he was an ass sometimes. But he was my pain in the ass and I wouldn't trade that for anything. And if you are thinking to yourself "Wow that's really messed up of her to say about her dead husband" well than you didn't know him because Jerry would never wanted to be remembered for anything other than what he was. If you ever listened to him play Call of Duty you'd understand. :)
   It's not easy talking to the newspaper. Reliving what I went through in the beginning. Thinking about all the things he's missing because he isn't here, but it isn't all bad. I do laugh when I talk about something stupid he used to do or how we got our first XBOX, the face he made when we found Zoo our cat and things like that. I like to talk about him to keep his memory alive, he may not be here but telling his stories and helping people the way he used to helps me to remember him. When people ask "why" I just tell them it's what he would have wanted or it's what he would have done.
 So even if memorial day for you isn't as meaningful as it is to someone else's family,take a moment of silence, have a beer or a shot, hug your loved ones for just a minute longer because there are some of us who can't and would give anything to do it again. Jerry's favorite was Jager but it will be a cold day in hell before I drink anymore of that lol sorry babe, but I will have a beer for you.

Rolling with the punches

 Well since I last wrote (which I had to go back and look at because I forgot what I wrote about besides the miscarriage...thank you PTSD) I discussed my miscarriage and that was pretty much it. But since then I went to a widows retreat with American Widow Project ( an awesome organization which you should check out) in Destin Florida, had what would have been Jerry's 28th birthday pass, attended a gender reveal party for my baby sister and finally in my shit show of life got some good news.
     We'll start with the widows retreat. This was my first widows retreat with AWP and after finding out I did in fact have a miscarriage I decided I was still going to go anyway, I needed to be around other women who could at least help me with dealing with the wonderful gift of being a widow and at least be able to talk some of out. I drove to Lakeland with my boyfriend, Joseph or Bro as we all call him. From Lakeland I drove by myself to Destin, which was about a  6 hour drive. It was nice because for some reason my GPS decided to take me the scenic route which is nice because if you are familiar with Florida I would have had to take I4 which is ALWAYS a nightmare. So it was kind of nice driving the back roads, I even got to drive by a farm that had a few baby goats playing and it was so freaking adorable. But the drive gave me time to think, I was able to roll the windows down and listen to my music and just escape for awhile.

     I was meeting a widow because we were going to car pool because parking at the place we are staying had limited parking so I agreed to meet and car pool with a widow who was recently widowed, 5 months at the time if I'm not mistaken. I was anxious, like usual...no surprise there. I find that at my widow retreats or seminars for survivors that I go to it is the only time I would and will ever get in the car with or pick up perfect strangers. Like seriously...I met this woman in a remote location and let her and another widow she met up with in my car where we drove another 40 minutes or so to the retreat, she could have been a serial killer lol and this isn't the first time I've done this at a retreat. I've watched enough horror movies to know better but I digress. (actually I believe we spoke about this in the car on the way lmao) We got there and the place was gorgeous. 3 story little vacation home and I was placed on the 3rd floor in a room with a bunk bed. It was such a nice place though. We all introduced ourselves and had some pizza and salad and waited for a reporter to show up. The community was very aware and very welcoming to us. After that we all went upstairs and talked about our husbands, how long we were together, their branch, how they died. We also talked about what we hoped to get out of the weekend. I forgot to mention that this group only consisted of about 10 of us so it was really small group which was different from TAPS which had like 30 women. But I had a wonderful time talking with all these ladies and hanging out. When the weekend was over I really didn't want to leave lol theres a type of connection you make with these women and its so instant and so strong. It's like being different and people around you understand but they cant completely grasp it and then finding a group of people who understand exactly how you feel, down to the most intimate thoughts. This retreat was a little difficult for me because of everything that happened before the retreat. But it was nice to get away for a few days.
     Jerrys birthday came and went. He would have been 28. Birthdays are always hard for me because he isnt here to celebrate them anymore. Then of course my Wedding anniversary was last month as well. Thats a lot harder than the birthdays in a sense because everyone remembers Jerrys Birthday but I am really the only one who remembers and celebrates our anniversary. It sucks. But there isnt much that I can really do. I hate this time of year because its just a constant reminder that he isnt here.
 My sister is having a girl!! on a more positive note. Kairi Elizabeth. I'm excited to be an aunt. The party was very nice, her boyfriends Mom threw the party for them and they are wonderful people, funny too which is a nice relief since our family has a fucked up sense of humor and you really need to be able to joke to be around us...like for real we are not normal. lol. But it was awesome and I took some awesome photos of them. Here is one I edited for them.

But all in all it was a fantastic party with amazing food because DAMN  can she cook. I also recently attended a craw fish dinner they had to celebrate his mother passing her doctorate I believe. First time having craw fish and they were good. 

And now I will be leaving retail which I am so happy about. I am so tired of being yelled at over fucking coupons.. BTW if you are one of those people who yell at the cashiers because your fucking coupon doesn't work because you don't know how to read a fucking expiration date or some other reason fuck you. Like seriously. And a little side note...if the coupon doesn't work and your not an asshole cashiers are more likely to try and help you get a better deal. Because when people are nice to me I try and help them out I will ask a manager hey can we help them out someway and usually I can do something but if you come up to me guns blazing and acting like I have personally wronged you by not letting you use a coupon that expired like 6 months ago than screw you I hope you get 3 flat tires on the way to where ever you are going like One day I hope that I see you at your job when you're having a shit day and I hope you remember me and think to yourself "OH shit I was really mean to that girl" and then I am going to ask for your manager and whisper some thing to him/her that makes you nervous and go crazy thinking about what was said. But in reality I didn't say anything about you I just wanted to make you sweat....anyway now that, that crazy rant is over....I should really find a hobby...lol sorry about that. But back to where I was originally headed with this I am getting a new job. I will be working with animals and I am super excited about it. Also very nervous because I have a big heart when It comes to animals and when I have to put one to sleep I am gonna lose it. Thankfully they only do that when it is medically necessary. I am very excited though especially because my current boss is a misogynistic asshole. Retaliation is such a huge issue within the work place and when something is mentioned you either get in more trouble or no one does anything because they are afraid of it either getting worse or wasting their breath. Many people have already complained or written to corporate but I doubt any good will come of it. We had employee opinion things that are supposed to be anonymous but i doubt it. Anyway I wrote out whole thing and sent it in. I was honest with the questions they asked so I can only hope that for the other employees it gets better. 

       The last thing I will talk about is that in 10 days I will be  driving up to Atlanta on another widow retreat this time with TAPS. Im so happy and grateful to be able to go to 2 retreats so close together, I really do need it though because things have been stressful and I just need some time with people who can understand.  

       Oh and I was also interviewed on Florida Today to talk about memorial day and whatnot which was awesome but I will talk more about that next time. 

Reflecting

 This past weekend I went to a TAPS regional seminar. I drove to Orlando, by myself, which in its self is an amazing feat. When I first arrived I decided to go check in to the seminar and see if there was anything going on for me. I walked up, gave them my name and then they handed me my new TAPS shirt, cute tote bag, free book about grief and some other little things. After talking to one of the volunteers who also lost her husband, I started to feel a little over whelmed. She must have noticed because she told me "Its ok to get upset and cry here, but remember when you want a hug or comfort say 'engage' when you don't want to talk about it or want the subject dropped just say 'Deflect." I never realized how easy that actually was. All the times I sat there being uncomfortable around people who wanted to comfort me I could have easily said "deflect" or if I just wanted some love "engage". Two simple words with so much meaning.
             On this weekend in Orlando I met a family who let me eat with them and just talk with them which is so nice. As we were driving to dinner on Saturday night we all kind of chuckled at the fact that i was in the car with complete strangers and in no other circumstances would i ever get into a strangers car. But this organization is like a family. The minute you walk in you are filled with a warm feeling that is like "this place is safe...this is our space".Its really nice to have that, especially if youre like me and feel uncomfortable in a lot of places.

I learned a lot from that seminar. What i took with me mostly was that I AM NOT ALONE. What i am feeling,  these other widows have  felt and still feeling. My memory issues, anger issues are all related to my grief and I never let myself mourn like I should have. I grieved, but did not mourn long enough. and right now that statement really bothers me.
         At my new job I feel very out of place. Like i don't fit in anywhere.I try to start conversations with people and I feel so judged by them or I hear them talking bad about me later on....idk. I feel so not welcomed....like some crazy outsider to this little club I am not welcome in. I know it sounds stupid but its how it truly feels.
    And on top of all this I miss him. I miss Jerry so much. Sometimes I cant even say his name without tearing up. I have to numb myself when I talk about him just to get through the conversation.  I am almost 2 months out from his Angel anniversary. That could be contributing to my craziness right now. I know i need to find my new normal and i want to live with him by my side even if its his spirit in my heart. I want to make him proud.
       Going back to the seminar.....there were a lot of good things i learned and a lot of wonderful people i met, but there was this one woman in the spouses and significant others group that really bothered me. When we all got into the room there was about 6 of us. The leaders of the group decided to have us sit in a small circle since there wasn't that many of us and this woman decided to sit out. We asked her to join and she flat out said no. When asked why she didn't want to join she said "Because i thought this was for spouses only, not significant others". This statement kind of caught me  and everyone off guard and we asked her why does it matter. Well long story short in her mind it mattered a great deal because significant others means they weren't married and therefore shouldn't be in the spouses group. The air was very thick in there and of course someone says how many spouses do we have in here...surprise everyone raised their hand. so now she was pretty much awkwardly forced to join the group. That was my only negative experience. TAPS is such an awesome organization and theyve helped me through so much. Even still now as my insurance tried to mess my life up. but that is another story for later i guess.  Also if anyone reading this has any questions i could help with or they just want to share please let me know. I always have an ear available.

Widow is the worst word....

 Widow is the worst word...ok maybe not the WORST word out there, but it is quite awful. I absolutely hate that word because that is the only way to describe my situation. Widow...makes me sound like I'm a 75 year old lady who lost her  husband, not a 25 year old woman in college, trying everyday to feel normal. But then again what is normal...nothing really.
  I wish there was another way to describe the pain I feel everyday or the pain I feel when I think of him, the life we should've had, when people tell me "Oh your so young, you'll find someone else".
      Although my favorite thing to hear is "You're kidding!" in my head I think "Yes I am kidding what a funny joke right, who would be widowed this young. so glad you fell for it" but polite anti-social me says "no" and then I usually find myself apologizing...why? I have no clue. I do apologize to people a lot for reasons that are unknown.
        Today is tough for me. I am not really sure why, but today I feel very sad...very alone. I miss Jerry. Even thinking about him makes my heart hurt deep deep inside. Its a pain I cant really describe, but if you have ever experienced a close loss, you know what pain I am talking about. I want to reach out and talk to someone but I wouldn't know what to say and then make things weird, I am very good at making things weird.
     I have recently decided that I no longer want to be on medication. On medication I felt like a zombie. I felt no emotion...well let me rephrase that. I could feel my emotions but I couldn't express them, except anger. Anger always has a way of sneaking in there and fucking shit up.  Now that I am about a month without medication I cry about almost everything, my anxiety is out of control but I am managing, I AM LIVING. Even though it is very difficult I feel like a person. I can not express how amazing it feels to feel like a person. I know I will never be whole, my heart will never heal. There is a quote, by Rose Kennedy, that goes " It has been said that 'time heals all wounds' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, But it is never gone." If this quote wasn't so long I would have it tattooed on me somewhere. The pain never goes away. Doesn't matter what meds you're on, how long its been, If you fall in love again (REMEMBER it is ok to do so) and if you find yourself having happy moments. That pain stays, but I know deep in my heart Jerry wouldn't want me to sit in my house all day and cry (Although I do sometimes...which is also ok as long as it isn't everyday), he would want me to be happy for him because he cant be here with me in the flesh. It can be hard sometimes, living without him. Sometimes I find myself smiling and instantly think "Oh if Jerry could be here" and then part of me feels bad. I feel guilty for smiling, but I know he would want me to be happy and all I can do is to do my best and make him happy by living life for the both of us.