Meh...

So this started out as a Facebook post but then I realized how long it was so I put it here.
     For the last couple days I've been sitting thinking about why I've been so mentally blah lately, with the anxiety attacks, depression, and just overall just blah. 2 and a half weeks will be Jerry's anniversary. It hasn't snuck up on me or anything but it's effecting me early I guess. 5 years is a long time and the fact I'm pregnant my emotions are haywire to begin with. Having ptsd had been a tough ride without being pregnant. Of course I overthink everything and lately seems like that is really what's been bothering me I over analyze what people say to me and how they say it. Sometimes it almost seems people think I'm stupid, telling me how to do something that is obvious. I understand I ask a lot of questions but it's because it takes a minute for me to remember or understand. I'm not stupid just have ptsd. I don't know. I may not be 100% but I know my shit. I have common sense. Depression sucks. Ptsd sucks. Being a widow sucks. Lol but it's part of my life. I guess this is the first time since the miscarriage that I've felt this low. I keep replaying things in my head, small mistakes that I can't change...constantly replaying over and over in my head. I can't take my anxiety meds as much as I would love to right now so I'm using lavender oils that a very special person gave me. It's pretty neat it has a braclet that has twine around it that you just put some oil on and it lasts a while although I may look crazy just sniffing my wrist lol but hey people already think I'm crazy so oh well lol its hard living with depression. I know bro is worried because we've talked about it. He's worried my depression will get through best of me when the baby is born. He told me he's worried I'll have one of my days where I can't get out of bed. I still get those days, I'm in bed all day mostly crying or catatonic. I won't speak to anyone and won't eat all day. I tell him not to worry but I'm worried too. I do my best to let this not affect my life but it does and that's the reality of it. Everything ties back to jerry, I miss him I love him and will always love him and it sucks that my mind isn't strong enough sometimes.

Today I became a Titi

    Well today was quite eventful, as the title suggested I became a Titi today and got to hold my niece for the first time. It all started at about 7am when Joe woke me up and said "Have you checked your messages?"..."Um no why?" as I slowly reached for my phone and yawned trying to wake up. Sure enough on the screen showed a message from my sister "Babys coming, dont rush" which immediately sent me into panic mode because unlike my father if you tell me not to worry I am prone to do the exact opposite....every time. Never fails. So I called her of course, with no answer, called my mother who I woke up (If you're reading this...sorry again mom) who was aware that my sister was in labor and then called my sister's boyfriends mother, who is literally one of the sweetest ladies I've ever met. Sure enough she was there and gave me an update and told me again not to worry....fat chance. :)
            I asked my sister if she wanted me there and she said "eh" mostly because they hadn't given her, her  epidural and was in pain and mostly because she didn't care. It isn't a family secret that me and my sister have had a rocky past. I love my sister and would do anything for her but it has taken a long time for me and her to have a healthly relationship and still I often am hesitant to ask to be a part of anything. I always willing to be there and help but I also never want to over step or to intrude or make her feel bad if she didn't want me there. I'm weird but again it's how I am. After dropping off my brother at work I started to drive home. I hadnt left the parking lot yet and my eyes glanced over to the photo button I have of Jerry hanging on my rear view mirror..*que waterworks. I was hit with a wave of emotion. Everything from extremely happy to incredibly sad and lonely. Now my sister and Jerry had a wonderful relationship. He loved her so much and she him. I was happy they had such a wonderful relationship and all I could think about in that moment was that he was gone and missing this. I became sad and angry that he wasn't here, that he was cheated of this amazing moment, how he would have given anything to be there, how much he would have loved to hold his first niece, how he would have spoiled the ever living shit out of this baby because it was my sisters and he loved her so much. I don't think she'll ever know how much he cared for her, but I know and it breaks my heart. And yes I know that he isn't truly ever gone but with us in spirit but you know what I am allowed to be fucking selfish once in a while and wish that it was more than that. I want him here alive and in person. I cried the entire way home. ( I am also crying like a baby right now..I wish I was a cute crier, ever see those women who are beautiful no matter what....yea I can confidently say that I am not at all a cute crier. lol)...I ran inside threw on a bra and a skirt, woke up bro and continued to get ready all while fighting back tears.
       Bro noticed and made me sit on the couch with him while I started to have a full blown panic attack( Thanks again PTSD and hormones). Bro at first couldn't tell why the hell I was crying and hyperventilating,but it didn't take him long to figure it out. "Why you crying?....Jerry?" Ladies and gentleman I cant express to you all enough how incredibly fucking lucky I am. I do not deserve this man. Never did I think that I could sit there and cry and say how much I miss my husband to a man who loves me so much and wants to get old a wrinkly with me, and watch him comfort me and in no way what so ever get jealous, angry or in any way upset that I talk about him.
          Now you may be thinking "Rai, what do you mean,he loves you he should love all of you" I agree and he does but I cant tell you the amount of widow horror stories i've heard about ex's and even when it comes to my ex. Being a widow I cant expect the person I love to be 100% ok with all that its mentally wrong with me when it comes to my past with my husband, but there should always be some sort of understanding between serious new partners and my past. Bro has gone above and beyond when it comes to Jerry. I know I have mentioned it before in previous posts but I know that when I miss Jerry I can talk to Bro about it and he just holds me and listens to my stories and lets me cry it out. I am a lucky bitch..lol Men take note. Just kidding...unless you're a dick and then seriously take note. As widows we cry because we miss them...i'm saying that some people feel as if they're in competition with our husbands and act like we can just run back to them...if that were true I wouldn't be with your ass anyway...just saying lol This is a common topic at my widow meet ups. But I'm getting side tracked.
    So I finish my panic attack jump in the car and head to the hospital. About 4 hours later I got to meet my niece, just like her momma took forever to arrive...just kidding Cat. It was kind of funny because me, Joe, Sean ,Sean's Mother and of course Cat are sitting in the room and the doctor comes in and says I'm just gonna check you. Now at this time I was fighting with Cat's computer trying to turn in her assignment because apparently her teacher is a fucking douche nozzle and doesn't understand child birth. So I'm keeping my head buried in her computer as Joe holds up a pillow to shield his face. Then we hear "Why dont you go a head and push" me and joe look at each other and our faces probably mimicked each others in that they said "UM HOW ABOUT FUCKING NOT WERE STILL HERE" So we waited until they made her pause and Ive never seen my brother run out of a room so quickly. I started making the phone calls to my parents to tell them baby Kairi was on her way and should be here soon.
        I believe about an hour and a half later is when she made her grand entrance. When we were allowed back in after they cleaned everything up, I nervously waited my turn to hold my niece. Of course the grandparents went in before us to give them time, then we joined them. But Sean's Grandma showed up and I could tell she was so excited to hold her so I waited. She damn near made me cry with how excited she was and the fact she started to tear up and again damn hormones have made me into a bitch who cries at everything. lol But it was a sweet moment to witness. Once the crowd started to empty the room and they checked the baby's diaper (thought she pooped and I was gonna wait until they changed her....don't get me wrong I love her but Ill wait lol) My chance finally came and I held her. It has been about 2 years since I've held a newborn.... My little Harley Quinn, who isn't as little anymore( im getting old). So I grabbed her and sat with her on the couch and watched as she tried to eat her hospital blanket. She kept sticking out her tongue and it was absolutely adorable and in that moment even though there was people all talking and surrounding us it felt like it was just me and my little beautiful niece and the thoughts of Jerry came back. I fought the tears trying desperately trying to escape but knew how much he would have loved this baby and where ever he may be I know hes watching her. As a parting gift I gave her Jerrys dog tags. Of course she wont know until she is much older that they were her uncles and that I know for a fact he would have given anything to be there but eventually I will share those stories with her if she is ever interested in knowing. Well now that I am crying again....don't worry mixture of sad and happy...mostly happy I am going to go to bed. And to Catherine and Sean, I am so proud of both of you for what it is worth and you guys are going to be amazing parents I have no doubt about it. And to Kairi, you're less than 24 hours old but you are so loved and I cant wait to see how you grow. And Ive made myself cry more lol Goodnight folks.