If you have read any one of my posts you know I have severe anxiety and depression and have been diagnosed with PTSD. To say that I suffer from mental illness is an understatement. But if you ever met me in real life you probably would have never guessed. Why you may ask...well that because I do my best to walk around with a smile on my face everyday no matter how much I am hurting. When I finally chose to open up to people and tell them, everyone is shocked. I usually get the "what the fuck Rai" answer. Dont worry I ask myself the same question. Some days I am good, I genuinely smile, laugh and have a good time. But then there are days where I cant even muster up a fake smile. The past few days have been particularly hard for me. I am not sure why but part of me thinks it due to the time of year. Two years ago I had the miscarriage, Jerry's birthday is coming up as well as our wedding anniversary, and as silly as it may sound the day me and Jerry started dating. When I think of these looming days I think of all the memories that go with them. The good and the bad. How devastated and utterly alone I felt sitting in my bed on bed rest while my dead baby left my body. How my stomach fluttered with thousands of butterflies when Jerry and I shared our very first kiss in 2004 while sitting on the back of my dads truck (sorry pops), the one time we went down town for St Pattys day when Jerry was almost 21 and the bouncer gave him a free pass to drink even though he didn't want to. How on Jerry's 18th birthday the tradition of gifting him Twix and Mountain Dew Code Red started and most importantly how much I fucking miss him. I am happy with my life but I will always have a hole in my heart. always and it sucks because with that hole comes the daily struggles of anxiety and depression. Everyday I do my best to make people smile and laugh because I dont want them to know something is wrong. Even if they ask its not like I can really put into words whats wrong. So usually when asked I just reply with "I'm just tired" or "Just off today" because it is extremely hard to talk about and its hard to put into words which is why I think most people choose not to talk about it. For me I always think I make people uncomfortable when I just openly discuss it. There are only 5 people who I feel 100 percent comfortable talking about Jerry with without hesitation and I am grateful for that but even sometimes I avoid talking to them because it all goes back to "I feel like a burden" "People have their own shit going on" etc. So I keep to myself and suffer in silence. I have one friend tho who I wont call out by name but she knows who she is. Whenever I start to feel down shell text me or pull me aside at work and ask if I am ok. If I say yea shell always ask "But for real tho you ok" and thats how she gets me. Every time. Jerry has been on my mind a lot these past 2 days and even tho I hadn't seen or talked to her in like 3 days and out of the blue I get the are you ok message. Of course I just break down and text her everything *while trying not to cry at work*. Well I finally got to work with her today and she told me why she asks. "Well anytime I think about Jerry and all the stories you tell and how much I would have liked to have met him and then I think about you and say to myself 'Hey I should text Rai" and it never fails anytime I get the are you ok question from her I am thinking about him. And its also kind of nice that she actually listens to my crazy stories. People like her remind me of the good still left on this planet and even though Jerry gone I feel like he uses her to check on me, as silly as that may sound. This world doesn't deserve the wonderful, kindhearted person she is. I know I sure dont. Love you girly and thanks for always being there for me.
Back to my main point I guess, mental illness, whether it be anxiety, depression, Bi-polar, PTSD, whatever, It fucking sucks. If you know someone who has an issue with it please dont feel afraid to reach out. Dont be mad or upset if they dont answer you or dont want to hang out with you all the time. Talking about, hell even thinking about it is draining that sometimes I just want to stay in bed all day. Dont give up on your friends that are suffering and for fucks sake dont ever fucking say just get over it. Thank you to all of you who still check on me and still ask me to hang out even though I have backed out time and time again. Love you.
The crazy ramblings of a woman who was widowed at 21 and how I go about each day and strive to help others while helping myself.
