I dont know where to start. I miss him. It hurts. I feel unlovable because I'm just a mess. I cant do anything right, I always forget something and when I mess up I panic. Bad. Hives, cant breathe, chest pains and a killer migraine. I wake up like this sometimes. Not always which I am grateful for. I hate him. I hate him because he died. I hate him because he died in a way I couldnt see him just one more time. Couldnt hold his hand or kiss him goodbye. I hate him because he abandoned me. I know it isnt fault, if he could be here he would.  Then why am I so angry? When i wake up like that i cant let it show. Cant let Athena see me like that, certainly cant show up to work like that. Most nights I dont sleep more than 4 hours, that coupled with my horrendous thoughts it's hard to function. Hard to live. Part of me died when he did. I am not the same person. I do what I can to try and not let people see me like that. But it's always there. Lurking in the background like my shadow following me everywhere. I can literally feel the weight on my shoulders. The darkness, the heaviness of it all. But yet I smile and try to be a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter , an aunt, a good worker and a friend. On the outside I am smiling, on the inside I'm screaming,crying and praying for the pain to end. I hate him because I miss him. I hate him because he took half of me with him that day, because he took our future, he took my sanity. But most of all I hate him because I just love him so fucking much. Not a moment goes by that he isnt on my mind. Somedays are better than others..today is not that day.

Mental illnesses suck and not in the fun way and a little note to a special friend.

 If you have read any one of my posts you know I have severe anxiety and depression and have been diagnosed with PTSD. To say that I suffer from mental illness is an understatement. But if you ever met me in real life you probably would have never guessed. Why you may ask...well that because I do my best to walk around with a smile on my face everyday no matter how much I am hurting. When I finally chose to open up to people and tell them, everyone is shocked. I usually get the "what the fuck Rai" answer. Dont worry I ask myself the same question. Some days I am good, I genuinely smile, laugh and have a good time. But then there are days where I cant even muster up a fake smile. The past few days have been particularly hard for me. I am not sure why but part of me thinks it due to the time of year. Two years ago I had the miscarriage, Jerry's birthday is coming up as well as our wedding anniversary, and as silly as it may sound the day me and Jerry started dating. When I think of these looming days I think of all the memories that go with them. The good and the bad. How devastated and utterly alone I felt sitting in my bed on bed rest while my dead baby left my body. How my stomach fluttered with thousands of butterflies when Jerry and I shared our very first kiss in 2004 while sitting on the back of my dads truck (sorry pops), the one time we went down town for St Pattys day when Jerry was almost 21 and the bouncer gave him a free pass to drink even though he didn't want to.  How on Jerry's 18th birthday the tradition of gifting him Twix and Mountain Dew Code Red started and most importantly how much I fucking miss him. I am happy with my life but I will always have a hole in my heart. always and it sucks because with that hole comes the daily struggles of anxiety and depression. Everyday I do my best to make people smile and laugh because I dont want them to know something is wrong. Even if they ask its not like I can really put into words whats wrong. So usually when asked I just reply with "I'm just tired" or "Just off today" because it is extremely hard to talk about and its hard to put into words which is why I think most people choose not to talk about it. For me I always think I make people uncomfortable when I just openly discuss it. There are only 5 people who I feel 100 percent comfortable talking about Jerry with without hesitation and I am grateful for that but even sometimes I avoid talking to them because it all goes back to "I feel like a burden" "People have their own shit going on" etc. So I keep to myself and suffer in silence. I have one friend tho who I wont call out by name but she knows who she is. Whenever I start to feel down shell text me or pull me aside at work and ask if I am ok. If I say yea shell always ask "But for real tho you ok" and thats how she gets me. Every time. Jerry has been on my mind a lot these past 2 days and even tho I hadn't seen or talked to her in like 3 days and out of the blue I get the are you ok message. Of course I just break down and text her everything *while trying not to cry at work*. Well I finally got to work with her today and she told me why she asks. "Well anytime I think about Jerry and all the stories you tell and how much I would have liked to have met him and then I think about you and say to myself 'Hey I should text Rai" and it never fails anytime I get the are you ok question from her I am thinking about him. And its also kind of nice that she actually listens to my crazy stories. People like her remind me of the good still left on this planet and even though Jerry gone I feel like he uses her to check on me, as silly as that may sound. This world doesn't deserve the wonderful, kindhearted person she is. I know I sure dont. Love you girly and thanks for always being there for me.
  Back to my main point I guess, mental illness, whether it be anxiety, depression, Bi-polar, PTSD, whatever, It fucking sucks. If you know someone who has an issue with it please dont feel afraid to reach out. Dont be mad or upset if they dont answer you or dont want to hang out with you all the time. Talking about, hell even thinking about it is draining that sometimes I just want to stay in bed all day. Dont give up on your friends that are suffering and for fucks sake dont ever fucking say just get over it. Thank you to all of you who still check on me and still ask me to hang out even though I have backed out time and time again. Love you.

and when the depression hits, it hits hard. (Adult Language...like always)

Let me start off by saying yes I am depressed, yes it is probably a combo of Postpartum and my PTSD, no I am not a harm to myself or others and no you don't have to worry, I am just depressed. Its hard to express any other feelings besides happiness when you're a new mom and I think that is mostly because if you admit to being anything other than happy (or tired) people become concerned. "Oh shes depressed, hopefully she is taking care of the baby". It is like as soon as you admit that you're depressed your ability to be a good mother in brought into question. I am a good mom (I at least think so) and yea if I didn't have depression on top of my PTSD I'd probably be an amazing mom but ya know what it doesn't go away (I've tried...many times) and its just something I have to learn to cope with. My depression makes me more tired, less interested and a lot more irritable. Granted when I snap because of things I at least am justified in being irritated just not to the extent that my mental illness takes it. I was very concerned when I decided to write this because mental illness is already a taboo subject among many people and then when you add postpartum to it (another thing no one ever talks about) I didn't want someone to question me or my ability to function (I've worked really hard to be a high functioning person with all these issues thank you very much) as a person or a mom. I don't want anyone to worry. I do ask for help when I need it, if I begin to get overwhelmed I will put her down or hand her off and take a minute to myself. Whether it be stuffing my face with some carrot cake, taking the dogs outside and enjoying the fresh air, or just bawling my eyes out (I'm talking ugly cry) until I feel better. It isn't something I enjoy doing, I don't feel good having to have someone else take care of my daughter even if it is only for a few minutes it makes me question myself. This isn't a 24 hour 7 days a week thing (well the postpartum and PTSD is but the breakdowns where I need to walk away is what I am talking about)...mostly just an in the moment thing where I need to remember to breathe. I hate that there is such a stigma on mental health in general and no one talks about it. It sucks that it is seen as a weakness and something that should be hidden..well fuck that because even just me venting (or bitching) about it in a blog post, even if no one reads this, makes me feel just a little better, then I feel like its at least worth it just a little bit.
  I am happy to have her though. I am happy that she is mine and that shes beautiful and healthy. But that doesn't make me any less scared, but again I am doing my best. I just wish I could bitch more and not be judged because of it. Think about it if I were to post a status on any social media platform, that said something like "Super stressed" "Overwhelmed" or "Sad" people's first thoughts would be omg is the baby ok?? yea shes fine. She eat sleeps and poops so I don't think she has too much going on right now.

here's an example of her doing both (in batman style too). But sometimes I just need a hug to be reminded that its ok...that Im ok. It does help that shes an awesome baby, she doesnt really cry too much (yet) and when she does it's pretty easy to figure out what she wants. Although today shes been fussy but I think it is because she is tired and keeps fighting the sleeps. Why any living thing would fight a nap is beyond me. I am sure I did it when I was younger...if only I could go back in time and change that. Stupid baby me. 

I am very grateful and happy with my life but like I said sometimes a girl just needs a moment and needs to feel ok having that moment. I still hide from everyone when I need to cry, family and even bro, I hide from them all. Which is really dumb when you think about it because they have all seen me at my absolute lowest point, but I don't want them to see me now. Doesn't make sense does it? (answer is no) Oh well that's how my stupid brain works and I guess with that I am done venting for the evening. 

As always thanks for reading <3

Let the countdown begin! (I have a potty mouth so this is your warning :))

9 days. I am due in 9 days..( well almost 8 because its 10pm as I write this). Emotions are as follows: happy, excited, terrified and panic..sheer panic I've had to go to the ER like 4 times for a few different reasons, mostly because my doctors office receptionist suck and never relay any of my messages in time to get back to me or they have to reschedule my appointments for whatever reason, so again I panic (thank you PTSD) and go to the ER. I think well it is better to be safe than sorry...but then I get there and they go "Oh first time mom" and I know they think I am overreacting or worried for no reason so then they treat me differently and it sucks. After those kinds of experiences I then continue to fight with myself when I feel cramps or pains and cant get a hold of my doctor to see if I should go to the ER or wait it out. Constant loop of self doubt and anxiety...so now as I write this I am hurting...cant tell if its braxton hicks, cramps or contractions. Its to the point where I literally just want my water to break so that I know they cant say anything to me.  I'm about to get really personal so if you want to skip to the next paragraph that is OK but I need to vent and well I've never really been that shy.Thursday I was in the ER and they wanted to test to see if my water broke, which is a simple qtip test...well the nurse messed up and ended up damaging me...you're probably thinking "Rai how did she mess up" well you see ladies and gents instead of putting the qtip where it needed to go she put it in my urethra...which then caused excruciating pain every time I had to pee, I would literally feel like I was peeing broken glass and fire at the same time. "But Rai didn't you inform the nurse something didn't feel right??" Oh yes..yes I did. In between me screaming and crying and begging her to stop because it hurt so damn bad. After the test was completed she said it shouldn't hurt its just a qtip....well bitch that may have been your first indication something was wrong as I continued to sob uncontrollably from the pain. Then I go to pee and what do you know it hurts and there is some blood. They warn you after exams there will be spotting so I double checked with the nurse who assured me it was normal. OK I trust you, I did not go to school for this you did, you know. Well I get sent home and it still hurts like hell and now I am crying everything I pee because it hurts that bad. I texted a nurse I know and she told me no you shouldn't be hurting that isn't normal, they may have damaged your urethra....great. Call my OBGYN "No that is not normal and you should go back to ER if the pain doesn't go away" OK cool, try not to panic, go pee again and there is blood. Now I have had a period every month since I was 13, I KNOW the difference between spotting and bleeding. When I say there was a lot of blood I am not kidding, looked like a scene from Carrie. So now I am crying because it hurts and 2 you should never see that much blood. Now because of my miscarriage I am a little more paranoid when it comes to bleeding because that is a trigger for me. So I go back to ER and asked to speak to someone in charge because lady hurt my stuff and I don't want her to touch me again, and they treat me like complete shit. I didn't have to see that nurse which was good but now the new nurse thinks I am crazy and "theres no way she damaged your urethra I don't know where you'd get that info from"...."Well 2 nurses actually" ....now she looks irritated. On the pad I was wearing was old blood and I told her its only fresh when I pee and I have to pee do you want me not to flush to show you? "well no its spotting because you had an exam".....Its not spotting its more than spotting, but she refused to listen to me. Peed in a cup and she goes your urine is dark you probably have a UTI...EXCUSE ME....NO THERES BLOOD IN IT WHICH IS WHY IT LOOKS LIKE THAT..again refuses to hear me out. Doctor comes in tells me I am dialed and that could be the cause of the pain. At this point I am over trying to discuss my concerns because it is obvious that no one gives a shit or they just want to save their own asses. She tells me it probably hurts again because of a uti...well wouldn't it have hurt before the exam...apparently not. So they tell me well we can test your urine which is super  dark and sluggish but you probably didn't provide a good sample so it wouldn't be worth it.....(then why mention it) I had to ask twice for them to test. Finally results came back and they tell me yup horrible uti (I don't believe them because nothing bothered me before the exam) tell me to take antibiotics and go home (ok bye, I just want to leave). Go home continue to cry and be in pain. Next day (keep in mind I didn't fill my script yet because it wouldn't be ready until the next day) and what do you know the pain isnt as bad and the bleeding has stopped. Now I am no doctor but I am pretty sure if I had a "horrible" uti it wouldn't have just disappeared on its on the next freaking day. Texted nurse friend again who said "yea they damaged you and pretty much didn't want to admit it"...cool. Oh well not like I can do anything about it but still makes me feel stupid and like I don't want to go back. Unfortunately the other hospitals here suck or don't have a maternity ward.
SAFE TO READ IF PAST HERE IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO READ TMI STUFF.
  Work put me on maternity leave early. Not horribly early, just 2 days but its been nice to sit home and prepare to the best of my pregnant ability.  However, I do miss some of my co workers and feel bad for leaving them. My hormones have been pretty mild, I do have bouts of preggo rage every now and then but nothing crazy. I think its because in general my emotions are crazy (thanks again PTSD) and I can tell when I need to relax but this past week everything makes me cry. Minor things, pinch my finger (doesn't even hurt) cry, cant get comfortable..cry, something that is mildly overwhelming...cry. I am so over it, I am ready for her to be out but then I sit in her nursery and just want to cry because I don't know if I can do this. I mean I make jokes and poke fun about it but seriously I don't know. I know that it might change when I see and whatnot but I don't know. Still scared. Bro will be a pro for sure. I already know that, hes great with kids and kids love him. Hes amazing and will be amazing and I just sitting here questioning every decision Ive ever made. But I know I have a lot of support and will have help and again I am probably just overreacting but I don't know what else to do but try to work through it and try to remain positive.
  I don't know if she actually wait until her due date because I am hurting like hell right now. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and hopefully they keep it because if they don't I may actually murder someone.
          On a more positive note I went with bro this weekend to watch him coach in the wrestling regionals. I took a lot of pictures of him and the kids for their moms, I also walked up and down the bleachers about 20 times each day (in hopes of  speeding up labor because I am over this...as mentioned before). The moms surprised me a threw a baby shower for us. It was so sweet, we got cute outfits, some soft toys and blankets, a cool night light that projects onto the ceiling and my favorite thing THE SHARK STROLLER!!! I love it! Its so cute. Seeing the kids call him coach and seeing his big goofy when 2 of the boys made it to states. He is going to be a wonderful dad I just know it.
        School is going ok too, I was worried taking 3 classes but the work hasn't been too heavy for me so that's good. Now I am just trying to get ahead a few assignments so that when she comes I don't have to worry for just a bit. But finding the energy to do so is almost impossible, all I want to do is nap and when I try I cant get comfortable enough to fall asleep. Pregnancy is great lol
 Well I am done venting for the evening. I have to try and get some sleep before my doctors appointment tomorrow. Fingers crossed I get some answers and reassurance.

Widows retreat, Holidays, PTSD and a Baby on the way.....life is interesting..excuse my foul language like usual

 When I had last posted I was on a widows retreat in Palm Coast. I had a wonderful time and met some wonderful ladies. One of which encouraged me to continue writing and was really supportive of my blog and other writing adventures. I encouraged her to start a instagram for her shoes because OMG they are fantastic and I wish I was her. :] But seriously I have shoe envy. The retreat was a lot of fun, it was very different from other retreats I had been to because it was a mixture of Military and Civilian 9/11 widows. The view was incredible and I wish I could wake up every morning and have my coffee on a balcony facing the ocean, but bitch be broke so that wont happen, so I made sure to enjoy every moment of it. Here is a picture of all the beautiful ladies <3 I still need to add most of them on Facebook, i just suck and havent done it lol

 dat view doe

 on the beach :]

But like most retreats I again was the youngest, which sometimes bothers me because the other ladies will talk about their children and half the time I am the same age as them, but that doesn't deter them from treating me like a sister. This time was special too because Athena got to join me while I was there and everyone was super nice and understanding about the fact that I needed my preggo naps and would wake me up when we were about to do an activity which was super sweet because I didnt want to miss out on anything. The only activity I missed out on was Zumba and I was bummed but Athena wasn't having any of that so I sat and enjoyed watching the ladies have a good time. But next my ass is doing some zumba even if I am uncoordinated and will probably fall over. 

The holidays are particularly difficult for anyone who has experienced a loss in their life. Jerry tends to weigh heavily on my mind everyday but during the holidays its much worse. As you know he was killed in October, just weeks before he was scheduled to come home for R&R. He was to spend thanksgiving with us and of course that didn't happen. So thanksgiving is always a little weird for me. I usually get very overwhelmed at the slightest things because PTSD likes to control your actions and thoughts during that time. I do my best to put a smile on my face, but often times need to hide for 10 minutes to cry it out but I wipe the tears away and continue to celebrate with my family and friends. But I know I'm not alone. I am not alone in missing him and not alone in grieving for someone who isn't here anymore. Its always going to suck that hes gone, I know this but I also know that its ok for me to miss him and its ok for me to talk about him and if you have a problem with that, well dont listen because I dont have time for you anyway. People may feel as if were holding on to our husbands and not grieving or not "getting over it" quick enough and to them I say "suck it". Have your spouse die and then tell me its ok to move on and not talk about him. We dont talk about them because were stuck in that moment in time, we talk about them because we love them and want to remember their faces, their mannerisms, and who they were, not because we "cant let go". So poo on you people who dont understand, but know if anything were to happen in your life and you needed me I would still be here for you even if youre an insensitive dick. :]

BABY UPDATE

Athena is doing good, I am officially 25 weeks pregnant and according to my app she is the size of a Prairie dog, yea I dont know my app compares her to weird shit. But shes kicking and moving around so much and its so good to feel her. After the miscarriage I was nervous I would never make it to this point, but every little kick reminds me that shes in there and this is real. Can we level real quick on pregnancy nightmares? Like what the actual fuck? I heard stories about the possibility of  having vivid dreams but no one warned me that I would be fighting off giant monsters and witnessing the world crumble around me in my sleep. More often than not the dreams are terrifying and I wake up panicking (of course depression, anxiety and insomnia from my PTSD are "intensified" as the doctor put it) and cant fall back asleep because you know monsters and shit. Sometimes they are the stupid scary dreams like I'm a mermaid and then I get attacked by sharks and parana or something. With those I usually wake up, slow my breathing, laugh and go back to sleep. But then there are some where I am witnessing people be murdered and I'm like oh this is fantastic and wake up feeling as if I seriously just witnessed them all be taken from me, so like a wierdo I go check on everyone in the house because for some reason it makes me feel better, then I go force my cat to love me for a second (who is currently trying to attack me as I write this) , turn the tv on to some stupid show that will distract my mind and do my best to go back to sleep and hopefully not have anymore crazy ass dreams. I keep telling myself I wont forget them but I always do so I think I am going to write them down, like I said some are funny but others I can do without.

My baby shower is coming up and I am super excited and also nervous because I don't like being the center of attention...ever. Some people are like well you've had birthday parties haven't you? well yes but I'm a twin so I always shared that spot light :] But my bestest friend is planning it with my sister,mom, her mom and her mother in law I believe and I trust them and know they will do an amazing job. I also know they will go overboard because as my bestie keeps reminding me shes had this planned since we were like 13 years old. I love my friends and family, were all crazy and fight sometimes but I wouldn't change them for anything and I couldn't be happier to bring my little girl into this world and into this family. 

I feel the need to give a big shout out to some of my co-workers who despite only knowing me since June have seriously been absolutely amazing to me. They make sure I am not over doing it and there is a couple who I can bitch to about anything and talk about this crazy pregnancy with and just be me around and that is very comforting because I am strange and thats ok because thats me but not everyone can handle my weird self and its just nice to mesh with people. Its also super amazing that they are excited about me having my baby and talk about it constantly and reassure me that I got this and that I will be great. You guys are awesome if any of you happen to read this. <3 

Well I guess thats all for now. Until next time xoxo here are some pictures of my crazy life :]

 right before Halloween with literally the most supporitive man alive. 

  this is what happens on thanksgiving when you play around too much on snapchat. #familygoals