Reflecting

 This past weekend I went to a TAPS regional seminar. I drove to Orlando, by myself, which in its self is an amazing feat. When I first arrived I decided to go check in to the seminar and see if there was anything going on for me. I walked up, gave them my name and then they handed me my new TAPS shirt, cute tote bag, free book about grief and some other little things. After talking to one of the volunteers who also lost her husband, I started to feel a little over whelmed. She must have noticed because she told me "Its ok to get upset and cry here, but remember when you want a hug or comfort say 'engage' when you don't want to talk about it or want the subject dropped just say 'Deflect." I never realized how easy that actually was. All the times I sat there being uncomfortable around people who wanted to comfort me I could have easily said "deflect" or if I just wanted some love "engage". Two simple words with so much meaning.
             On this weekend in Orlando I met a family who let me eat with them and just talk with them which is so nice. As we were driving to dinner on Saturday night we all kind of chuckled at the fact that i was in the car with complete strangers and in no other circumstances would i ever get into a strangers car. But this organization is like a family. The minute you walk in you are filled with a warm feeling that is like "this place is safe...this is our space".Its really nice to have that, especially if youre like me and feel uncomfortable in a lot of places.

I learned a lot from that seminar. What i took with me mostly was that I AM NOT ALONE. What i am feeling,  these other widows have  felt and still feeling. My memory issues, anger issues are all related to my grief and I never let myself mourn like I should have. I grieved, but did not mourn long enough. and right now that statement really bothers me.
         At my new job I feel very out of place. Like i don't fit in anywhere.I try to start conversations with people and I feel so judged by them or I hear them talking bad about me later on....idk. I feel so not welcomed....like some crazy outsider to this little club I am not welcome in. I know it sounds stupid but its how it truly feels.
    And on top of all this I miss him. I miss Jerry so much. Sometimes I cant even say his name without tearing up. I have to numb myself when I talk about him just to get through the conversation.  I am almost 2 months out from his Angel anniversary. That could be contributing to my craziness right now. I know i need to find my new normal and i want to live with him by my side even if its his spirit in my heart. I want to make him proud.
       Going back to the seminar.....there were a lot of good things i learned and a lot of wonderful people i met, but there was this one woman in the spouses and significant others group that really bothered me. When we all got into the room there was about 6 of us. The leaders of the group decided to have us sit in a small circle since there wasn't that many of us and this woman decided to sit out. We asked her to join and she flat out said no. When asked why she didn't want to join she said "Because i thought this was for spouses only, not significant others". This statement kind of caught me  and everyone off guard and we asked her why does it matter. Well long story short in her mind it mattered a great deal because significant others means they weren't married and therefore shouldn't be in the spouses group. The air was very thick in there and of course someone says how many spouses do we have in here...surprise everyone raised their hand. so now she was pretty much awkwardly forced to join the group. That was my only negative experience. TAPS is such an awesome organization and theyve helped me through so much. Even still now as my insurance tried to mess my life up. but that is another story for later i guess.  Also if anyone reading this has any questions i could help with or they just want to share please let me know. I always have an ear available.