Well if you follow my blog which I don't post a lot in...(sorry)... it isn't unknown that I am a widow. I am now 25 about to be 26 and it just seems like life has a few more fuck yous left in them just for me. About 6 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. I was ecstatic and so was my boyfriend. I was particularly exited because my sister is also pregnant (much farther than me) and we decided to tell my parents at the same time and all was awesome. As you have probably figured out by my use of past tense...I miscarried. I just got it confirmed today at the doctors when the ultrasound tech said "I don't see anything I'm sorry". I still cried. Even though I started bleeding 2 weeks ago and mentally prepared myself for the news, told family and friends (who knew) that i was more than likely miscarrying and cried for my baby (yes i realize the baby was still the size of a blueberry and therefore not technically a baby because there was never a heartbeat...but it was still a part of me) i was still unprepared for the news. It sucks. IT REALLY FUCKING SUCKS. I know i can try again. i know that it wasn't any one's fault. I understand that these things happen. BUT WHY DO THEY CONSTANTLY HAPPEN TO ME? just curious. I feel as though life was like "I know i took your husband...but what else can i do to screw up your already screwy mental state?" I'm not resentful, I'm just sad. I have a great support system and they're wonderful but nothing is gonna make me feel better right now and i realize that, that is OK. I am allowed to be not OK (thank you TAPS and my widow retreats) i know this and no one expects me to be OK. But I feel like I need me to be OK.
Last night I couldn't sleep at all. I stayed up all night thinking about how today was going to go. honestly dreading the news I knew I would be receiving. And what no one really tells you is what happens when your body decides to have a miscarriage. For example in the movies its always a woman woken up in her sleep in pain, she removes the blanket and BAM blood everywhere like in the shinning. (OK I'm exaggerating but you get it). For me it was something so small. i went out had a wonderful day came home, went potty and there on the tissue like pink spot. I started to immediately panic and went to the hospital where they told me sorry to early to tell. So of course I did the worse thing someone can do and WENT TO THE INTERNET OF COURSE. So i read that i could be A) be having a miscarriage of B) just normal prego bleeding. and then after a few days of me trying not to stress the bleeding got worse and so did the cramps. I mean i have had some terrible period cramps before and that is what these felt like so back to the ER (I was not home by the way and ended up in some silent hill looking fucking hospital..not kidding wish i would have saved the pictures from snapchat..creepiest hospital..hands down. But anyway doctor says yup looks like a miscarriage and i was grateful for how blunt he was because at that point all the nurses were telling me not to stress its normal but my instincts told me otherwise and I was glad he didn't bullshit me about it. What no one tells you is that a miscarriage can take up to 3 weeks to happen. Mine lasted 2 weeks. Why is it that no one talks about miscarriages....I feel like during sex ed people should be a little more educated on the facts.....yes it sucks and yes its awful to talk about but this isn't one of those don't talk about it and it doesn't happen kind of deals. like what the fuck. Now not only am i a young widow (hate that word) but now i get to add a miscarriage on top of that..ugh life.And because I cried about the miscarriage I'm thinking about Jerry again and how much I miss him and how it isn't fair that hes not here and all the wonderful thoughts that come with losing your husband.I feel cheated and i am hurt. that's that. Now all there is to do is hold my head up high....move forward and have a glass of wine (cough...bottle..cough) before i try again. But damn does it feel good to vent.
The crazy ramblings of a woman who was widowed at 21 and how I go about each day and strive to help others while helping myself.
