Feeling nostalgic

 Life has been pretty calm for me so far, which believe me I am super happy about. I am 12 weeks pregnant and monday I go for another ultrasound which is really cool because we get to see the little baby moving around and stuff. It nice because its a reminder that this is real and that there is a good reason for my nausea :] although I still wish this baby would let me enjoy at least one meal that isn't a pepperoni lunchable not saying that there is something wrong with them, they're fucking delicious and if you think differently we cant be friends.....just kidding....maybe.
  Anyway I've been pretty hormonal..i know...SHOCKER. But with all the hormones I get a little nostalgic (didnt see that coming did you). With Jerry's angelversary coming up and the baby pulling on my heart strings I cant help but think about him and how much I miss him. Dont get me wrong I am happy with where I am given my circumstances, but I will always love him and always miss him. Its a fact and I am very lucky to have a wonderful man who understands that and supports me in all my widow adventures.
  My sister came over the other day and as I was sitting on the couch after a particulary rough day and me just generally missing him, goes "Do you remember the story of when zoo (Mine and Jerry's cat) got covered in clam chowder and ran around your apartment?" We had a good laugh for a few minutes and I've realized I've never really shared many of those goofy stories of us. It was only us in our little apartment, 1000 miles away from our family and friends. So I've decided in the spirit of him I would share one or two.
  So I know what you must be thinking "Why the fuck was the cat covered in clam chowder" well wait no more. It was a rainy day outside and given the fact that Jerry and I were super broke and didnt have a car we decided to stay in that day instead of going out. I asked him repeatedly if he wanted something to eat, he said no so I made myself some of my favorite soup, clam chowder, which was the last can of clam chowder, if I am remembering correctly. So I make my soup and walk my happy ass over to our couch and get ready to watch a movie (one we probably watched a million times because again broke didnt have internet...gasp....or cable ...double gasp....struggle is real folks) I sit down and this mofo tries to eat my soup. So we start yelling at each other (because If you know me you  know I am very protective about my food..I'm a big girl I like to eat) So were yelling and then of course because were adults start throwing shit at each other all while the cat is running around in circles because she has no idea what the hell were doing . Well I have the brilliant idea to throw my pillow at him.......It was like slow motion....as soon as I threw it I saw the mistake I had made....I DIDNT JUDGE THE TRAJECTORY CORRECTLY FOLKS...the corner of the pillow goes right into the bowl of my clam chowder, which then spirals around, throwing soup all over the apartment and all over the cat. I look at the pillow, the bowl and the cat defeated (the cat at this moment is freaking out because shes covered in soup and is running around the apartment climbing on everything that is until she realizes how delicious the soup is and starts to eat it) , while Jerry is laughing so hard I;m sure hes going to piss his pants at any moment. I'm pretty sure I cried while cleaning up the soup because I really wanted that soup lol but Jerry helped me clean it up and he made me a sandwich instead and we watched our movie.
      He always had the best sense of humor, I could never really stay mad at him. Whenever I was he always had a way to make me laugh and just like that I was over it. Thats just how he was really. Ugh hes such an ass and I miss him so much.
  Another story that makes me laugh is when he first bought the game Dead space. Which if you haven't played is a jump scare game. Its based in a space station that has mysteriously gone silent and your character is sent there to investigate. In the game there is dead people just laying about and you hear some kind of creature growling and running around and trying to kill you. So anyway Jerry is playing this game in the living room with all the lights off and I am sitting behind him playing on his phone or reading....I cant remember but I remember laughing because Jerry wasn't one to be scared by a video game, i mean come on our favorite holiday is Halloween and we enjoyed watching horror movies. So hes playing and I see him hit pause and I look up and he takes a deep breath and turns to me and goes "I need to go to the bathroom" I know I had the what the fuck look on my face because hes a fucking adult and just us so I dont understand why hes telling me this.."OK" i say "Go then"
"Babe Im not playing can you come wait by the door" By now Im doubled over laughing because this my husband, a freaking solider in the Army is asking me to guard the bathroom door. He begins to yell at me to stop laughing which makes me laugh harder. I tell him just leave the door open...(*side note he'd pee with the door open but hed never poop with the door open..I had now been with this man for like 6 years and he was still a shy pooper.)  He thought about it and then said ok as long as I would stand where he could see me. So yes ladies and gentleman I stood guard while my 22 year old, Army mortar man husband took a poop because he was afraid of the alien  from a video game. *sigh* that is one of my favorites because I know I cant accurately portray the look of genuine fear he had on his face. I mean he knew he was being crazy and irrational and even though we both knew it I stood guard anyway until he was done and then sat back and watched him play more of the game until he hold me he was scared because his heart was beating so fast he was afraid he'd have a heart attack. Ah good times.
       Well thats all I have right now, I will update more on monday after the ultrasound. Thanks again for reading my ridiculous stories and hopefully they made you laugh just a little.

My Pregnancy so far...

 So I announced yesterday via facebook that I am in fact pregnant. :) I am very excited and very nervous at the same time.  Tomorrow will mark the 10 week point in my pregnancy and its been an experience that's for sure. I do have morning sickness, which more for me is more like all day sickness. I haven't been able to eat much but I am making sure I am at least eating. Bro is very excited as well and he does his best to help me when I am not feeling well or when I am emotionally distraught. It's really difficult to be pregnant with all the hormonal changes and have PTSD on top of it. I am not taking any of the medications, I actually haven't taken them in about a year when tricare messed up my insurance coverage. I wasn't upset to stop the medications because they made me feel not like myself at all. I decided that I would rather feel my sadness rather than nothing at all. But I am straying off topic....Its been a very crazy emotional rollercoaster but I do try to keep positive, but with Jerry's angelversary closely approaching it is getting hard not to have anxiety attacks and to cry at any and everything. I am also extremely paranoid because of the miscarriage. I am constantly checking to make sure that there isn't any blood which is emotionally taxing.
  Early on in this pregnancy....at about 6 weeks, I noticed a small spot of blood. I went immediately to the ER. When I was there they noticed 2 sacs but only one had a heartbeat. So they treated it as a threatened miscarriage. At my 8 week ultrasound ( the first one with my OBGYN) they only saw one sac but they didn't do the more in depth ultrasound....you know the uncomfortable one that makes you feel like a popsicle stick. So I'm not sure whats happening yet. But I have an appointment at the end of the month with another ultrasound so well see what happens then.
      Today I got the opportunity to go to the Airforce base that is located near my town for a introduction to pregnancy briefing....I'm not sure what to call it. It was nice, but the woman who normally runs it was on vacation I guess so her co-organizer put this weeks together and it was like everything that could go wrong did. 1st the computer wouldn't load the oral health specialists presentation, then the nutritionist that was there isnt the normal one who does the presentation and she was really weird but i'll get back to that in a minute and the tricare representative that was supposed to talk to me had to cancel,but I did get a couple free books and some helpful pamphlets so thats a plus. Now back to the nutritionist....*deep breath and try not to rant* (sorry inner voice) Ok so this woman was way to spunky for 830 in the morning. Which was annoying but wasnt the worst part. The worst part went a little like this:
 Her: "How far along are you?"
me: "10 weeks tomorrow"
Her: " Wonderful congratulations. What unit is your husband with here at Patrick?"
Me; " Well my situation is a unique one (Me slightly panicking because I realize that no one at this briefing has looked at my intake paperwork that they made me fill out) My husband is deceased. *Her mouth literally falls open....eyes wide open mouth...if I had popcorn to throw I guarantee you I wouldn't have missed. and now I am extremely uncomfortable because its been a good 30 seconds and this bitches mouth hasn't closed yet....try it right now open your mouth as wide as you can and keep it open for at least 30 seconds.....awkward right? Now do that for 30 seconds WITHOUT breaking eye contact. REALLY awkward*
Me cont'd: Yea.....so...
Her: When did he die?
Me: 5 years ago in October.....
Her: "OH so that means it isn't his? *really?!? you tell me* NOT that I am judging, i just felt really bad because you said you were 10 weeks and if it was his that means he would have just passed away. * not like i didnt catch on to your thinking already.....JUDGE ME FOR WHAT* how did he die? *My FAVORITE question*
Me: He was blown up by and IED in afghanistan. * my tone i think showed I was annoyed by her "not judging me" either that or the 'bitch I will cut you' look on my face did.*
Her: Oh I'm sorry
Me: yea.....
 so yea after that she pretty much stopped talking and played a video for me about nutrition and she said "Joy will be right back to do her presentation.. any questions for me?" I chuckled and said no and because IM TOO NICE SOMETIMES thanked her for her time. -.- like seriously who thanks someone after a conversation like that......oh thats right...ME. what the hell?!?!
     So yea that was my fun encounter at the base today and now I am wondering if I am going to have to explain that over and over again. "Insurance is under my husbands name but its not his baby because he died 5 years ago" Its frustrating. Because they do always ask what the relationship with the sponsor is....then where he is....... But its just one of those widow problems.
     Well there is my update....of course I will post more I'm sure because without any medication to help with my anxiety and PTSD writing is the only way I can really express everything and calm myself down. So until next time.