and when the depression hits, it hits hard. (Adult Language...like always)

Let me start off by saying yes I am depressed, yes it is probably a combo of Postpartum and my PTSD, no I am not a harm to myself or others and no you don't have to worry, I am just depressed. Its hard to express any other feelings besides happiness when you're a new mom and I think that is mostly because if you admit to being anything other than happy (or tired) people become concerned. "Oh shes depressed, hopefully she is taking care of the baby". It is like as soon as you admit that you're depressed your ability to be a good mother in brought into question. I am a good mom (I at least think so) and yea if I didn't have depression on top of my PTSD I'd probably be an amazing mom but ya know what it doesn't go away (I've tried...many times) and its just something I have to learn to cope with. My depression makes me more tired, less interested and a lot more irritable. Granted when I snap because of things I at least am justified in being irritated just not to the extent that my mental illness takes it. I was very concerned when I decided to write this because mental illness is already a taboo subject among many people and then when you add postpartum to it (another thing no one ever talks about) I didn't want someone to question me or my ability to function (I've worked really hard to be a high functioning person with all these issues thank you very much) as a person or a mom. I don't want anyone to worry. I do ask for help when I need it, if I begin to get overwhelmed I will put her down or hand her off and take a minute to myself. Whether it be stuffing my face with some carrot cake, taking the dogs outside and enjoying the fresh air, or just bawling my eyes out (I'm talking ugly cry) until I feel better. It isn't something I enjoy doing, I don't feel good having to have someone else take care of my daughter even if it is only for a few minutes it makes me question myself. This isn't a 24 hour 7 days a week thing (well the postpartum and PTSD is but the breakdowns where I need to walk away is what I am talking about)...mostly just an in the moment thing where I need to remember to breathe. I hate that there is such a stigma on mental health in general and no one talks about it. It sucks that it is seen as a weakness and something that should be hidden..well fuck that because even just me venting (or bitching) about it in a blog post, even if no one reads this, makes me feel just a little better, then I feel like its at least worth it just a little bit.
  I am happy to have her though. I am happy that she is mine and that shes beautiful and healthy. But that doesn't make me any less scared, but again I am doing my best. I just wish I could bitch more and not be judged because of it. Think about it if I were to post a status on any social media platform, that said something like "Super stressed" "Overwhelmed" or "Sad" people's first thoughts would be omg is the baby ok?? yea shes fine. She eat sleeps and poops so I don't think she has too much going on right now.

here's an example of her doing both (in batman style too). But sometimes I just need a hug to be reminded that its ok...that Im ok. It does help that shes an awesome baby, she doesnt really cry too much (yet) and when she does it's pretty easy to figure out what she wants. Although today shes been fussy but I think it is because she is tired and keeps fighting the sleeps. Why any living thing would fight a nap is beyond me. I am sure I did it when I was younger...if only I could go back in time and change that. Stupid baby me. 

I am very grateful and happy with my life but like I said sometimes a girl just needs a moment and needs to feel ok having that moment. I still hide from everyone when I need to cry, family and even bro, I hide from them all. Which is really dumb when you think about it because they have all seen me at my absolute lowest point, but I don't want them to see me now. Doesn't make sense does it? (answer is no) Oh well that's how my stupid brain works and I guess with that I am done venting for the evening. 

As always thanks for reading <3

Welcome Athena!...and other thoughts on becoming a mother

Baby Athena made her arrival on March 13th 2017 at 1:45pm. I was in labor for about 28 hours. All I can say is thank God for epidurals. :) I don't think I could have done it without one. There was a woman in the room next to mine who chose not to have one and holy hell I thought she was being murdered. It was a interesting day because Sunday afternoon I went to the ER thinking I was having her because my contractions were only 5 minutes apart. After a quick exam (3 hours later) they told me no, not dilated enough and sent me home. By then I was starving so Bro and I decided to go to Tijuana Flats and get it to go since I was still having contractions.
 We get home and I am trying to eat but I was hurting so bad that it was difficult to even think about eating. Now I love Tijuana Flats so it was really upsetting not being able to just stuff my face with the delicious food that was before me. I decided to try and distract myself and put on a couple movies. The second movie being Deadpool. As I am watching it I am noticing "Holy shit this really fucking hurts" and like a weirdo tried doing all the breathing exercises I saw them do in the movies...I don't know if they're correct but they helped some so I went with it. In between me feeling as though a bowling ball was getting ready to fall out of my lady space, I googled yoga positions that help with contraction pain because it had only been about 4 hours and I was in denial that I had progressed any further into labor. It wasn't until I was kneeling on the floor screaming when Bro noticed and with a look of sheer concern and confusion asked "What the hell are you doing?" To which I responded "Shut up.....contractions...yoga pose supposed to help...." It didn't by the way in case you were curious. I finished watching Deadpool and decided that I was going to try and take a warm bath (again in denial that I was actually in labor) to try and help with the pain. Well I walked to the bathroom, took one look at Bro and said "We need to go back..I cant handle this I think I am actually in labor". We were both hesitant because it was so late at night now, about 1230am and I didnt want to drive all the way there to be sent home again, which I was certain was going to happen because hey she was already 5 days late why not add a few more days on there, they were going to induce me on wednesday anyway.
 We get there and the old guy at the front desk is making bro go through all the security procedures including being wanded with the metal detector thing. The guy looks at me (who is hunched over on his counter breathing heavily because of contractions ) and says I am so sorry I have to check you so I dont even move and just assume "the position" still leaning on his desk. He kept apologizing which kept making me laugh. I did feel bad though because he felt bad lol good times. We get in the room and they check me again sure enough I am 4CM and the nurse asks me "were you doing an epidural?" I don't think I have ever answered a question faster than I did that one. "Yes please" shot out of my mouth before I even realized what was being asked. All while this was going on Bro was making the necessary phone calls. Madison was the first to arrive ( I had received my epidural already which I thought would hurt more and was pleasantly surprised when it didnt but I also couldnt move my legs at all...not even a little). Once the epidural was in my body decided that it was time for a nap while Bro Madison and chris went to get food for themselves. When Madison came back I apparently made her promise to come over for meatloaf. I apparently made her swear she would come over for meatloaf and was very relieved when she promised she would. I say apparently because I DON'T REMEMBER A DAMN THING about any meatloaf related conversations. I don't even like meatloaf that much to make someone promise to come over for some. But I did and now that is my favorite story of the day. Bro also got to deliver Athena which was really awesome too. My doctor is pretty amazing and let him deliver her with his help of course and then he cut the cord which is really gross looking. When Peanut was born they put her on my chest, she was still covered in stuff and was really gross and slippery and I was so concerned I was going to drop her (didn't thank god) but I heard her little cry for about a second and then she was good and just laid there.
  We had family and some friends come visit us in the hospital and have had many people come visit us at home and lend a hand whether it be watching her so we can nap,shower, eat or whatever to bringing us dinner so we dont have to cook. Thank you all!! WE LOVE YOU!!
 Peanut seems to be adjusting well. I wish I had her life though...eat sleep poop repeat. Bro is the happiest Ive ever seen him and well me...it  is no surprise that Ive been struggling. Depression really likes to hit when youre feeling good. I am so happy I have her but then I think of all the ways I could possibly mess this up. Is she eating enough? is she healthy? etc. I get overwhelmed espically because it was a year ago that I had my miscarriage and still think about the baby we lost. Also Jerrys birthday next month reminds me about how we had everything planned out and I never got to experience this kind of happiness with him. Regardless of how happy I am and how I love my life I still think of him everyday and miss him so much. I know that hole in my heart that is meant for him and it cant be filled and I understand that so I guess it is a little easier to cope with him not here. I love Bro and I love Jerry. The best thing about Bro is that he knows how much I love Jerry and miss him and never tries to make me feel bad for it and never gets jealous. He just tells me that Jerry is watching over me and Peanut now. Sometimes she stares at his picture or his medals and smiles...not gonna lie to you scares the hell out of me. lol
  But through the depression, anxiety and shit tons of self doubt I am happy and excited for what to future holds. I know were gonna have our speed bumps along the way but overall I believe we got this... and if anything we have a great support system. <3 Peanut is finishing her photoshoot on thursday and I cant wait to share all the pictures with everyone :) For now here is one they took in the hospital.

 Shes cute :)