wow what a hiatus

Here are just somethings that have been on my mind i guess. Ramblings if a crazed widow if you must. Its funny how your grief journey progresses as time goes on. Those who have been there since day one who know they dont need to say much if anything. An hey thinking about you or a simple 💜  will remind me if even for a moment that you are remembered and that i am remembered. Those who never got the chance to know you but know everything about you, or those who only know your tragic end who reach out with a kind word or thoughtful gesture. None of these ever go without gratitude because if it werent for those who remember and continue to remember who remind me that life doesnt necessarily go on without you, it just goes on in a different way  with you being in a different place or space. Its the mutal widow sisters who make me feel invincible even when my mind wants me to feel so small. Who even though miles apart make you feel like your all in the same room laughing and carrying on like old times. My grief journey has always been a roller coaster i think anyone can tell you thats how it feels. Ill be doing fine and then the slightest reminder youre not here and its stings in my chest like a needle has been shot directly into my heart. The pain of remembering physically you arent here.  Some days i stand proud others i crumble like sand in between your fingers. Its the constant exhaustion of always trying to be positive and hide the crippling depression because "We all just need to be a little more positive right now". So you burg deep waiting for the inevitable sudden explosion of pain and emotion. You know its coming you can feel it, deep in your stomach. The familiar unease of your body trying to warn you of the absolute shit show that is about to arrive at any given moment, it isnt about if, its about when. So you do you best to hide it and carry on. Some see through the bullshit they see me and yet i reasure them im fine im just tired. And i am so that isnt a complete lie. But theres no sense dragging them down with me. I know i will be ok, nust maybe not right this second. But i will be i promise. 9 years is a long time. I miss you. 

First morning at Drum

 So I wrote an article about Jerry for Taps but unfortunately it wasn't selected to be in the paper and when I found out my story wouldn't be in the paper I was upset. I can admit that, I was really bummed. I sat on my bathroom floor and cried, partly because I was disappointed, partly because I worked hard on it and its difficult to share things like that with a lot of people and then partly because his anniversary is this weekend and in my head I guess I thought that without his story who would remember him. I know thats stupid, those who knew him know hes pretty damn unforgettable. But after talking with some people they said I should share the story. So I will say since its my blog and I write how I want I am going to put in the language I censored out for the article.

My husband SPC Jeremiah Sancho was KIA on October 13th 2011 in Afghanistan. One of my favorite memories with him is the very first morning we spent together in our apartment. Jerry had left for Fort Drum a month before me, shortly after we got married and when I arrived he said he would spoil me the next morning. As I lay in bed that day I can hear pots moving around, the only thing I could think of was he was"Oh shit hes trying to cook". This was cute but concerning as he never cooked. Ever. I got up to pee and then go help and he must have heard me shuffling through the hallway because he yelled from the kitchen "dont come in here I'm gonna surprise you " so I went back and sat in bed waiting, anxiously to see what he made. What seemed like an eternity late, he came in with a plate that had scrambled eggs, toast and bacon. He handed it to me with a big smile very proud of himself. The eggs and bacon were under cooked, when I say under cooked I mean the bacon was raw and the eggs had almost no solid shape, they were still mostly liquid ( i know some people like their eggs like that but I am not one of them and neither was he.)but I ate every bit I could. He looked at me and then started to eat some and looked like he wanted to vomit. We laughed for a few minutes as we discussed never allowing him in the kitchen to cook again. He looked at me dead in the eyes and said "I know I cant cook and that breakfast wasn't the best but that's why I have you. " We just laughed and laughed as he promised me he would never try to cook again to save us both from poisoning. After that we ran out to breakfast and enjoyed our first meal together in our new place, talking about the future and what it could possibly hold for us. I miss him and his sense of humor very much and still love him even more every day.


So there it is. One of my favorite memories of him. And yes he never cooked after that, I wouldnt let him. lol saturday makes 7 very long years without him. I miss him like no one can understand. He is still in my thoughts and heart everyday.

7 years

Its that time of year again... 7 years. October 13th will make 7 years that he has been gone. Of course I overwhelm myself with work , school and life to try to distract myself from the inevitable breakdown waiting to happen. This year feels different though. I am not really sure how to explain it. I am depressed and miss him dearly dont get me wrong, but this year I feel...ok. I dont know. I have been trying to take care of myself a little more (I am still working all the time, but I have time for myself when I get home to relax), I have been diving deeper in to spiritual studies and meditation. It has been helping. I have dropped a lot of people from my life, not that I dont love or care for them, but I cant keep being around the nonsense and for me I have enough craziness of my own I am not trying to add anymore. I still love them from a distance, but it needs to be from a distance at least for now. This year I am actually going to try and leave my house for Jerrys anniversary. There is a hockey game over in Orlando that night and I am excited and very fucking nervous. I told everyone they have to buy me a drink so well see how that goes lol. Yes I know drinking isnt the answer but leave me alone I never claimed to have healthy coping mechanisms. Work is stressing me out something fierce. I try to go in everyday and do my best but I am wearing thin. Things have been crazy and I am just trying to work my hardest to give Pea the best life I can. She is currently with Abuela who I am pretty sure has kidnapped my kid again. She hurt her ankle and we told her we'd go get her but here and her friend are going to have a girls shopping day so she wanted to keep her. Family dinner night has been moved to satruday, I love seeing my parents with Pea and Kairi. The girls are getting bigger and more unique and its just neat to see them interact with them. My parents of course had to spoil them and already bought them a big ass christmas present, I am excited to see them open it. After having Pea I feel happier during the holidays. After Jerry died it was really hard for me, I didnt want to celebrate anything, even Halloween which has always been our favorite. This year I am excited to dress Pea up again and still toying around the idea of throwing a party. Christmas I could never get back into but recently I find myself getting a little more excited than previous about Christmas. We'll see what happens. Bro has been super sweet to me recently due to all my stress from work and school. He knows when I have a bad day, he either has wine waiting for me or a hot bath with bath bombs. He even got more at Target. He picked some up and I asked him what he was doing.. "I like making you baths with the bombs and youre almost out". Kinda melted my heart a little bit. He cant relate to my issues on every level, I know that and he knows that so when he does little things like that it really shows me hes trying to understand and if he cant hes at least trying to help me chill out a bit. Such a cool guy.

 One of my favorite people from work is leaving for a better opportunity. It sucks for me but I am super happy for her. Shes a great person and great at what she does so her new job will benefit greatly but I will miss working with her. Were still gonna hang out so it will be alright work will just suck a little more. Ive learned a lot from her and I cant thank her enough for all the stuff shes taught me, answering all my dumb ass / weird questions. I dont even know if shell read this lol

     Another one of my friends went to New York and was kind enough to go see the 9/11 memorial where Jerry has a cobblestone in the garden. It was really neat to see where it is. I sometimes feel a lone in my grief but when I have friends who remember or go out of their way on their vacation to go look for a Jerry thing somewhere, it makes it a little easier. She didnt know Jerry but she knows me and that really makes me feel special because she wasnt doing it to see him for herself she did it for me and thats a really great friend. Well I am going to go put out some decorations because everyone is asleep. Halloween Horror nights has taken a toll on everyone and theyre all napping. Last night was a blast though so I dont blame them but I am a weirdo who can never nap. It really sucks. lol Anyway thats all for now. I may do a memorial post for Jerry next week but dont hold me to it. If there is anything you wanted to know about him, ask and ill tell. Same if you have questions for me, feel free to ask. 

Im Trying

I'm trying. I use that phrase quite often. "Hey be happy" I'm trying. "Hey just do your best" I'm trying. I am tired, I am unsure, I am insecure, i am overworked and overwhelmed, I overthink ,overreact and break down. I am trying my best to be the best fucking me I can be. I am trying to motivate others to do the same. I am tired. At work I try to be the most helpful, to be the one who motivates others to be kind and help,but I'm also over everyone's shit. I have enough going on to worry about the drama there. Half the time I hear my name and I just ignore it  I dont even care anymore. If people hate me then so be it. No one asks "hey how are you" it's always "hey did you hear about this one or that one"...no and I dont care unless their in some kind of dire aid then I really dont give a shit. I am a friend to vent to but not someone who will listen to you bash someone else who's standing 5 feet away  just because you feel like it or dont like them. I dont like a lot of people but you'd never know because like a fucking adult I treat everyone with respect. You ask me to help you...sure. you want me to grab something for you...yea no problem. It doesn't matter if I like you or not I get paid to do my job. That's it. I am guilty of shit talking hell fucking yea I am. Show me one person who doesnt shit talk and I'll show you a liar. The difference is I know when and where to vent.  Sorry went off on a tangent there. Anyway my point is...I am broken...I am tired....i am almost over it....but I am not giving up either. Yea I wanna quit but that just isnt in the cards for me.  I'm gonna keep trucking on this gravy train of depression and anxiety until it can't go anymore. 💜

I dont know where to start. I miss him. It hurts. I feel unlovable because I'm just a mess. I cant do anything right, I always forget something and when I mess up I panic. Bad. Hives, cant breathe, chest pains and a killer migraine. I wake up like this sometimes. Not always which I am grateful for. I hate him. I hate him because he died. I hate him because he died in a way I couldnt see him just one more time. Couldnt hold his hand or kiss him goodbye. I hate him because he abandoned me. I know it isnt fault, if he could be here he would.  Then why am I so angry? When i wake up like that i cant let it show. Cant let Athena see me like that, certainly cant show up to work like that. Most nights I dont sleep more than 4 hours, that coupled with my horrendous thoughts it's hard to function. Hard to live. Part of me died when he did. I am not the same person. I do what I can to try and not let people see me like that. But it's always there. Lurking in the background like my shadow following me everywhere. I can literally feel the weight on my shoulders. The darkness, the heaviness of it all. But yet I smile and try to be a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter , an aunt, a good worker and a friend. On the outside I am smiling, on the inside I'm screaming,crying and praying for the pain to end. I hate him because I miss him. I hate him because he took half of me with him that day, because he took our future, he took my sanity. But most of all I hate him because I just love him so fucking much. Not a moment goes by that he isnt on my mind. Somedays are better than others..today is not that day.

Hot damn it's been a minute

Where do I start? Sorry for being gone so long. So much to catch up on. Where to start?? Well I went to chicago on a widows retreat and had the most amazing time and met some wonderful ladies. I did flying trapeze and ate real deep dish pizza which was so fucking good. Went to mega con and met Jason momoa who could have taken me away right there and I would have been happy as a pig in shit. And as I type I am currently relaxing on my uncles back porch in ft Lauderdale on a mini vacation. But like usual with all the good there has been some bad. Jerry's 30th birthday passed which fucking sucked. A milestone birthday...and here I thought just regular birthdays sucked. I tired to imagine him at 30. Some grumpy old man still playing games and screaming at children. God what I wouldn't give to see him. My brother did buy a cake to celebrate and I cried because it was just so thoughtful. Our wedding anniversary passed a month after that (what fucking genius decided to get married a month after their husband's birthday....oh yea me.oops) but after that brief time of serious depression I jumped on a plane to Chicago to meet other widows which makes me feel better. Wierd I know but picture this. A whole clan of ladies who knows and understands your crazy. It's pretty great. No having to explain why I'm crying and laughing at the same time. Even tho were all different and of different beliefs and backgrounds were all one. I know some hippie shit but I've never claimed to be anything else.
Work has been ok. Some drama going on like usual but that's to be expected working with all women. My biggest fear taking that job was "shit I don't like people especially bitchy women" but not all of them are bitchy so it helps. I just remind myself that I'm there to work and if they want to start shit they're gonna do it whether or not I'm there so it is what it is. Keep to my damn self as best I can and remind the good ones that I'm lucky to have them.
I've been on a weight loss journey too. For someone who treats depression with snacks it has been a hard road. One could say rocky road?? (get it..like the ice cream because I'm a fat piece of shit.. i'm fucking hilarious and you know it). But in all seriousness I've lost quite a bit of weight and I'm proud. Got a ways to go but I'm getting there. 3 of my wonderful friends chipped in for my birthday and gifted me with a new fit bit which was beyond amazing. Such wonderful thoughtful people. Seriously they're amazing. But we've all been competing with my brother included and now we are all getting in shape because were all too competitive. Like seriously I've lost like more than 10 pounds. Thanks awesome friends. I dont deserve you 💜💜
  Athena is doing well. She recently had her check up and they're still concerned about her head but the neuro doc isn't so I gonna listen to the specialist. Shes smart (for the most part...sometimes I worry when she wears my shorts on her head and runs into walls but at least shes pretty) she is learning some sign language, loves sesame street and eats like a horse. Everyone tells me shes gonna be tall so I'm fucked. Thankful I have a really tall friend who is gonna help me with all the tall baby needs.  (Thanks Jack...if you even read this).
Life is ok right now and that's ok. Life can never be perfect when you really miss someone but it can be close and I guess that's where I'm at. I'm as happy as I can be and fuck I'll take it. I'm always gonna have my ups and downs but I feel a little more prepared for them.

Mental illnesses suck and not in the fun way and a little note to a special friend.

 If you have read any one of my posts you know I have severe anxiety and depression and have been diagnosed with PTSD. To say that I suffer from mental illness is an understatement. But if you ever met me in real life you probably would have never guessed. Why you may ask...well that because I do my best to walk around with a smile on my face everyday no matter how much I am hurting. When I finally chose to open up to people and tell them, everyone is shocked. I usually get the "what the fuck Rai" answer. Dont worry I ask myself the same question. Some days I am good, I genuinely smile, laugh and have a good time. But then there are days where I cant even muster up a fake smile. The past few days have been particularly hard for me. I am not sure why but part of me thinks it due to the time of year. Two years ago I had the miscarriage, Jerry's birthday is coming up as well as our wedding anniversary, and as silly as it may sound the day me and Jerry started dating. When I think of these looming days I think of all the memories that go with them. The good and the bad. How devastated and utterly alone I felt sitting in my bed on bed rest while my dead baby left my body. How my stomach fluttered with thousands of butterflies when Jerry and I shared our very first kiss in 2004 while sitting on the back of my dads truck (sorry pops), the one time we went down town for St Pattys day when Jerry was almost 21 and the bouncer gave him a free pass to drink even though he didn't want to.  How on Jerry's 18th birthday the tradition of gifting him Twix and Mountain Dew Code Red started and most importantly how much I fucking miss him. I am happy with my life but I will always have a hole in my heart. always and it sucks because with that hole comes the daily struggles of anxiety and depression. Everyday I do my best to make people smile and laugh because I dont want them to know something is wrong. Even if they ask its not like I can really put into words whats wrong. So usually when asked I just reply with "I'm just tired" or "Just off today" because it is extremely hard to talk about and its hard to put into words which is why I think most people choose not to talk about it. For me I always think I make people uncomfortable when I just openly discuss it. There are only 5 people who I feel 100 percent comfortable talking about Jerry with without hesitation and I am grateful for that but even sometimes I avoid talking to them because it all goes back to "I feel like a burden" "People have their own shit going on" etc. So I keep to myself and suffer in silence. I have one friend tho who I wont call out by name but she knows who she is. Whenever I start to feel down shell text me or pull me aside at work and ask if I am ok. If I say yea shell always ask "But for real tho you ok" and thats how she gets me. Every time. Jerry has been on my mind a lot these past 2 days and even tho I hadn't seen or talked to her in like 3 days and out of the blue I get the are you ok message. Of course I just break down and text her everything *while trying not to cry at work*. Well I finally got to work with her today and she told me why she asks. "Well anytime I think about Jerry and all the stories you tell and how much I would have liked to have met him and then I think about you and say to myself 'Hey I should text Rai" and it never fails anytime I get the are you ok question from her I am thinking about him. And its also kind of nice that she actually listens to my crazy stories. People like her remind me of the good still left on this planet and even though Jerry gone I feel like he uses her to check on me, as silly as that may sound. This world doesn't deserve the wonderful, kindhearted person she is. I know I sure dont. Love you girly and thanks for always being there for me.
  Back to my main point I guess, mental illness, whether it be anxiety, depression, Bi-polar, PTSD, whatever, It fucking sucks. If you know someone who has an issue with it please dont feel afraid to reach out. Dont be mad or upset if they dont answer you or dont want to hang out with you all the time. Talking about, hell even thinking about it is draining that sometimes I just want to stay in bed all day. Dont give up on your friends that are suffering and for fucks sake dont ever fucking say just get over it. Thank you to all of you who still check on me and still ask me to hang out even though I have backed out time and time again. Love you.