BUSY BUSY BUSY

So sorry I haven't posted lately...I'm terrible I know. But I've been so busy, but in a good way. After my widows retreat in Atlanta I came home feeling happy and my spirit rejuvenated. Since then I started working about 20-30 hours a week, but I love it. I have some really good days and of course there are some bad ones. But its ok because usually everyone is nice its just we get really busy and it can be overwhelming.
     Tonight was also my sister's baby shower. It was fun decorating for it because she chose the theme....Nightmare before Christmas, which hands down is one of my favorite movies. I cooked baked ziti which everyone seemed to enjoy and I also got to see some ladies from my old job that I have missed talking to. Overall I think it went ok. It's overwhelming sometimes though. Having PTSD and trying to be a good  host and not freak out because there is a lot of people. Even though no one is bothering me or going crazy in my house, the fact that there are people there gets me overwhelmed sometimes. But I really enjoy planning these things for family and friends which is why I do it. Its almost like I'm being torn into two. One side of me is thrilled and the other is freaking out. It so difficult to explain. But as long as everyone had a decent time I'm happy.
  I have so many exciting things coming up but it isnt time to tell everyone yet...sorry. lol I don't want to jinx it...but soon I promise.
       Lately I have been very stressed and overwhelmed, my PTSD has been literally driving me crazy. I am either a complete bitch or my anxiety is through the roof. It really  is awful and I was thinking to myself I dont know why its been so bad lately....and as I was writing this last paragraph it hit me. Jerry's angelversary is in 2 months and in the back of my mind I keep thinking of all the things he isnt here for. Dont get me wrong, I love my life right now, but I really wish that he was here sometimes. I think about how much he would have loved to see what everyone has been up to. Especially my sister, Catherine having her baby. I know he would have loved to see his first niece be born and grow up, all the things he would have loved to teach her and all the moments he would have hated to miss. Happy moments are and I guess will always be bittersweet for me. Im very much about living in the moment and enjoying life but I do miss him. I always will miss him and I will always love him. Everyday I think about him and wonder what life would have been like. I sometimes still have dreams where he visits me. I love those dreams, although I always hate to wake up. But I guess thats life. I will do my best to live life to the fullest because I know thats what he wanted.
 Thanks again for reading. And if anyone from the  baby shower reads this thank you for coming and sharing this day with our family and making it special for Catherine and Sean. We may fight Cat but youre my baby sister and I love you and I am very excited for all the adventures that me and my niece will have.