wow what a hiatus

Here are just somethings that have been on my mind i guess. Ramblings if a crazed widow if you must. Its funny how your grief journey progresses as time goes on. Those who have been there since day one who know they dont need to say much if anything. An hey thinking about you or a simple 💜  will remind me if even for a moment that you are remembered and that i am remembered. Those who never got the chance to know you but know everything about you, or those who only know your tragic end who reach out with a kind word or thoughtful gesture. None of these ever go without gratitude because if it werent for those who remember and continue to remember who remind me that life doesnt necessarily go on without you, it just goes on in a different way  with you being in a different place or space. Its the mutal widow sisters who make me feel invincible even when my mind wants me to feel so small. Who even though miles apart make you feel like your all in the same room laughing and carrying on like old times. My grief journey has always been a roller coaster i think anyone can tell you thats how it feels. Ill be doing fine and then the slightest reminder youre not here and its stings in my chest like a needle has been shot directly into my heart. The pain of remembering physically you arent here.  Some days i stand proud others i crumble like sand in between your fingers. Its the constant exhaustion of always trying to be positive and hide the crippling depression because "We all just need to be a little more positive right now". So you burg deep waiting for the inevitable sudden explosion of pain and emotion. You know its coming you can feel it, deep in your stomach. The familiar unease of your body trying to warn you of the absolute shit show that is about to arrive at any given moment, it isnt about if, its about when. So you do you best to hide it and carry on. Some see through the bullshit they see me and yet i reasure them im fine im just tired. And i am so that isnt a complete lie. But theres no sense dragging them down with me. I know i will be ok, nust maybe not right this second. But i will be i promise. 9 years is a long time. I miss you.