For some, memorial day is everyday

This morning I was good. Last night was an awesome night, had some friends over drank some  (an entire bottle) of sangria and played some board games. I knew what today was, I thought I was prepared (i wasnt). This morning I woke up to my baby smiling at me and my dogs cuddled up close, but I could feel it. I tried pushing it  down, pretending it wasn't going to affect me. "This year will be different. This year I won't be so upset". Then I checked Facebook like i always do and in my memories was my interview with Florida today. "I'll just make a small post about it " I thought as I hit the share button  . I didn't even bother rewatching the video. "You're ok" I thought to myself as I feed my hangry baby "today will not bring you down. We won't let anxiety or depression win" I can be so naive. "You're friends are here, go have fun and stop being so anti-social. Stop being you. " I am my biggest critic and meanest bully some times. " it's been almost 6 years." I say to myself, as I cry in the shower..then why does it always feel like yesterday? I try to keep a smile on my face, enjoy the day but to those closest to me , they can always tell. "You ok?" I always answer the same "yea I'm good. Just tired." I'm not completely lying. I am tired. I am tired because I stress , I'm tired because I miss him, I'm tired because my anxiety makes my heart race like I just ran a marathon. Then to distract myself I go on Facebook some more. Give love to my widow sister's because I know they're feeling it too. Send extra love to my mother in law and honestly one of my favorite people in the world. She understands me and she understands my hurt. But then I see people sharing pictures of me and him, our intimate moments that we captured together, people who weren't always there, people who only know his birthday because of Facebook, people who promised me "if you need anything I'll be there", but they're not there even when called upon or they're there to make them selves look good, people who in public pretend i never existed or call me his ex-wife. And rhen theres those who act like I am their one good deed "I talked to a widow today where is my gold ribbon " I don't mind people remembering him and sharing their memories but don't pretend you're living with the same struggle I am or like his mother or his siblings or friends. (I never mind the ones that ask if they can share to honor him or the ones who share because they know its important it is to me. Its the ones who do ot for attention) They didn't know him like we knew him. They didn't know his favorite color or his favorite food. They don't know what it is like to have your heart ripped from your chest. To physically feel your heart break and have to keep going. To keep living without the one thing that made you actually want to live. They celebrate him on his birthday, memorial day and the day he died. But we are reminded everyday. I was sitting on my couch the other day and thought I should call Jerry haven't talked to him. For 2 seconds I forgot he was dead. Who does that..oh yea me when i am sleep deprived.  Does that happen to them? Do they only remember me because of our pictures and what I post? Do they have to worry about trying to explain to their children whos that man in the pictures that are hanging up, even though she isn't old enough to understand anything yet. No they don't. They celebrate him today, memorial day, is their day. I let them have it because every other day is mine.
Thank you for tuning in to this session from a bitter widow. Brought to you by wine fueled bitterness and an overall hatred for fake ass people.

7 years and first mother's day as a mom

 Tomorrow I would have been married for 7 years to the most amazing man I have ever met. If we had been able to follow our "life plan" I probably would have a 5-6 year old child by now as well. Its insane trying to picture what my life would be like if Jerry were still alive. October he will be gone for 6 years. That is a long fucking time to be without someone you pictured your life with. I am not talking about a bad break up or anything (trust me there are some people who tty to compare his death to a bad break up and I literally just stare at them because there is no carrot cake in prison), he's dead. Never coming back, buying his favorite cologne just so I can smell it, wearing his old ratty tshirts, watching videos so I don't forget what his voice sounds like, dead. I try my hardest to not let it show. I really do. I hear it all the time " Oh my God I had no idea, you don't act like someone who is a widow" Let's get a few things straight A. I am doing my best to make sure that my "Widowhood" does not define WHO I am B. How the fuck is a widow supposed to act? Should I wear black everyday with a veil over my face? (Let's be honest my wardrobe has always been mostly black so skip that one...I don't have a fucking veil tho) Should I be in my bed 24/7 avoiding any and everything that surrounds me? (Kind of sounds nice......) My point is, I have been called "That widow" or "that young widow" before. I have a fucking name, I am not that widow. I am RaiAnne, who just happens to be a widow. It is this reason I don't open up to new people. Its the reason I don't really vent to my friends or family about anything. I am more than my dead husband and he is more than that. He is my best friend, the love of my life and now my guardian angel (hopefully because lord knows I could use one).
 There was an article someone shared on Facecbook called I will always talk about my husband as if he were alive..or at least something like that. I screenshot part of it that really stuck out. It reads "But I hate the way that people look at me when I talk about you, like they find a way to change the subject, like the pain is still too fresh in my mind, like its dangerous for me to speak your name". This shit hit home. It happens to me all the time. I love sharing stories of Jerry. If you know me, than you know that. But it happens all the time, I will begin to talk about him and people will change the subject. It hurts. I miss him and I want to talk about the stupid shit we used to do. The time we got lost driving around post and swore we were gonna get arrested, or the time in high school when he got the cops called on him for playing Call of Duty. But I cant always share these stories with people because the minute I utter his name you can see the bugs crawling under their skin. For example at work the other day a co-worker had recently got a tattoo and we were discussing future plans for more tattoos. She mentioned getting her daughters handwriting so I showed her that I had Jerry's handwriting on my tattoo. I copied where he wrote I love you and made sure it was on me. She pointed out that she never really got a good look at my piece so I showed her and she asked some questions which doesn't bother me at all but I noticed the other people in the room becoming very uncomfortable. I ignored it and left after our conversation to go do a room, came back a few moments later to hushed voices. You ever walk into a room full of people and sense they were saying something they didn't want you to hear. Its a sense that, although may not be bad, they just didn't want to say it with you present. That is what I felt. Their eyes all avoided me. I get it, people feel bad because of what happened to me. It sucks I know. Death sucks. But ignoring it doesn't make it go away. I adore the people I work with (most anyway) and maybe the hushed tones had nothing to do with me, maybe it was for someone else. But I just had that punched in the gut feeling, when eye contact was avoided and everyone (who lets be honest is usually a rowdy bunch) suddenly fell silent. Not talking about Jerry doesn't mean he is going to go away. Not talking about a loved one who is gone is not going to make it hurt less. Treating me differently will though. Trust me when I say people who are grieving know. Now do we want you to be like "LETS TALK ABOUT YOUR DEAD HUSBAND TELL ME ALL THE DETAILS"...no we just want someone to listen. Someone to listen without feeling sorry for us. Do I speak for everyone? of course not, but I do know some people who would agree. I dont blame them though, death makes people uncomfortable.
       Now on to a lighter subject. Mother's day. This is my first mother's day as a mom. Pretty exciting. I decided to cook dinner for the family and a good mom friend of mine as well. Hopefully it goes well. I don't feel any different being a mom, except the fact that I need to watch her sleep because I am paranoid...cant help it. I like being a mom, not completely in love with it. That part kind of makes me feel like a shithead. Don't get me wrong I love peanut, she's my world. When she smiles it melts my heart. I just feel like she doesn't like me all that much lol. I know it sounds kind of strange or maybe it doesn't but to me it seems like she cries more when its just me and her or she'll scream louder or it takes me longer than anyone else to calm her down. I feel like I am supposed to have this awesome mom super power where I can instantly know how to calm my demon summoning screaming infant, but I don't. Like my eye liner (when I feel feisty) I wing it. I have no fucking clue what I am doing really. But she's fed, she's loved and she has a clean diaper....so I can't be doing that bad. Anyway super excited about tomorrow even though today was kind of shitty...nothing like arguing with your man about stupid shit. I know its because we're both stubborn (and mostly because he's a stupid jerk) but eventually my day will get better. If it doesn't the good news is there is only about an hour left before it is a new day. I love him but I do want to strangle him sometimes but I think that is true love. Having the ability and capability to strangle someone, but not doing it because you know you wouldn't want to live without him. *sigh* men. I would say I'd date women but I tried that and it didn't work too well for me LMAO Don't worry ladies I don't judge all of you based on one crazy bad apple. ;)
 Anyway all I can do is try and smile, knowing in heart I am trying to be the best fucking me I can. I am not perfect but I am not too bad of a fuck up either. You know what they say, Those who hurt the most, often smile the most and try their hardest to make those around them smile because they have been there in the sadness, in the darkness alone and would never want anyone else to feel that way....or something like that lol. Good night everyone and Happy Mother's day to all the human baby moms and the fur baby ones too.

 Happy anniversary Pooh bear. I love you and miss you more each day. 

#motherhood and other wonderful things

 So my little peanut is going to be 2 months old tomorrow. I cant believe how much she has grown in this short amount of time. And yes I know "Enjoy it now because it will go by quickly....If I had a dollar for every time someone said that to me I'd be rich...that and "Are you sure you want eat all that?" Yes, yes I'm sure. #bodybyjunkfood. But back to my main point, my little girl is getting big and I am in turn feeling better about being a mom. I am still nervous (there is plenty of time to mess her up psychologically) but getting more confident as the days go on. This morning we had a very loving mother daughter moment. Let me set the scene here.... So we were sitting on the couch and I was feeding her, her bottle shes smiling and I am thinking to myself, "Man I made one awesome baby....look how cute she is....full of smiles." would you like to know what else she was full of.....SHIT...SHE SHIT ON ME WITH A SMILE ON HER FACE. I have never felt so betrayed. All I felt was hot ass liquid running down my side. Damn baby is lucky shes cute. But anywayy when I work all day I do miss her but bro sends me pictures of them and it helps and work has almost totally killed my boob milk supply...ugh depressing.
 Work has been going pretty well. I do enjoy working in the back and training as a nurse. Blood draws from the jugular still terrify the living shit out of me but I am getting there. I got bit yesterday by a pug (asshole) but it wasnt really his fault. I asked a nurse for help and she took her sweet ass time and then since had already been poked at he was mad and bit me like 3 times. No marks thankful (at least physically...my ego is a bit damaged). But I needed to take a minute and walk away because I was gonna lose it. Nothing like wanting to strangle someone because they're incompetent. Working in the back you really have to trust and rely on the others back there. If a dog gets out or a dog is trying to eat your face it is important that you feel as if people have your back and will help you to prevent you from being eaten. I know what you might be thinking... "My little angel would never" Well I have news for you....Majority of the times I am being growled at, bit, peed on, shit on or scratched is your little shit dog...i mean angel.( No i mean shit dog).  But besides all that I really enjoy it and hope that I am at least doing well and that the ladies I work with are still happy that I am back there lol. (please dont regret your decision guys)
          In exactly 1 week it will be my 7th wedding anniversary to Jerry. Yes I still celebrate it because its special to me. Everyone knows and celebrates his birthday and the day he passed away but really only I know our wedding anniversary so for me this day is much more intimate for me. It is like my own little special grieving day. I dont know what I will be doing this year for it....I am pretty sure I am working and that will be kind of a good distraction at least for a little while. This time of year really sucks for me, which I am sure I have mentioned before. With Jerrys birthday and our anniversary it can be difficult for me to pretend to be normal I guess. We all have shit were dealing with and I do my best to let it not interfere with my work or school but it can be hard some days. Especially when it is a crazy work day and tempers are flaring and people are yelling and being unreasonable or acting like they are 2 years old because they cant get what they want.......(talking about yesterday) and then you get bit by a stupid pug. Ugh there are good days and bad lol
 But that is all for today. Time to go adult and clean and do laundry.

Let's get a few things straight

Ok first I need to apologize...i am writing this from my phone currently holding my sleeping child so there may be some grammatical errors. Hopefully you can find it in your hearts to look past them. On to the main post now.
So I am just done with stupid people. Everyday I am coming into contact with these people who for the life of me I can't figure out how they made it to adulthood without harming themselves in any shape. People do and say stupid shit everyday and don't get me wrong I've said and done some stupid shit but I've learned from my stupid shit mistakes so it baffles me that grown ass adults...some who are older than me...saying shit like what do you know about heartache.....or when I'm trying to help someone get out of a shitty situation and they keep making the same mistakes over and over. Like I'm running on empty. My empathy will never dry up but my patience will. I am just so tired of being emotionally available for people who can't take 2 seconds out of their <insrrt sarcasm> busy day to just see how I'm doing. Nope instead I run myself to the brink of exhaustion making sure everyone else is taken care of only to turn around and see fewer and fewer people in my corner. But you know what that's ok. For my sanity i need it to be ok.
   I am also running into a lot of fake people. Like why do you feel the need to lie to me. There is a very short list of things that will make me dislike you. 1. Stealing my food and 2  lying to my face. It's even worse if the lie is meaningless. Like some people truly believe that i am stupid but I can see through the bullshit. Yes I realize I am being very vague. This is because I don't need the people who upset me bring dragged into a blog post. I am not about attacking anyone by naming them. But I need to vent lol sorry.
I think I might be a little extra salty lately because jerry's birthday just passed and our wedding anniversary is in like 2 weeks. Also certain people who like the pretend I don't exist every other time of the year, all of the sudden want to talk to me when it comes to jerry's birthday or anniversary of his death. It's only then do they ask me how I am doing. I have run into them in public and they have literally turned around and walked away pretending they didn't see me. But when it makes them look good then it's ok to talk to me. Oh well sorry about the shit post. My anxiety is high and patience is thin. I  will write more when I've washed some of this salt off me ✌