I dont know where to start. I miss him. It hurts. I feel unlovable because I'm just a mess. I cant do anything right, I always forget something and when I mess up I panic. Bad. Hives, cant breathe, chest pains and a killer migraine. I wake up like this sometimes. Not always which I am grateful for. I hate him. I hate him because he died. I hate him because he died in a way I couldnt see him just one more time. Couldnt hold his hand or kiss him goodbye. I hate him because he abandoned me. I know it isnt fault, if he could be here he would. Then why am I so angry? When i wake up like that i cant let it show. Cant let Athena see me like that, certainly cant show up to work like that. Most nights I dont sleep more than 4 hours, that coupled with my horrendous thoughts it's hard to function. Hard to live. Part of me died when he did. I am not the same person. I do what I can to try and not let people see me like that. But it's always there. Lurking in the background like my shadow following me everywhere. I can literally feel the weight on my shoulders. The darkness, the heaviness of it all. But yet I smile and try to be a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter , an aunt, a good worker and a friend. On the outside I am smiling, on the inside I'm screaming,crying and praying for the pain to end. I hate him because I miss him. I hate him because he took half of me with him that day, because he took our future, he took my sanity. But most of all I hate him because I just love him so fucking much. Not a moment goes by that he isnt on my mind. Somedays are better than others..today is not that day.
The crazy ramblings of a woman who was widowed at 21 and how I go about each day and strive to help others while helping myself.
