Reflecting

 This past weekend I went to a TAPS regional seminar. I drove to Orlando, by myself, which in its self is an amazing feat. When I first arrived I decided to go check in to the seminar and see if there was anything going on for me. I walked up, gave them my name and then they handed me my new TAPS shirt, cute tote bag, free book about grief and some other little things. After talking to one of the volunteers who also lost her husband, I started to feel a little over whelmed. She must have noticed because she told me "Its ok to get upset and cry here, but remember when you want a hug or comfort say 'engage' when you don't want to talk about it or want the subject dropped just say 'Deflect." I never realized how easy that actually was. All the times I sat there being uncomfortable around people who wanted to comfort me I could have easily said "deflect" or if I just wanted some love "engage". Two simple words with so much meaning.
             On this weekend in Orlando I met a family who let me eat with them and just talk with them which is so nice. As we were driving to dinner on Saturday night we all kind of chuckled at the fact that i was in the car with complete strangers and in no other circumstances would i ever get into a strangers car. But this organization is like a family. The minute you walk in you are filled with a warm feeling that is like "this place is safe...this is our space".Its really nice to have that, especially if youre like me and feel uncomfortable in a lot of places.

I learned a lot from that seminar. What i took with me mostly was that I AM NOT ALONE. What i am feeling,  these other widows have  felt and still feeling. My memory issues, anger issues are all related to my grief and I never let myself mourn like I should have. I grieved, but did not mourn long enough. and right now that statement really bothers me.
         At my new job I feel very out of place. Like i don't fit in anywhere.I try to start conversations with people and I feel so judged by them or I hear them talking bad about me later on....idk. I feel so not welcomed....like some crazy outsider to this little club I am not welcome in. I know it sounds stupid but its how it truly feels.
    And on top of all this I miss him. I miss Jerry so much. Sometimes I cant even say his name without tearing up. I have to numb myself when I talk about him just to get through the conversation.  I am almost 2 months out from his Angel anniversary. That could be contributing to my craziness right now. I know i need to find my new normal and i want to live with him by my side even if its his spirit in my heart. I want to make him proud.
       Going back to the seminar.....there were a lot of good things i learned and a lot of wonderful people i met, but there was this one woman in the spouses and significant others group that really bothered me. When we all got into the room there was about 6 of us. The leaders of the group decided to have us sit in a small circle since there wasn't that many of us and this woman decided to sit out. We asked her to join and she flat out said no. When asked why she didn't want to join she said "Because i thought this was for spouses only, not significant others". This statement kind of caught me  and everyone off guard and we asked her why does it matter. Well long story short in her mind it mattered a great deal because significant others means they weren't married and therefore shouldn't be in the spouses group. The air was very thick in there and of course someone says how many spouses do we have in here...surprise everyone raised their hand. so now she was pretty much awkwardly forced to join the group. That was my only negative experience. TAPS is such an awesome organization and theyve helped me through so much. Even still now as my insurance tried to mess my life up. but that is another story for later i guess.  Also if anyone reading this has any questions i could help with or they just want to share please let me know. I always have an ear available.

Widow is the worst word....

 Widow is the worst word...ok maybe not the WORST word out there, but it is quite awful. I absolutely hate that word because that is the only way to describe my situation. Widow...makes me sound like I'm a 75 year old lady who lost her  husband, not a 25 year old woman in college, trying everyday to feel normal. But then again what is normal...nothing really.
  I wish there was another way to describe the pain I feel everyday or the pain I feel when I think of him, the life we should've had, when people tell me "Oh your so young, you'll find someone else".
      Although my favorite thing to hear is "You're kidding!" in my head I think "Yes I am kidding what a funny joke right, who would be widowed this young. so glad you fell for it" but polite anti-social me says "no" and then I usually find myself apologizing...why? I have no clue. I do apologize to people a lot for reasons that are unknown.
        Today is tough for me. I am not really sure why, but today I feel very sad...very alone. I miss Jerry. Even thinking about him makes my heart hurt deep deep inside. Its a pain I cant really describe, but if you have ever experienced a close loss, you know what pain I am talking about. I want to reach out and talk to someone but I wouldn't know what to say and then make things weird, I am very good at making things weird.
     I have recently decided that I no longer want to be on medication. On medication I felt like a zombie. I felt no emotion...well let me rephrase that. I could feel my emotions but I couldn't express them, except anger. Anger always has a way of sneaking in there and fucking shit up.  Now that I am about a month without medication I cry about almost everything, my anxiety is out of control but I am managing, I AM LIVING. Even though it is very difficult I feel like a person. I can not express how amazing it feels to feel like a person. I know I will never be whole, my heart will never heal. There is a quote, by Rose Kennedy, that goes " It has been said that 'time heals all wounds' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, But it is never gone." If this quote wasn't so long I would have it tattooed on me somewhere. The pain never goes away. Doesn't matter what meds you're on, how long its been, If you fall in love again (REMEMBER it is ok to do so) and if you find yourself having happy moments. That pain stays, but I know deep in my heart Jerry wouldn't want me to sit in my house all day and cry (Although I do sometimes...which is also ok as long as it isn't everyday), he would want me to be happy for him because he cant be here with me in the flesh. It can be hard sometimes, living without him. Sometimes I find myself smiling and instantly think "Oh if Jerry could be here" and then part of me feels bad. I feel guilty for smiling, but I know he would want me to be happy and all I can do is to do my best and make him happy by living life for the both of us.

1st widows retreat

What an amazing time I had at the retreat. I didn't think I needed that retreat until I was there but let me start from the beginning.
I was widowed at 21 years old. That's young and I'm very much aware of that so please don't remind me. That being said I tried therapy, other counseling and nothing worked. So I gave up. I didn't look up any other support because so many have failed I just didn't see the point in keep trying. Years passed and I never felt normal again even though I had friends and family to talk to no one could ever really relate because they were never in the same situation and don't get me wrong I love them for always being there for me but something was missing.
The 1st day driving to the hotel I was so nervous I thought I would pass out or throw up. Those were my options lol but I didn't do either and nervously walked through the door to the hotel, checked in , and got my welcome bag and up to my room I went. I was informed my room mate would be coming in late which gave me some time to calm down in my room before I did something that made me more uncomfortable than anything...I decided to go socialize. For those who know me know that this is a huge step for me because I have really bad social anxiety and again was so nervous that I do or say something to embarrass myself. So at first I walked around the hotel just to explore where I was at. We had access to the beach right by the pool so I walked over and checked it out the whole time thinking that if all else fails at least I'll be near a beach, my safety zone.  After about 20 min of walking around talking to my sister and mother who both told me to not be so nervous and to go find someone to talk to. On the elevator I ran into some women from the retreat who invited me to dinner. So now working myself out of my comfort zone I engaged in conversations and even decided to go hang out with the girls as they went out for drinks and swimming in the pool.
     The second day we went to the airboat ride and I spent more time with these women and met more of them and got to know them. But after we got back we decided to go to the beach and hangout. After two days with these women sharing our stories and experiences it wasn't until I was laying out on the beach chair relaxing that I realized how relaxed I actually was. It was like the world had been lifted off my shoulders and I could breath again. Now I always try to remain positive but after Jerry died I didn't know what to think or feel so I put on a face that wouldn't make people worried. Now this isn't saying I was always depressed and meh but I never really felt relaxed...I never felt normal until that moment when the warm sun was shining down on my face and my mouth turned into a huge grin.
  After that moment I went out and partied some talked more and realized I didn't want to leave.
    I am so grateful I got this experience and look forward to keeping in touch with the wonderful women I met  and hopefully many more retreats :)