Widows retreat, Holidays, PTSD and a Baby on the way.....life is interesting..excuse my foul language like usual

 When I had last posted I was on a widows retreat in Palm Coast. I had a wonderful time and met some wonderful ladies. One of which encouraged me to continue writing and was really supportive of my blog and other writing adventures. I encouraged her to start a instagram for her shoes because OMG they are fantastic and I wish I was her. :] But seriously I have shoe envy. The retreat was a lot of fun, it was very different from other retreats I had been to because it was a mixture of Military and Civilian 9/11 widows. The view was incredible and I wish I could wake up every morning and have my coffee on a balcony facing the ocean, but bitch be broke so that wont happen, so I made sure to enjoy every moment of it. Here is a picture of all the beautiful ladies <3 I still need to add most of them on Facebook, i just suck and havent done it lol

 dat view doe

 on the beach :]

But like most retreats I again was the youngest, which sometimes bothers me because the other ladies will talk about their children and half the time I am the same age as them, but that doesn't deter them from treating me like a sister. This time was special too because Athena got to join me while I was there and everyone was super nice and understanding about the fact that I needed my preggo naps and would wake me up when we were about to do an activity which was super sweet because I didnt want to miss out on anything. The only activity I missed out on was Zumba and I was bummed but Athena wasn't having any of that so I sat and enjoyed watching the ladies have a good time. But next my ass is doing some zumba even if I am uncoordinated and will probably fall over. 

The holidays are particularly difficult for anyone who has experienced a loss in their life. Jerry tends to weigh heavily on my mind everyday but during the holidays its much worse. As you know he was killed in October, just weeks before he was scheduled to come home for R&R. He was to spend thanksgiving with us and of course that didn't happen. So thanksgiving is always a little weird for me. I usually get very overwhelmed at the slightest things because PTSD likes to control your actions and thoughts during that time. I do my best to put a smile on my face, but often times need to hide for 10 minutes to cry it out but I wipe the tears away and continue to celebrate with my family and friends. But I know I'm not alone. I am not alone in missing him and not alone in grieving for someone who isn't here anymore. Its always going to suck that hes gone, I know this but I also know that its ok for me to miss him and its ok for me to talk about him and if you have a problem with that, well dont listen because I dont have time for you anyway. People may feel as if were holding on to our husbands and not grieving or not "getting over it" quick enough and to them I say "suck it". Have your spouse die and then tell me its ok to move on and not talk about him. We dont talk about them because were stuck in that moment in time, we talk about them because we love them and want to remember their faces, their mannerisms, and who they were, not because we "cant let go". So poo on you people who dont understand, but know if anything were to happen in your life and you needed me I would still be here for you even if youre an insensitive dick. :]

BABY UPDATE

Athena is doing good, I am officially 25 weeks pregnant and according to my app she is the size of a Prairie dog, yea I dont know my app compares her to weird shit. But shes kicking and moving around so much and its so good to feel her. After the miscarriage I was nervous I would never make it to this point, but every little kick reminds me that shes in there and this is real. Can we level real quick on pregnancy nightmares? Like what the actual fuck? I heard stories about the possibility of  having vivid dreams but no one warned me that I would be fighting off giant monsters and witnessing the world crumble around me in my sleep. More often than not the dreams are terrifying and I wake up panicking (of course depression, anxiety and insomnia from my PTSD are "intensified" as the doctor put it) and cant fall back asleep because you know monsters and shit. Sometimes they are the stupid scary dreams like I'm a mermaid and then I get attacked by sharks and parana or something. With those I usually wake up, slow my breathing, laugh and go back to sleep. But then there are some where I am witnessing people be murdered and I'm like oh this is fantastic and wake up feeling as if I seriously just witnessed them all be taken from me, so like a wierdo I go check on everyone in the house because for some reason it makes me feel better, then I go force my cat to love me for a second (who is currently trying to attack me as I write this) , turn the tv on to some stupid show that will distract my mind and do my best to go back to sleep and hopefully not have anymore crazy ass dreams. I keep telling myself I wont forget them but I always do so I think I am going to write them down, like I said some are funny but others I can do without.

My baby shower is coming up and I am super excited and also nervous because I don't like being the center of attention...ever. Some people are like well you've had birthday parties haven't you? well yes but I'm a twin so I always shared that spot light :] But my bestest friend is planning it with my sister,mom, her mom and her mother in law I believe and I trust them and know they will do an amazing job. I also know they will go overboard because as my bestie keeps reminding me shes had this planned since we were like 13 years old. I love my friends and family, were all crazy and fight sometimes but I wouldn't change them for anything and I couldn't be happier to bring my little girl into this world and into this family. 

I feel the need to give a big shout out to some of my co-workers who despite only knowing me since June have seriously been absolutely amazing to me. They make sure I am not over doing it and there is a couple who I can bitch to about anything and talk about this crazy pregnancy with and just be me around and that is very comforting because I am strange and thats ok because thats me but not everyone can handle my weird self and its just nice to mesh with people. Its also super amazing that they are excited about me having my baby and talk about it constantly and reassure me that I got this and that I will be great. You guys are awesome if any of you happen to read this. <3 

Well I guess thats all for now. Until next time xoxo here are some pictures of my crazy life :]

 right before Halloween with literally the most supporitive man alive. 

  this is what happens on thanksgiving when you play around too much on snapchat. #familygoals

Dressed up and going out

So last night all of us got dressed up and went out for dinner at this little Italian place. The food was outstanding and I ate entirely too much and even managed not to cry every time the waiter asked me if I'd like some wine:] but in all seriousness the food was so good and it was nice to sit around and joke and tell stories with the women and I think that's important. Some ladies showed pictures of their children and their grandchildren, I of course showed off my niece and my boyfriend because everyone wants to know if the baby will have red hair (I hope so).
I was nervous on what to wear which I know sounds silly but I don't dress up often and more times that not will change over and over again before going out. So to eliminate that I brought 2 dresses and that was it for my dressy clothes. I was also nervous about wearing all black around these ladies who seem so bright and colorful but I was complemented and the baby bump worked for my dress.
  While at dinner it was difficult to miss a large group of ladies who are just talking away. Now I'm very observant so I notice almost immediately when someone is staring at me across the room lol. There was an older woman who walked up and asked if we were there for a wedding, to which most of us chuckled because #widowhumor and we politely answered no and gave the run down of why we were all together. The table behind us of course heard and said "all of you?" As they eye balled the table, i lowered my head, not because im ashnaed but because I hate  the all of you question which ill explain in a minute. They said  thank you for your sacrifice and then clapped for us. Now I appreciate when people recognize us and our struggles but to this day will never understand why they clap, but hey I'll take it I guess lol. Now to explain the "all of you" question. It's tough sometimes being the youngest widow at these retreats because when people understand who we are and why we are gathered they usually say "but you're so young" I'm just like yup I guess so or they stare at me trying to figure out exactly how old I really am...here's looking at you older gentleman at the table, I saw you lol. There is no really good response to that I guess so i just go with it lol
  Anyway it's early, Athena is making music tummy growl and I should get my lazy butt out of bed. Until next time 💜

I suck at keeping posted

So I've been meaning to write a post for a while but as you all know and can relate to life has a tendency to get in the way. If you havent heard by now we're having a baby girl :] Athena Makenzie Joellen will be her name and I'm very happy. Work has also been going good I've made some connections with people and it's nice to have some more awesome people in my life.
As of right now I am at a widows retreat with an organization named tuesdays children. It's called heart to heart and it combines 9/11 widows and military widows which I think is amazing because part of the reason jerry joined the army was because of 9/11 so I feel a little connected to them as well on that aspect I guess. Right now I am relaxing because Athena has decided to suck all of the energy out of my body which sucks because I really wanted to do Zumba with the ladies. I did manage to do yoga which I really enjoyed although there were a few ladies who bitched the whole time. I get a little upset when people bitch at these things I understand that not everyone wants to do the activities or the talking about grief part but i personally believe it's important to push yourself. I don't always enjoy reliving the day I found out my husband was killed but you know what I understand the importance of it  and respect and expect it at these type of retreats. Yes they are a little vacation but it's a vacation that you have the opportunity to work on yourself. If you want a vacation go on your own vacation don't waste my widow time. I don't get much widow time so this is important to me and I know I may sound defensive but this is important for me and for my well being and for someone to lessen the meaning of it almost hurts because your spot could have gone to someone who really needed to be here. I don't know. Sorry to rant about it but I needed to get it off of my chest and the woman isn't a bad woman I was just slightly hurt by what she had said.
With that being said I will not let it get in my way of a good healing time and I am determined to make the most out of this. 💜 I look forward to writing more as my next couple days here progresses. As always thank you for reading and much love
Edit: i feel the need to apologize because I understand where she is coming from and I feel terrible for ranting about it because I do understand so no judgment for this lady