I am 31 weeks today, I feel her move everyday which is comforting given that I still check for signs of a miscarriage, depressing I know. But with that I am on an emotional rollercoaster. PTSD is kicking my ass, I use my techniques to help me deal with the panic attacks and what not but sometimes they don't work. Not everything has a solution but and sometimes I just have to cry it out but I hate doing that. Hate it. Can't wait to be able to have my medication again or sleep on my stomach, I really miss sleeping on my stomach. But it makes me question whether or not I am going to be a good mom. Like everyone is super nice and of course no one is gonna be like you're going to be a shitty mom, but I get nervous. Like right now I am so overwhelmed with everything. I have a wonderful job which I absolutely love but now I cant do as much as I used to and I feel a little useless. I like to believe that I have a good work ethic and that I am a good worker and right now I don't feel that way. When I try (or have to...oh shady) do a lot of stuff I end up feeling like I am dying, I have a co worker who would constantly tell me early in my pregnancy that "soon you won't be able to do all this work" and I didn't believe her....Brittany if you're reading this I believe you now. I should have listened to you sooner. lol But really it makes me feel like I am not doing a good job. But I do have some amazing co workers who I consider friends who do help me so much and I appreciate it, like there aren't words to express my gratitude.
To add to my ever expanding life, we decided to get a puppy. What the fuck was I thinking...lol. "Oh I have a baby on the way, I work full time,and about to be a full time student what else should I add? oh a puppy" hes crazy and has cost me more in phone chargers than i've ever spent (even though I've hid them from him) and drives me absolutely crazy sometimes i still love him and I wouldn't want anyone else to have him. Hes a pain in the ass but hes my pain in the ass.
i mean look at his face....
Trying to sign up for school has been such a pain in the ass too. Classes start soon and of course theyre taking their sweet ass time getting me my paperwork....like a bitch wants to learn...let me learn. damn.
But I know everything will be ok and eventually I will get my shit together and it will all fall into place. And as if I didnt need a sign from Jerry to lighten the fuck up this came into the mail today.
jerrys telling me to buy a hot tub. lol