Today is Thanksgiving. There is a lot that I am thankful for few examples, my family, my friends new and old, my fur babies, My home, my job (even tho I bitch a lot...lets be honest who doesnt), the fact that I can go to college and many other things. But I also cant help but be bitter. It is because Jerry is gone that I have the opportunities that I do. Its a double edged sword I suppose. The holidays bring on a certain sense of bitterness for those who are missing someone who is no longer here. The holiday feels just a more empty. Around this time of year I am very on edge ( I know I have mentioned it in my previous post) My anxiety is high, number of panic attacks go up and I cant say his name out loud because it will send me into tears. So most wonderful time of the year my ass. lol.
I just wish others would understand, its difficult to explain why at a certain moment I am having a panic attack, or the fact that someone said something to me in a different tone of voice caused me to cry (this happens a lot due to my overthinking of a situation. My brain likes to make it into a bigger deal that it is) but it all boils down to the fact that he isnt here and that I miss him. I have been thinking of a lot of regrets that I have lately (because why not kick myself when Im down right?) and a lot have to do with his family. I regret that we arent closer. I regret that we dont talk. Part of me feels like its almost to late. I talk with his mother here and there, make sure she is doing ok and reminding her that I am thinking about her because I dont want her to think she is alone. I dont do it as much as I should, life gets so busy sometimes and I know that is not an excuse.
 I just cant stop thinking that 7 years ago today Jerry and I spent our first and only Thanksgiving as a married couple. I feel so robbed sometimes.
 It gets difficult for me at work sometimes. There arent many who understand or that can relate. I love (most) coworkers, but very few are comfortable about talking about it. Funny since we experience and assist in animals crossing the rainbow bridge almost on a weekly basis. I guess when you have experiences you become a little jaded I suppose. For about 8 weeks running there was a euthanasia or DOA coming into the hospital. Unfortunately around this time of year is when everyone decides to say goodbye and those appointments tend to fill the schedule more than others. They are not easy appointments to go into and more often than not when I am there I am either taking the room or assisting in some way. It takes its toll, especially when you have another client coming in screaming at us that we dont care, all we care about is money. No corporate cares about money. Sometimes I am the one who stays with your pet as they cross that rainbow bridge, I cry for them because I am the last face they see, a stranger. I hug them and pet them one last time and after they are gone I say a silent prayer for them (even if you stay I was pray for them). I love my job but it can be really hard, especially when you are clinically depressed. But hey probably more than half the people I work with suffer from depression so at least I am not alone. Brightside of things I guess.  There are people who constantly say they wish they had my job or they want to do what I do, it is not easy and a lot of people who say that I know for a fact cant handle it, but there is no nice way of saying it so I just say yea and smile. When I first got the job as a nurse I wasnt sure how I was going to handle it or even if I was going to stay with it, but I do help in helping a lot animals and that makes the hard times worth it. I like how my thought of how it can be hard to talk to coworkers turned into a depressing tangent about the hard parts of my job. Well if you have ever wondered what it is like inside my brain (which is not pretty lol lets be honest) there you go, one random tangent to the next.
 This holiday season I will continue trying to do my best, if not for me at least for Pea and Jerry. I do my best not to cry in front of her or get upset or have a panic attack but sometimes it just happens and it sucks. I know what you must be thinking "God this post is depressing" Im sorry lol I try to write what I am thinking and sometimes shit just gets dark. But you just have to roll with the punches. Ready for a laugh? I have to go get ready for church. :p Unfortunately I am not joking Bros mom wants me to go, well all of us. I dont have anything against churches or religion, I just have my own set of beliefs and mine and hers arent the same. Not saying there is anything wrong with that it just isnt for me. But it is important for her and if it makes her like me a little bit more I will go and just sit and watch the ASL interpreters sign and pray I dont burst into flames. just kidding. Or am I?
Happy Thanksgiving everyone, stay safe and eat too much

Holidays and other things

The time is coming. The time that all surviving families and friends dread... the holidays. I am not saying that I am a Grinch, but hey when you see everyone so in love and spending time with their husbands who are home (and alive) it is a harsh reminder of what you don't have. I also dread this time because on Facebook and Youtube there will be an influx of "coming home" videos. I love coming home videos and I ugly cry at every single one (double ugly cry if it involves animals). I guess what I am trying to say is don't forget to invite the surviving families out to events you're hosting, invite the Mom and the wife for a drink, don't forget that this time, whether they know it themselves or not, is a really shitty time of year and the last thing they need is to feel like even more of an outcast. With that being said lets do some recapping of the last few months shall we.
First things first, halloween was pretty awesome. It was Peas first and it came with a lot of mixed emotions. Happy because I love Halloween and sad because shell never have a first one again.

 here she is visiting her first pumpkin patch

 second pumpkin patch

trick or treating with her cousin

 Here is her 8 months picture that I love. Her check up is in a week or so and although weve pretty much been told her noodle is fine I still get very worried. One day I was talking with a co worker about everything and I broke down. With my depression it gets very hard sometimes but I never allow myself to cry and I know I should. Anyway I broke down to her and she told me something I will never forget. "She has one hell of a guardian angel." Those words have stuck with me ever since. I know Jerry is watching over me and her. He would have loved her. The daughter he always wanted. It breaks my heart that I was never able to give that to him but we were so young and we watched so many other military couples fail after having a child and I didnt want that for us. It is one of my biggest regrets. But sometimes I will say to her "tell him hello for me and that I miss him. Tell him thank you for keeping you safe." Being a widow sucks. Being anyone who lost someone really close sucks. 

Work has been good lately, always a little crazy and a little irritating but usually good. A lot of changes are happening and I am excited and interested in seeing where it goes. There is still some resentment about me becoming a tech but I dont say anything I just let them deal with their issues and try to give good constructive criticism when asked. 

Bro is coaching cocoa beach high wrestling again this season and he loves it just like last year. This year you can tell hes a little more comfortable which is good because I know  how important it is to him. When he isnt coaching he is watching Athena so I can work and do school. Hes truly an amazing man. I know some people think it is strange to love my husband and Bro at the same time but like I have mentioned before it is like I am two separate people. One that was with Jerry and the one thats with Bro. I do my best to not compare the relationships and Bro is always super respectful of what Jerry and I had. He drove me to meritt island to the new (maybe not new but new to me) Veterans Memorial. There is a section dedicated to those who lost their lives in Operation Enduring Freedom and the other tours but Jerrys name was there and it is always bitter sweet. Im glad that he is being remember I just wish he was never gone. 

Thank you everyone who takes the time to read these I know theyve kind of been more on my depressive side lately but I am working on it. One day at a time. A big thank you to my amazing family for my early christmas present and my friends for always being there for me and making me laugh.