Widow is the worst word....

 Widow is the worst word...ok maybe not the WORST word out there, but it is quite awful. I absolutely hate that word because that is the only way to describe my situation. Widow...makes me sound like I'm a 75 year old lady who lost her  husband, not a 25 year old woman in college, trying everyday to feel normal. But then again what is normal...nothing really.
  I wish there was another way to describe the pain I feel everyday or the pain I feel when I think of him, the life we should've had, when people tell me "Oh your so young, you'll find someone else".
      Although my favorite thing to hear is "You're kidding!" in my head I think "Yes I am kidding what a funny joke right, who would be widowed this young. so glad you fell for it" but polite anti-social me says "no" and then I usually find myself apologizing...why? I have no clue. I do apologize to people a lot for reasons that are unknown.
        Today is tough for me. I am not really sure why, but today I feel very sad...very alone. I miss Jerry. Even thinking about him makes my heart hurt deep deep inside. Its a pain I cant really describe, but if you have ever experienced a close loss, you know what pain I am talking about. I want to reach out and talk to someone but I wouldn't know what to say and then make things weird, I am very good at making things weird.
     I have recently decided that I no longer want to be on medication. On medication I felt like a zombie. I felt no emotion...well let me rephrase that. I could feel my emotions but I couldn't express them, except anger. Anger always has a way of sneaking in there and fucking shit up.  Now that I am about a month without medication I cry about almost everything, my anxiety is out of control but I am managing, I AM LIVING. Even though it is very difficult I feel like a person. I can not express how amazing it feels to feel like a person. I know I will never be whole, my heart will never heal. There is a quote, by Rose Kennedy, that goes " It has been said that 'time heals all wounds' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, But it is never gone." If this quote wasn't so long I would have it tattooed on me somewhere. The pain never goes away. Doesn't matter what meds you're on, how long its been, If you fall in love again (REMEMBER it is ok to do so) and if you find yourself having happy moments. That pain stays, but I know deep in my heart Jerry wouldn't want me to sit in my house all day and cry (Although I do sometimes...which is also ok as long as it isn't everyday), he would want me to be happy for him because he cant be here with me in the flesh. It can be hard sometimes, living without him. Sometimes I find myself smiling and instantly think "Oh if Jerry could be here" and then part of me feels bad. I feel guilty for smiling, but I know he would want me to be happy and all I can do is to do my best and make him happy by living life for the both of us.