9 days. I am due in 9 days..( well almost 8 because its 10pm as I write this). Emotions are as follows: happy, excited, terrified and panic..sheer panic I've had to go to the ER like 4 times for a few different reasons, mostly because my doctors office receptionist suck and never relay any of my messages in time to get back to me or they have to reschedule my appointments for whatever reason, so again I panic (thank you PTSD) and go to the ER. I think well it is better to be safe than sorry...but then I get there and they go "Oh first time mom" and I know they think I am overreacting or worried for no reason so then they treat me differently and it sucks. After those kinds of experiences I then continue to fight with myself when I feel cramps or pains and cant get a hold of my doctor to see if I should go to the ER or wait it out. Constant loop of self doubt and anxiety...so now as I write this I am hurting...cant tell if its braxton hicks, cramps or contractions. Its to the point where I literally just want my water to break so that I know they cant say anything to me. I'm about to get really personal so if you want to skip to the next paragraph that is OK but I need to vent and well I've never really been that shy.Thursday I was in the ER and they wanted to test to see if my water broke, which is a simple qtip test...well the nurse messed up and ended up damaging me...you're probably thinking "Rai how did she mess up" well you see ladies and gents instead of putting the qtip where it needed to go she put it in my urethra...which then caused excruciating pain every time I had to pee, I would literally feel like I was peeing broken glass and fire at the same time. "But Rai didn't you inform the nurse something didn't feel right??" Oh yes..yes I did. In between me screaming and crying and begging her to stop because it hurt so damn bad. After the test was completed she said it shouldn't hurt its just a qtip....well bitch that may have been your first indication something was wrong as I continued to sob uncontrollably from the pain. Then I go to pee and what do you know it hurts and there is some blood. They warn you after exams there will be spotting so I double checked with the nurse who assured me it was normal. OK I trust you, I did not go to school for this you did, you know. Well I get sent home and it still hurts like hell and now I am crying everything I pee because it hurts that bad. I texted a nurse I know and she told me no you shouldn't be hurting that isn't normal, they may have damaged your urethra....great. Call my OBGYN "No that is not normal and you should go back to ER if the pain doesn't go away" OK cool, try not to panic, go pee again and there is blood. Now I have had a period every month since I was 13, I KNOW the difference between spotting and bleeding. When I say there was a lot of blood I am not kidding, looked like a scene from Carrie. So now I am crying because it hurts and 2 you should never see that much blood. Now because of my miscarriage I am a little more paranoid when it comes to bleeding because that is a trigger for me. So I go back to ER and asked to speak to someone in charge because lady hurt my stuff and I don't want her to touch me again, and they treat me like complete shit. I didn't have to see that nurse which was good but now the new nurse thinks I am crazy and "theres no way she damaged your urethra I don't know where you'd get that info from"...."Well 2 nurses actually" ....now she looks irritated. On the pad I was wearing was old blood and I told her its only fresh when I pee and I have to pee do you want me not to flush to show you? "well no its spotting because you had an exam".....Its not spotting its more than spotting, but she refused to listen to me. Peed in a cup and she goes your urine is dark you probably have a UTI...EXCUSE ME....NO THERES BLOOD IN IT WHICH IS WHY IT LOOKS LIKE THAT..again refuses to hear me out. Doctor comes in tells me I am dialed and that could be the cause of the pain. At this point I am over trying to discuss my concerns because it is obvious that no one gives a shit or they just want to save their own asses. She tells me it probably hurts again because of a uti...well wouldn't it have hurt before the exam...apparently not. So they tell me well we can test your urine which is super dark and sluggish but you probably didn't provide a good sample so it wouldn't be worth it.....(then why mention it) I had to ask twice for them to test. Finally results came back and they tell me yup horrible uti (I don't believe them because nothing bothered me before the exam) tell me to take antibiotics and go home (ok bye, I just want to leave). Go home continue to cry and be in pain. Next day (keep in mind I didn't fill my script yet because it wouldn't be ready until the next day) and what do you know the pain isnt as bad and the bleeding has stopped. Now I am no doctor but I am pretty sure if I had a "horrible" uti it wouldn't have just disappeared on its on the next freaking day. Texted nurse friend again who said "yea they damaged you and pretty much didn't want to admit it"...cool. Oh well not like I can do anything about it but still makes me feel stupid and like I don't want to go back. Unfortunately the other hospitals here suck or don't have a maternity ward.
SAFE TO READ IF PAST HERE IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO READ TMI STUFF.
Work put me on maternity leave early. Not horribly early, just 2 days but its been nice to sit home and prepare to the best of my pregnant ability. However, I do miss some of my co workers and feel bad for leaving them. My hormones have been pretty mild, I do have bouts of preggo rage every now and then but nothing crazy. I think its because in general my emotions are crazy (thanks again PTSD) and I can tell when I need to relax but this past week everything makes me cry. Minor things, pinch my finger (doesn't even hurt) cry, cant get comfortable..cry, something that is mildly overwhelming...cry. I am so over it, I am ready for her to be out but then I sit in her nursery and just want to cry because I don't know if I can do this. I mean I make jokes and poke fun about it but seriously I don't know. I know that it might change when I see and whatnot but I don't know. Still scared. Bro will be a pro for sure. I already know that, hes great with kids and kids love him. Hes amazing and will be amazing and I just sitting here questioning every decision Ive ever made. But I know I have a lot of support and will have help and again I am probably just overreacting but I don't know what else to do but try to work through it and try to remain positive.
I don't know if she actually wait until her due date because I am hurting like hell right now. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and hopefully they keep it because if they don't I may actually murder someone.
On a more positive note I went with bro this weekend to watch him coach in the wrestling regionals. I took a lot of pictures of him and the kids for their moms, I also walked up and down the bleachers about 20 times each day (in hopes of speeding up labor because I am over this...as mentioned before). The moms surprised me a threw a baby shower for us. It was so sweet, we got cute outfits, some soft toys and blankets, a cool night light that projects onto the ceiling and my favorite thing THE SHARK STROLLER!!! I love it! Its so cute. Seeing the kids call him coach and seeing his big goofy when 2 of the boys made it to states. He is going to be a wonderful dad I just know it.
School is going ok too, I was worried taking 3 classes but the work hasn't been too heavy for me so that's good. Now I am just trying to get ahead a few assignments so that when she comes I don't have to worry for just a bit. But finding the energy to do so is almost impossible, all I want to do is nap and when I try I cant get comfortable enough to fall asleep. Pregnancy is great lol
Well I am done venting for the evening. I have to try and get some sleep before my doctors appointment tomorrow. Fingers crossed I get some answers and reassurance.
The crazy ramblings of a woman who was widowed at 21 and how I go about each day and strive to help others while helping myself.
