For some, memorial day is everyday

This morning I was good. Last night was an awesome night, had some friends over drank some  (an entire bottle) of sangria and played some board games. I knew what today was, I thought I was prepared (i wasnt). This morning I woke up to my baby smiling at me and my dogs cuddled up close, but I could feel it. I tried pushing it  down, pretending it wasn't going to affect me. "This year will be different. This year I won't be so upset". Then I checked Facebook like i always do and in my memories was my interview with Florida today. "I'll just make a small post about it " I thought as I hit the share button  . I didn't even bother rewatching the video. "You're ok" I thought to myself as I feed my hangry baby "today will not bring you down. We won't let anxiety or depression win" I can be so naive. "You're friends are here, go have fun and stop being so anti-social. Stop being you. " I am my biggest critic and meanest bully some times. " it's been almost 6 years." I say to myself, as I cry in the shower..then why does it always feel like yesterday? I try to keep a smile on my face, enjoy the day but to those closest to me , they can always tell. "You ok?" I always answer the same "yea I'm good. Just tired." I'm not completely lying. I am tired. I am tired because I stress , I'm tired because I miss him, I'm tired because my anxiety makes my heart race like I just ran a marathon. Then to distract myself I go on Facebook some more. Give love to my widow sister's because I know they're feeling it too. Send extra love to my mother in law and honestly one of my favorite people in the world. She understands me and she understands my hurt. But then I see people sharing pictures of me and him, our intimate moments that we captured together, people who weren't always there, people who only know his birthday because of Facebook, people who promised me "if you need anything I'll be there", but they're not there even when called upon or they're there to make them selves look good, people who in public pretend i never existed or call me his ex-wife. And rhen theres those who act like I am their one good deed "I talked to a widow today where is my gold ribbon " I don't mind people remembering him and sharing their memories but don't pretend you're living with the same struggle I am or like his mother or his siblings or friends. (I never mind the ones that ask if they can share to honor him or the ones who share because they know its important it is to me. Its the ones who do ot for attention) They didn't know him like we knew him. They didn't know his favorite color or his favorite food. They don't know what it is like to have your heart ripped from your chest. To physically feel your heart break and have to keep going. To keep living without the one thing that made you actually want to live. They celebrate him on his birthday, memorial day and the day he died. But we are reminded everyday. I was sitting on my couch the other day and thought I should call Jerry haven't talked to him. For 2 seconds I forgot he was dead. Who does that..oh yea me when i am sleep deprived.  Does that happen to them? Do they only remember me because of our pictures and what I post? Do they have to worry about trying to explain to their children whos that man in the pictures that are hanging up, even though she isn't old enough to understand anything yet. No they don't. They celebrate him today, memorial day, is their day. I let them have it because every other day is mine.
Thank you for tuning in to this session from a bitter widow. Brought to you by wine fueled bitterness and an overall hatred for fake ass people.

Memorial day thoughts

 Its been about a week since Memorial day and as many of you know I was interviewed by our local newspaper Florida Today. The first memorial day after Jerry passed away was 2012, it was crazy that 4 years later I get a call from the same reporter and the same photographer who wanted to interview me just to see how I was doing and my thoughts on the upcoming memorial day weekend, what it means to me and stuff.  The first picture is me in 2012 visiting Jerry (by Tim Short)  and the second is me this year (taken on my phone). If you ever see sunflowers at his headstone it means I was there, they are my favorite flowers and he used to buy them for me all the time.

 
  this is a picture I sent to one of my Aunts who wanted to see the paper. My first stop was at a 7-11 near my house and I think I bought all but 1 of their papers. When I went to cash out the girl noticed my tattoo and then noticed the picture on the paper and goes "Umm....Is...Is that you??" It was kinda funny. I was like yea thats me and she asked if she could look at the paper really quick and I was like yea sure I have no where to be I'm just going around and buying papers so I can scrapbook them later.
 It was nice to see the photographer and reporter again. They are both wonderful people and so nice and respectful. There is a short video they posted online, my parents were proud of it even though I made my mom cry (Sorry mom lol ). But memorial day isn't just another day for me anymore. My life has changed and so has my perspective on the day. I always knew and respected the day but never gave it the serious deep thought that the day deserved and I apologize for that. Now I have a deeper respect, the reality hits home and its much easier to imagine what the families of those men and women go through when they lose their loved one because I have. I understand the ultimate sacrifice, I live with the effects everyday of my life. I miss Jerry everyday and everyday I think about him and how much happiness he brought into my life and this world...even if he was an ass sometimes. But he was my pain in the ass and I wouldn't trade that for anything. And if you are thinking to yourself "Wow that's really messed up of her to say about her dead husband" well than you didn't know him because Jerry would never wanted to be remembered for anything other than what he was. If you ever listened to him play Call of Duty you'd understand. :)
   It's not easy talking to the newspaper. Reliving what I went through in the beginning. Thinking about all the things he's missing because he isn't here, but it isn't all bad. I do laugh when I talk about something stupid he used to do or how we got our first XBOX, the face he made when we found Zoo our cat and things like that. I like to talk about him to keep his memory alive, he may not be here but telling his stories and helping people the way he used to helps me to remember him. When people ask "why" I just tell them it's what he would have wanted or it's what he would have done.
 So even if memorial day for you isn't as meaningful as it is to someone else's family,take a moment of silence, have a beer or a shot, hug your loved ones for just a minute longer because there are some of us who can't and would give anything to do it again. Jerry's favorite was Jager but it will be a cold day in hell before I drink anymore of that lol sorry babe, but I will have a beer for you.