Mental illnesses suck and not in the fun way and a little note to a special friend.

 If you have read any one of my posts you know I have severe anxiety and depression and have been diagnosed with PTSD. To say that I suffer from mental illness is an understatement. But if you ever met me in real life you probably would have never guessed. Why you may ask...well that because I do my best to walk around with a smile on my face everyday no matter how much I am hurting. When I finally chose to open up to people and tell them, everyone is shocked. I usually get the "what the fuck Rai" answer. Dont worry I ask myself the same question. Some days I am good, I genuinely smile, laugh and have a good time. But then there are days where I cant even muster up a fake smile. The past few days have been particularly hard for me. I am not sure why but part of me thinks it due to the time of year. Two years ago I had the miscarriage, Jerry's birthday is coming up as well as our wedding anniversary, and as silly as it may sound the day me and Jerry started dating. When I think of these looming days I think of all the memories that go with them. The good and the bad. How devastated and utterly alone I felt sitting in my bed on bed rest while my dead baby left my body. How my stomach fluttered with thousands of butterflies when Jerry and I shared our very first kiss in 2004 while sitting on the back of my dads truck (sorry pops), the one time we went down town for St Pattys day when Jerry was almost 21 and the bouncer gave him a free pass to drink even though he didn't want to.  How on Jerry's 18th birthday the tradition of gifting him Twix and Mountain Dew Code Red started and most importantly how much I fucking miss him. I am happy with my life but I will always have a hole in my heart. always and it sucks because with that hole comes the daily struggles of anxiety and depression. Everyday I do my best to make people smile and laugh because I dont want them to know something is wrong. Even if they ask its not like I can really put into words whats wrong. So usually when asked I just reply with "I'm just tired" or "Just off today" because it is extremely hard to talk about and its hard to put into words which is why I think most people choose not to talk about it. For me I always think I make people uncomfortable when I just openly discuss it. There are only 5 people who I feel 100 percent comfortable talking about Jerry with without hesitation and I am grateful for that but even sometimes I avoid talking to them because it all goes back to "I feel like a burden" "People have their own shit going on" etc. So I keep to myself and suffer in silence. I have one friend tho who I wont call out by name but she knows who she is. Whenever I start to feel down shell text me or pull me aside at work and ask if I am ok. If I say yea shell always ask "But for real tho you ok" and thats how she gets me. Every time. Jerry has been on my mind a lot these past 2 days and even tho I hadn't seen or talked to her in like 3 days and out of the blue I get the are you ok message. Of course I just break down and text her everything *while trying not to cry at work*. Well I finally got to work with her today and she told me why she asks. "Well anytime I think about Jerry and all the stories you tell and how much I would have liked to have met him and then I think about you and say to myself 'Hey I should text Rai" and it never fails anytime I get the are you ok question from her I am thinking about him. And its also kind of nice that she actually listens to my crazy stories. People like her remind me of the good still left on this planet and even though Jerry gone I feel like he uses her to check on me, as silly as that may sound. This world doesn't deserve the wonderful, kindhearted person she is. I know I sure dont. Love you girly and thanks for always being there for me.
  Back to my main point I guess, mental illness, whether it be anxiety, depression, Bi-polar, PTSD, whatever, It fucking sucks. If you know someone who has an issue with it please dont feel afraid to reach out. Dont be mad or upset if they dont answer you or dont want to hang out with you all the time. Talking about, hell even thinking about it is draining that sometimes I just want to stay in bed all day. Dont give up on your friends that are suffering and for fucks sake dont ever fucking say just get over it. Thank you to all of you who still check on me and still ask me to hang out even though I have backed out time and time again. Love you.

Good baby, my keurig hates me, widow things and wasted liquid gold

 My little peanut is a month old :) Its so nice knowing that I've managed to keep her alive this long without anything happening (I'm actually going out with my bestie today to celebrate,..so its a big deal). She is quite the amazing baby though. I really cant complain too much. I am jealous of her life though...eat, sleep, and poop...and someone cleans and feeds you what a magical life. #jealous. She did a newborn photo shoot courtesy of Brittany (whose all around amazing) who bought us a gift certificate for it. Check my cute ass baby out. <3 And a big thank you to Violet Joy Photography for these AMAZING pictures.

 

 
 
UGH LIKE I CANT HANDLE HOW ADORABLE SHE IS! I look at these when I get overwhelmed to remind myself how much I love her lol Is that bad to admit? probably. But she is doing fantastic, doctor says she is healthy which is what really matters. There was a little bit of a health scare in the beginning because they were worried about her soft spot. It was very small and of course they didn't tell me what that means so what did I do? something I know better to do....I turned to Dr. Google. WHY WOULD I DO THAT TO MYSELF?? Don't ever google anything health related. Its all terrifying. But no need to worry now. At her last check up they said she is growing just fine.
     So I have been up since 4am which isn't a big deal for  me because its usually when I wake up anyway. However it usually isn't a problem because I have coffee. Sweet, reliable, loving coffee. This morning my Keurig decided it wanted to clog up and not brew. fuck you Keurig, withholding my delicious nectar of the Gods. Took me a few minutes and a lot of cursing to fix it. But I got whats mine. (Give me a break I'm sleep deprived). I think every new mom should receive a free coffee pot and a  3 month supply of coffee. And you may be thinking "But I don't like coffee" well you need to re-evaluate your life choices, like seriously sit down and think about why you're so wrong. Coffee=life. Of course I am kidding...you're not wrong just weird.
       So on to widow things, I will be going to a retreat in Minnesota in July. Its just for a few days but I am super nervous to be away from Peanut but I trust Bro. He is great with her and its so sweet to see him read to her and nap with her. Melts my cold dead heart. I recently started following this woman on facebook, who is a military widow and she is funny as hell. Her name is Michelle Miller, she has written a book and she post some seriously funny (and sad, but ACCURATE) feelings and stories about being a widow, One of my favorite things she posts about is "How to talk to a widow without making an ass of yourself" tips. #603 for example is " Don't say: Ill PRAY for you Do say: Ill PAY for you......and then take her shoe shopping." She is vulgar and honest and I aspire to be her. I was reading something she posted the other day that had to deal with grief sex that totally opened my eyes to something I've noticed. She talks about how when you're husband dies there are 2 types of people. Type 1: The widow who has no interest in ever having sex with anyone other than there husbands and type 2: The wild widow. She compares it to grief eating. You either don't eat anything when you're upset or you stuff your face. But there is a stigma on both....I should know. (MOM LOOK AWAY I'M GOING TO TALK ABOUT MY SEX LIFE AND DONT WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD CONVERSATIONS ABOUT IT LATER WITH YOU....LOVE YOU MOMMY) When Jerry died I did wait a while before "jumping in the saddle" with someone. I did know them which I guess is better than random Tinder hook ups...although tinder wasn't around when Jerry died so who knows. But anyway I got really dirty nasty looks when people found out I was having an "active" social life again, But the sex took my mind off what I was feeling. I was able to disconnect from my shitty reality for a while (or not depending on who I was with....that was mean lol cant help myself). But when others found this out I was treated like a whore (EVEN THOUGH most of the people at his funeral, for fucks sake, would remind me of how young i was and how I shouldn't worry because I would find someone else.....like seriously DONT EVER SAY THAT TO SOMEONE WHOSE HUSBAND JUST DIED,)and acted like I was cheating on Jerry. But he was dead....wasn't like he was away on a business trip and expected to return...he was dead and can you cheat on someone who is dead? Now here's the fucked up thing, I did feel like I was cheating on him and I would go home and cry and drink my sorrows away. I would literally sit in my parents bathroom with a picture of him and cry and say sorry. I felt awful afterward because while I was able to escape life for a brief time, the realization would always come back and hit me like a semi truck. But on the other side of the spectrum, if I didn't date anyone people would be concerned (there was a brief time I was single and not mingling) I would get told that I needed to go out and meet people. I guess they were concerned I would become a hermit or something...adopt 100 cats and name them all Jerry in his memory (Cat remember that conversation?? LMAO....Long running joke between me and my sister)  So in short being a widow with a sex life is a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. But remember just because I'm with someone else doesn't mean I don't miss him every day of my life and love him any less. He is and will always be a part of me and if you don't like it well, you know where the door is. (MOM ITS SAFE TO CONTINUE READING)
        On to a breast feeding story some of you moms might be able to relate to. So since Peanut is currently sleeping and my tatas were quite full (trying to boost my supply so I'm taking supplements) I decided to pump. So what I usually do is pump 20 min each side. No biggie I usually read articles on my phone, watch YouTube videos or just sit there trying to make light of the fact I feel like a moo cow hooked up to those automatic milking machines. So anyway 40 minutes later I am all done pumping, happy with my results I walk over to the sink to wash my pump and but the liquid  gold in the fridge for my baby to enjoy later. As I finish washing everything I turn around to put a lid on the bottle (You probably see where this is going) I HIT IT WITH MY ELBOW. Knocks over the bottle all over me and the counter. So I stand there staring at the aftermath of my poor decision making skills (WHY COULDN'T I JUST PUT THE MILK AWAY FIRST...because that would make sense) covered my boob milk, fighting back tears. So its been a pretty good morning. After the initial shock i kind of just laughed it off, changed my clothes and cleaned up my mess. It can always be worse.
 As always thank you for reading, if you have any questions or comments please don't hesitate to let me know I am always happy to answer anything. Much love.

Widows retreat, Holidays, PTSD and a Baby on the way.....life is interesting..excuse my foul language like usual

 When I had last posted I was on a widows retreat in Palm Coast. I had a wonderful time and met some wonderful ladies. One of which encouraged me to continue writing and was really supportive of my blog and other writing adventures. I encouraged her to start a instagram for her shoes because OMG they are fantastic and I wish I was her. :] But seriously I have shoe envy. The retreat was a lot of fun, it was very different from other retreats I had been to because it was a mixture of Military and Civilian 9/11 widows. The view was incredible and I wish I could wake up every morning and have my coffee on a balcony facing the ocean, but bitch be broke so that wont happen, so I made sure to enjoy every moment of it. Here is a picture of all the beautiful ladies <3 I still need to add most of them on Facebook, i just suck and havent done it lol

 dat view doe

 on the beach :]

But like most retreats I again was the youngest, which sometimes bothers me because the other ladies will talk about their children and half the time I am the same age as them, but that doesn't deter them from treating me like a sister. This time was special too because Athena got to join me while I was there and everyone was super nice and understanding about the fact that I needed my preggo naps and would wake me up when we were about to do an activity which was super sweet because I didnt want to miss out on anything. The only activity I missed out on was Zumba and I was bummed but Athena wasn't having any of that so I sat and enjoyed watching the ladies have a good time. But next my ass is doing some zumba even if I am uncoordinated and will probably fall over. 

The holidays are particularly difficult for anyone who has experienced a loss in their life. Jerry tends to weigh heavily on my mind everyday but during the holidays its much worse. As you know he was killed in October, just weeks before he was scheduled to come home for R&R. He was to spend thanksgiving with us and of course that didn't happen. So thanksgiving is always a little weird for me. I usually get very overwhelmed at the slightest things because PTSD likes to control your actions and thoughts during that time. I do my best to put a smile on my face, but often times need to hide for 10 minutes to cry it out but I wipe the tears away and continue to celebrate with my family and friends. But I know I'm not alone. I am not alone in missing him and not alone in grieving for someone who isn't here anymore. Its always going to suck that hes gone, I know this but I also know that its ok for me to miss him and its ok for me to talk about him and if you have a problem with that, well dont listen because I dont have time for you anyway. People may feel as if were holding on to our husbands and not grieving or not "getting over it" quick enough and to them I say "suck it". Have your spouse die and then tell me its ok to move on and not talk about him. We dont talk about them because were stuck in that moment in time, we talk about them because we love them and want to remember their faces, their mannerisms, and who they were, not because we "cant let go". So poo on you people who dont understand, but know if anything were to happen in your life and you needed me I would still be here for you even if youre an insensitive dick. :]

BABY UPDATE

Athena is doing good, I am officially 25 weeks pregnant and according to my app she is the size of a Prairie dog, yea I dont know my app compares her to weird shit. But shes kicking and moving around so much and its so good to feel her. After the miscarriage I was nervous I would never make it to this point, but every little kick reminds me that shes in there and this is real. Can we level real quick on pregnancy nightmares? Like what the actual fuck? I heard stories about the possibility of  having vivid dreams but no one warned me that I would be fighting off giant monsters and witnessing the world crumble around me in my sleep. More often than not the dreams are terrifying and I wake up panicking (of course depression, anxiety and insomnia from my PTSD are "intensified" as the doctor put it) and cant fall back asleep because you know monsters and shit. Sometimes they are the stupid scary dreams like I'm a mermaid and then I get attacked by sharks and parana or something. With those I usually wake up, slow my breathing, laugh and go back to sleep. But then there are some where I am witnessing people be murdered and I'm like oh this is fantastic and wake up feeling as if I seriously just witnessed them all be taken from me, so like a wierdo I go check on everyone in the house because for some reason it makes me feel better, then I go force my cat to love me for a second (who is currently trying to attack me as I write this) , turn the tv on to some stupid show that will distract my mind and do my best to go back to sleep and hopefully not have anymore crazy ass dreams. I keep telling myself I wont forget them but I always do so I think I am going to write them down, like I said some are funny but others I can do without.

My baby shower is coming up and I am super excited and also nervous because I don't like being the center of attention...ever. Some people are like well you've had birthday parties haven't you? well yes but I'm a twin so I always shared that spot light :] But my bestest friend is planning it with my sister,mom, her mom and her mother in law I believe and I trust them and know they will do an amazing job. I also know they will go overboard because as my bestie keeps reminding me shes had this planned since we were like 13 years old. I love my friends and family, were all crazy and fight sometimes but I wouldn't change them for anything and I couldn't be happier to bring my little girl into this world and into this family. 

I feel the need to give a big shout out to some of my co-workers who despite only knowing me since June have seriously been absolutely amazing to me. They make sure I am not over doing it and there is a couple who I can bitch to about anything and talk about this crazy pregnancy with and just be me around and that is very comforting because I am strange and thats ok because thats me but not everyone can handle my weird self and its just nice to mesh with people. Its also super amazing that they are excited about me having my baby and talk about it constantly and reassure me that I got this and that I will be great. You guys are awesome if any of you happen to read this. <3 

Well I guess thats all for now. Until next time xoxo here are some pictures of my crazy life :]

 right before Halloween with literally the most supporitive man alive. 

  this is what happens on thanksgiving when you play around too much on snapchat. #familygoals

My Pregnancy so far...

 So I announced yesterday via facebook that I am in fact pregnant. :) I am very excited and very nervous at the same time.  Tomorrow will mark the 10 week point in my pregnancy and its been an experience that's for sure. I do have morning sickness, which more for me is more like all day sickness. I haven't been able to eat much but I am making sure I am at least eating. Bro is very excited as well and he does his best to help me when I am not feeling well or when I am emotionally distraught. It's really difficult to be pregnant with all the hormonal changes and have PTSD on top of it. I am not taking any of the medications, I actually haven't taken them in about a year when tricare messed up my insurance coverage. I wasn't upset to stop the medications because they made me feel not like myself at all. I decided that I would rather feel my sadness rather than nothing at all. But I am straying off topic....Its been a very crazy emotional rollercoaster but I do try to keep positive, but with Jerry's angelversary closely approaching it is getting hard not to have anxiety attacks and to cry at any and everything. I am also extremely paranoid because of the miscarriage. I am constantly checking to make sure that there isn't any blood which is emotionally taxing.
  Early on in this pregnancy....at about 6 weeks, I noticed a small spot of blood. I went immediately to the ER. When I was there they noticed 2 sacs but only one had a heartbeat. So they treated it as a threatened miscarriage. At my 8 week ultrasound ( the first one with my OBGYN) they only saw one sac but they didn't do the more in depth ultrasound....you know the uncomfortable one that makes you feel like a popsicle stick. So I'm not sure whats happening yet. But I have an appointment at the end of the month with another ultrasound so well see what happens then.
      Today I got the opportunity to go to the Airforce base that is located near my town for a introduction to pregnancy briefing....I'm not sure what to call it. It was nice, but the woman who normally runs it was on vacation I guess so her co-organizer put this weeks together and it was like everything that could go wrong did. 1st the computer wouldn't load the oral health specialists presentation, then the nutritionist that was there isnt the normal one who does the presentation and she was really weird but i'll get back to that in a minute and the tricare representative that was supposed to talk to me had to cancel,but I did get a couple free books and some helpful pamphlets so thats a plus. Now back to the nutritionist....*deep breath and try not to rant* (sorry inner voice) Ok so this woman was way to spunky for 830 in the morning. Which was annoying but wasnt the worst part. The worst part went a little like this:
 Her: "How far along are you?"
me: "10 weeks tomorrow"
Her: " Wonderful congratulations. What unit is your husband with here at Patrick?"
Me; " Well my situation is a unique one (Me slightly panicking because I realize that no one at this briefing has looked at my intake paperwork that they made me fill out) My husband is deceased. *Her mouth literally falls open....eyes wide open mouth...if I had popcorn to throw I guarantee you I wouldn't have missed. and now I am extremely uncomfortable because its been a good 30 seconds and this bitches mouth hasn't closed yet....try it right now open your mouth as wide as you can and keep it open for at least 30 seconds.....awkward right? Now do that for 30 seconds WITHOUT breaking eye contact. REALLY awkward*
Me cont'd: Yea.....so...
Her: When did he die?
Me: 5 years ago in October.....
Her: "OH so that means it isn't his? *really?!? you tell me* NOT that I am judging, i just felt really bad because you said you were 10 weeks and if it was his that means he would have just passed away. * not like i didnt catch on to your thinking already.....JUDGE ME FOR WHAT* how did he die? *My FAVORITE question*
Me: He was blown up by and IED in afghanistan. * my tone i think showed I was annoyed by her "not judging me" either that or the 'bitch I will cut you' look on my face did.*
Her: Oh I'm sorry
Me: yea.....
 so yea after that she pretty much stopped talking and played a video for me about nutrition and she said "Joy will be right back to do her presentation.. any questions for me?" I chuckled and said no and because IM TOO NICE SOMETIMES thanked her for her time. -.- like seriously who thanks someone after a conversation like that......oh thats right...ME. what the hell?!?!
     So yea that was my fun encounter at the base today and now I am wondering if I am going to have to explain that over and over again. "Insurance is under my husbands name but its not his baby because he died 5 years ago" Its frustrating. Because they do always ask what the relationship with the sponsor is....then where he is....... But its just one of those widow problems.
     Well there is my update....of course I will post more I'm sure because without any medication to help with my anxiety and PTSD writing is the only way I can really express everything and calm myself down. So until next time.

TAPS Atlanta Widow Retreat

 So this past week I went on another retreat with TAPS. This would be my second one with them and to be completely honest I never expected to get in to this one because I put my name on the wait list like 2 weeks after and I just didn't think I'd ever get off the wait list, but surprise for me I did! I had an amazing time. I found out before going that we would be swimming with whale sharks at the Georgia Aquarium, it was quite beautiful. I love the ocean and was super excited to do this. Now I knew whale sharks were big, I know they could get up to 40 feet big, but to actually be up next to one in person was so intense.

here is a picture of me and the other women in front of the tank with whale sharks. The tank has 63 million gallons of water, 4 whale sharks, a turtle named Tank,a bunch of sting rays, fish and some huge ass manta rays. (One kept doing flips, he was so cute) The size of the whale sharks in the tank range from 16 to 21 feet long. We had an amazing tour guide, seriously he rocked. 

 Usually on these retreats TAPS uses the money they get from donations and fundraisers and whatnot to fund our activities. Georgia aquarium went out of their way and contacted TAPS and donated swims for everyone. Not only the swim but admission in to the aquarium, behind the scenes tour, which included an extra tour that guests don't get to see the water filtration system and in the area where other guests can watch the whale sharks and the visitors swim with them, the put the names of all our husbands up on the screens and kept them there all day. It really was amazing to see. They also do programs for wounded Veterans and discounted admissions for their families. This aquarium kicks ass. If you ever have the chance to go visit please do, everything was so spectacular to look at.

 Here are some pictures of me and the other women in my dive group. We got lucky because we were the smaller group :) 

Our goofy picture 

Our second day of the retreat we visited Stone Mountain. This was also a first for me because I've been hiking but I've never climbed a mountain before. This is obviously my before picture where I am full of hope and optimism. 

 This is me on the very top of the mountain, winded and red faced. BUT I DID IT. I climbed that fucking mountain. Cursing it about halfway up. It was a challenge for me. After the miscarriage and the slump I've been in because of it and Jerry's birthday and our wedding anniversary..if you would have told me in march that I would be climbing a mountain I would have called you crazy. But even though I struggled and got winded and stop to rest some I made it to the top. If there isn't some kind of motivational metaphor in there somewhere well shit I don't know where else you could find one. I was proud of myself. Seriously Proud. Now I didn't make it there first or the fastest, and I got passed by some children ( I desperately tried to steal some of their energy...it didn't work...greedy kids), I made it to the top of Stone Mountain. 

this is about where I had a quarter of the hike left...it also happened to be one of the steepest parts of the whole hike. It was a serious challenge for me and although others may have found it easier than me I still had a sense of pride when I reached the top. NOW the fact that I practically ran my curvy ass inside to get me and ICEE (BTW one of the best marketing ideas out there) Here I am enjoying said ICEE.

 and of course like the adult that I am i mixed all the flavors, blue raspberry, green apple and cherry. DELICIOUS. 

 The third day we did a food tour around Atlanta. There was a lot of history that we went over that I loved and of course some food, which I REALLY love. lol I bought some snacks that I got to taste test along the way. Miss D's popcorn and new orleans treats was absolutely insanely delicious. I definitely bought some with the intention of making it last because I knew it would be a while before I can get some more. But that shit didn't happen. Ive been home 2 days and its almost gone.
       I had such a wonderful time seeing old friends and meeting some new ones. My widow tank is full and I am so grateful for these retreats because they are like a reset button for me. It allows me to open up and talk with other wonderful women who understand and relate to what I have been through. Its so rare to have that shared experience and to be around not just one person but so many I can talk to is something that I really cant put into words. It sucks that there are so many of us but Its nice not to feel alone anymore. To be able to reach out to these women when I need advice or just for someone to listen. I am really looking forward to my next adventure with these ladies.

 I would also like to give a BIG thank you to a wonderful lady and her family who gave me some money for my trip just so I wouldn't have to worry about it and have a good time. I don't want to mention names and make anyone uncomfortable but you know who you are and I can not thank you enough for your generosity and love you have shown me. And you my ladies, thank you all so much for being there for me this week 💜💜

Widow is the worst word....

 Widow is the worst word...ok maybe not the WORST word out there, but it is quite awful. I absolutely hate that word because that is the only way to describe my situation. Widow...makes me sound like I'm a 75 year old lady who lost her  husband, not a 25 year old woman in college, trying everyday to feel normal. But then again what is normal...nothing really.
  I wish there was another way to describe the pain I feel everyday or the pain I feel when I think of him, the life we should've had, when people tell me "Oh your so young, you'll find someone else".
      Although my favorite thing to hear is "You're kidding!" in my head I think "Yes I am kidding what a funny joke right, who would be widowed this young. so glad you fell for it" but polite anti-social me says "no" and then I usually find myself apologizing...why? I have no clue. I do apologize to people a lot for reasons that are unknown.
        Today is tough for me. I am not really sure why, but today I feel very sad...very alone. I miss Jerry. Even thinking about him makes my heart hurt deep deep inside. Its a pain I cant really describe, but if you have ever experienced a close loss, you know what pain I am talking about. I want to reach out and talk to someone but I wouldn't know what to say and then make things weird, I am very good at making things weird.
     I have recently decided that I no longer want to be on medication. On medication I felt like a zombie. I felt no emotion...well let me rephrase that. I could feel my emotions but I couldn't express them, except anger. Anger always has a way of sneaking in there and fucking shit up.  Now that I am about a month without medication I cry about almost everything, my anxiety is out of control but I am managing, I AM LIVING. Even though it is very difficult I feel like a person. I can not express how amazing it feels to feel like a person. I know I will never be whole, my heart will never heal. There is a quote, by Rose Kennedy, that goes " It has been said that 'time heals all wounds' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, But it is never gone." If this quote wasn't so long I would have it tattooed on me somewhere. The pain never goes away. Doesn't matter what meds you're on, how long its been, If you fall in love again (REMEMBER it is ok to do so) and if you find yourself having happy moments. That pain stays, but I know deep in my heart Jerry wouldn't want me to sit in my house all day and cry (Although I do sometimes...which is also ok as long as it isn't everyday), he would want me to be happy for him because he cant be here with me in the flesh. It can be hard sometimes, living without him. Sometimes I find myself smiling and instantly think "Oh if Jerry could be here" and then part of me feels bad. I feel guilty for smiling, but I know he would want me to be happy and all I can do is to do my best and make him happy by living life for the both of us.