When your best just doesnt feel like its good enough...and other updates on life

So about a week and and a half ago I started this post with "As I sat watching my child finally sleep after an hour and a half of her screaming with everything I do only seeming to make it worse and make her screams more shrill...I have to sit and wonder....is my best good enough? Others seem to take my child and have no issues, she gives them no problems whatsoever....but here I sit, crying until my eyes burn because no matter what I am doing I feel as if it isn't good enough.Yes I realize its my depression and anxiety doing this to me. But do you know how tired I am of fighting them? How not just mentally exhausting it can be, but how physically exhausted I am? Constantly fighting with yourself over things part of you understands isn't true. Its like having 2 people inside my head, one is completely rational, the other well....isn't. It hurts to think that I am not good enough, I am my own worst critic" - Well damn week and a half ago RaiAnne way to be depressing. But that is where I was then Now I am a little less critical, (still kept the title because I couldn't think of anything better) I am still convinced my child hates me most days, give me a break I said I was a LITTLE less critical, but in all seriousness that time was a down week for me. I was stressing about money (who doesn't) Stressing about school (again who doesn't) and just over all overwhelmed about stuff (don't make me say it). But I sat down and after a brief alone time with some reflection (I named my wine bottle reflection) I came to my fuck it moment. I had signed up for 3 summer classes 1 in semester A which was statistics and 2 in semester B, well I couldn't back out of semester A but I sure as hell could back out of semester B so guess what? I said Fuck it and dropped my semester B classes. I was literally working myself into the grave. I would come home after working 10-12 hour shifts at work to work on math homework (thought my life couldn't get anymore depressing, I was wrong, math makes everything more depressing). There is nothing worse than trying to use your brain when it has no life left to it. I know I'd be much worse off if it weren't for a select few amazing people I work with. 1. You know who you all are and 2. You guys don't know how much you help my sanity. (Especially when the day goes to pure shit, you don't get a lunch, 5 out of the 7 people working are having mental breakdowns (I was one of them), you know you're not leaving on time and you are just sitting there watching your life ignite with the flames of stupidity from others and you're left to clean up the ashes. vivid enough?) But really you guys are awesome and before I was moved to the back I knew what a shit stick you guys were always handed but never realized how bad it smelled, BUT that being said I would never go back to where I was given a choice.
              But since then my birthday has come and gone. My bestie from work made me carrot cake cupcakes (girl I didnt forget your fish lol) and another brought me an enitre carrot cake. (they know me so well...my deep obsession for carrot cake). My family and friends celebrated with gifts that are too good for me. Money to renew my universal pass, Ice cream cake, a new pride shirt, another surprise i am waiting on, A scavenger hunt with treasures of all the coffee (starbucks gift card), wonderful art by my favorite little man, wonderful heartfelt cards and a day at the spa (which I redeemed today and HOT DAMN I NEED ALL OF THE MASSAGES..but seriously amazing) and my favorite thing...hugs. I know I am lame but screw you I like hugs. Also family time. There is nothing like when we all get together and sit at my house and laugh. I get to see my niece try to love my dogs who want nothing to do with her, Monkey and Pea trying to figure out each other and what they are, my parents interacting with them both and just all the stupid conversations. Literally my favorite thing in the world is hanging out with people you love.
        Now the next part of this may get a little deep and it may rub specific people the wrong way honestly I am kind of debating even writing about it but this is my space to write about how I feel and I shouldn't be afraid to express something because someone who might read this may misinterpret what I am saying and be offended. So....my family reunion is in like 5 days. Well I am leaving in 5 days. I will be driving 12 hours (probably longer due to stops) with a 3.5 months old baby, my baby daddy (were together, i just enjoy saying it), Joe and my Pops. Now I am nervous about the drive. I have probably spent more time googling "traveling long distances with infant in car" than one person should ever need to and have made sure that I have enough supplies for her than needed (better to have than to need right?) but I am more nervous about my family. Now I love my family. They are my family and as daddy says "You cant pick who you're related to so you might as well get used to it" (I am sure hes thrown a "fuck" or "fucking" in there somewhere, probably between the well and get) which is fine because I do love my family. The thing that gets me is that I am different. Save your "Oh no you're not different, you're special" bullshit, I mean I know I am fantastic but that isn't the point. My point is that I was raised on Judas Priest and ACDC, where I feel as if they were more Madonna and Duran Duran. They're Molly Ringwald and I am Judd Nelson (The Breakfast Club..in case the reference wasn't clear). I am covered in tattoos (which theyre not big fans of and have repeatedly told me not to get more...to which i have repeatedly ignored) and colored my hair every shade of the rainbow, where as they wouldnt which is cool to each their own, I just don't judge for it. Now I know they love me (shit i hope so) but lets face it even with our differences in personalities I have been through life altering shit so that makes social interactions a bit more complicated. I also enjoy talking about Jerry and the life we had, the stupid shit he used to do and all that where I feel as if they feel if they ignored it, it would be an out of sight, out of mind thing. I remember the year after Jerry died I was sitting outside my Aunt's house in the backyard enjoying the 4th of July party with my dad and a song came on that reminded me of him. Now remember I was not even a full year out yet so the pain was still very fresh (like the knife was still in my stomach fresh) and I kind of spaced out for a second. I will not mention names but someone instead of asking me (even though I was right there) asked my dad if I was alright. I remember looking up from my drink at my Dad and just staring at him. I made mention to him before the trip that I was afraid they would treat me different because of Jerry's death. He told me that some people couldn't handle what I went through and that I shouldn't be ashamed at all to be who I am and if they didn't like it they knew where they could go. I am sure that conversation flashed through his mind as well and he looked up and said "Fuck if I know, why don't you ask her she's right there" (see why I love my dad) I remember thinking 'Wow my own family is afraid to talk to me...what a freak...i am a widow freak' and that ladies and gentleman was my biggest fear. I didn't want anyone to avoid me, fuck I was trying to enjoy my time just like anyone else, but it was still too fresh for me. Now after that I got completely hammered with another aunt and uncle who ended up driving there just for me, my sister and I drinking Pina coladas excessively and dancing to the Pina Colada song, and sneaking off to smoke, I did end up having a good time though.  I also remember having a straight up,rocking back and forth, hyperventilating panic attack and my one aunt trying to help me but I couldn't even answer her when she asked what was wrong because of the severity of the attack. I wanted to tell her I just couldn't get the words out,she got frustrated with me....I don't think she knew that I was having a panic attack and couldn't talk, so I don't hold that against her. Certain people in my family I have never had to dull myself around, some I've had to dull a little and others I had to just turn off completely because let's face it, oil and water don't mix. And that's OK, I love my diverse family I just sort of wish they weren't so afraid of my grief. Grief is scary but it wasn't like I was going to break down at the sheer mention of him..  So the moral of the story ladies and gents is that sometimes saying nothing is a lot worse than saying something. Sometimes just a little "I just wanted to say I am sorry you had to go through that but I promise to be here for you and help you get through the day just a little easier while I am here" will mean the world to someone.  I don't speak for all widows, I just remember how isolated I would feel especially being  21,22,...etc. Any widow function I am usually baby so I understand its uncomfortable. Death is uncomfortable no matter the loss. Now I am not saying run up to your local widow and shake them screaming "I AM HERE FOR YOU, TELL ME EVERYTHING" just be respectful and for the love of God if you don't remember their loved ones name just say husband, brother in law, friend ect...just trust me on this one....or hey just be honest and say I am sorry I don't remember his/her name, what was it?
    Now there was my Uncles mother who was there at the reunion, she was a widow also and even though she was older than me we clicked. I remember finally smiling just because someone wanted to hear about my stupid stories about him. I don't think she knows how much that meant to me. To this day that conversation meant everything to me. "Don't let them bother you sweetheart. Your memories and your tattoos are gorgeous and don't let anyone take that from you".
             Thanks again for taking the time to read this and hopefully you enjoyed it. XOXOXO

Pea with Uncle Chris and her DK tie Uncle Joe got for her Picture is a like a month old but its a cute one

A special shoutout to these two amazing ladies. I am so happy to have you both on my journey and so is Athena. #widowsisters <3