7 years

Its that time of year again... 7 years. October 13th will make 7 years that he has been gone. Of course I overwhelm myself with work , school and life to try to distract myself from the inevitable breakdown waiting to happen. This year feels different though. I am not really sure how to explain it. I am depressed and miss him dearly dont get me wrong, but this year I feel...ok. I dont know. I have been trying to take care of myself a little more (I am still working all the time, but I have time for myself when I get home to relax), I have been diving deeper in to spiritual studies and meditation. It has been helping. I have dropped a lot of people from my life, not that I dont love or care for them, but I cant keep being around the nonsense and for me I have enough craziness of my own I am not trying to add anymore. I still love them from a distance, but it needs to be from a distance at least for now. This year I am actually going to try and leave my house for Jerrys anniversary. There is a hockey game over in Orlando that night and I am excited and very fucking nervous. I told everyone they have to buy me a drink so well see how that goes lol. Yes I know drinking isnt the answer but leave me alone I never claimed to have healthy coping mechanisms. Work is stressing me out something fierce. I try to go in everyday and do my best but I am wearing thin. Things have been crazy and I am just trying to work my hardest to give Pea the best life I can. She is currently with Abuela who I am pretty sure has kidnapped my kid again. She hurt her ankle and we told her we'd go get her but here and her friend are going to have a girls shopping day so she wanted to keep her. Family dinner night has been moved to satruday, I love seeing my parents with Pea and Kairi. The girls are getting bigger and more unique and its just neat to see them interact with them. My parents of course had to spoil them and already bought them a big ass christmas present, I am excited to see them open it. After having Pea I feel happier during the holidays. After Jerry died it was really hard for me, I didnt want to celebrate anything, even Halloween which has always been our favorite. This year I am excited to dress Pea up again and still toying around the idea of throwing a party. Christmas I could never get back into but recently I find myself getting a little more excited than previous about Christmas. We'll see what happens. Bro has been super sweet to me recently due to all my stress from work and school. He knows when I have a bad day, he either has wine waiting for me or a hot bath with bath bombs. He even got more at Target. He picked some up and I asked him what he was doing.. "I like making you baths with the bombs and youre almost out". Kinda melted my heart a little bit. He cant relate to my issues on every level, I know that and he knows that so when he does little things like that it really shows me hes trying to understand and if he cant hes at least trying to help me chill out a bit. Such a cool guy.

 One of my favorite people from work is leaving for a better opportunity. It sucks for me but I am super happy for her. Shes a great person and great at what she does so her new job will benefit greatly but I will miss working with her. Were still gonna hang out so it will be alright work will just suck a little more. Ive learned a lot from her and I cant thank her enough for all the stuff shes taught me, answering all my dumb ass / weird questions. I dont even know if shell read this lol

     Another one of my friends went to New York and was kind enough to go see the 9/11 memorial where Jerry has a cobblestone in the garden. It was really neat to see where it is. I sometimes feel a lone in my grief but when I have friends who remember or go out of their way on their vacation to go look for a Jerry thing somewhere, it makes it a little easier. She didnt know Jerry but she knows me and that really makes me feel special because she wasnt doing it to see him for herself she did it for me and thats a really great friend. Well I am going to go put out some decorations because everyone is asleep. Halloween Horror nights has taken a toll on everyone and theyre all napping. Last night was a blast though so I dont blame them but I am a weirdo who can never nap. It really sucks. lol Anyway thats all for now. I may do a memorial post for Jerry next week but dont hold me to it. If there is anything you wanted to know about him, ask and ill tell. Same if you have questions for me, feel free to ask.