Well since I last wrote (which I had to go back and look at because I forgot what I wrote about besides the miscarriage...thank you PTSD) I discussed my miscarriage and that was pretty much it. But since then I went to a widows retreat with American Widow Project ( an awesome organization which you should check out) in Destin Florida, had what would have been Jerry's 28th birthday pass, attended a gender reveal party for my baby sister and finally in my shit show of life got some good news.
We'll start with the widows retreat. This was my first widows retreat with AWP and after finding out I did in fact have a miscarriage I decided I was still going to go anyway, I needed to be around other women who could at least help me with dealing with the wonderful gift of being a widow and at least be able to talk some of out. I drove to Lakeland with my boyfriend, Joseph or Bro as we all call him. From Lakeland I drove by myself to Destin, which was about a 6 hour drive. It was nice because for some reason my GPS decided to take me the scenic route which is nice because if you are familiar with Florida I would have had to take I4 which is ALWAYS a nightmare. So it was kind of nice driving the back roads, I even got to drive by a farm that had a few baby goats playing and it was so freaking adorable. But the drive gave me time to think, I was able to roll the windows down and listen to my music and just escape for awhile.
I was meeting a widow because we were going to car pool because parking at the place we are staying had limited parking so I agreed to meet and car pool with a widow who was recently widowed, 5 months at the time if I'm not mistaken. I was anxious, like usual...no surprise there. I find that at my widow retreats or seminars for survivors that I go to it is the only time I would and will ever get in the car with or pick up perfect strangers. Like seriously...I met this woman in a remote location and let her and another widow she met up with in my car where we drove another 40 minutes or so to the retreat, she could have been a serial killer lol and this isn't the first time I've done this at a retreat. I've watched enough horror movies to know better but I digress. (actually I believe we spoke about this in the car on the way lmao) We got there and the place was gorgeous. 3 story little vacation home and I was placed on the 3rd floor in a room with a bunk bed. It was such a nice place though. We all introduced ourselves and had some pizza and salad and waited for a reporter to show up. The community was very aware and very welcoming to us. After that we all went upstairs and talked about our husbands, how long we were together, their branch, how they died. We also talked about what we hoped to get out of the weekend. I forgot to mention that this group only consisted of about 10 of us so it was really small group which was different from TAPS which had like 30 women. But I had a wonderful time talking with all these ladies and hanging out. When the weekend was over I really didn't want to leave lol theres a type of connection you make with these women and its so instant and so strong. It's like being different and people around you understand but they cant completely grasp it and then finding a group of people who understand exactly how you feel, down to the most intimate thoughts. This retreat was a little difficult for me because of everything that happened before the retreat. But it was nice to get away for a few days.
Jerrys birthday came and went. He would have been 28. Birthdays are always hard for me because he isnt here to celebrate them anymore. Then of course my Wedding anniversary was last month as well. Thats a lot harder than the birthdays in a sense because everyone remembers Jerrys Birthday but I am really the only one who remembers and celebrates our anniversary. It sucks. But there isnt much that I can really do. I hate this time of year because its just a constant reminder that he isnt here.
My sister is having a girl!! on a more positive note. Kairi Elizabeth. I'm excited to be an aunt. The party was very nice, her boyfriends Mom threw the party for them and they are wonderful people, funny too which is a nice relief since our family has a fucked up sense of humor and you really need to be able to joke to be around us...like for real we are not normal. lol. But it was awesome and I took some awesome photos of them. Here is one I edited for them.
But all in all it was a fantastic party with amazing food because DAMN can she cook. I also recently attended a craw fish dinner they had to celebrate his mother passing her doctorate I believe. First time having craw fish and they were good.
And now I will be leaving retail which I am so happy about. I am so tired of being yelled at over fucking coupons.. BTW if you are one of those people who yell at the cashiers because your fucking coupon doesn't work because you don't know how to read a fucking expiration date or some other reason fuck you. Like seriously. And a little side note...if the coupon doesn't work and your not an asshole cashiers are more likely to try and help you get a better deal. Because when people are nice to me I try and help them out I will ask a manager hey can we help them out someway and usually I can do something but if you come up to me guns blazing and acting like I have personally wronged you by not letting you use a coupon that expired like 6 months ago than screw you I hope you get 3 flat tires on the way to where ever you are going like One day I hope that I see you at your job when you're having a shit day and I hope you remember me and think to yourself "OH shit I was really mean to that girl" and then I am going to ask for your manager and whisper some thing to him/her that makes you nervous and go crazy thinking about what was said. But in reality I didn't say anything about you I just wanted to make you sweat....anyway now that, that crazy rant is over....I should really find a hobby...lol sorry about that. But back to where I was originally headed with this I am getting a new job. I will be working with animals and I am super excited about it. Also very nervous because I have a big heart when It comes to animals and when I have to put one to sleep I am gonna lose it. Thankfully they only do that when it is medically necessary. I am very excited though especially because my current boss is a misogynistic asshole. Retaliation is such a huge issue within the work place and when something is mentioned you either get in more trouble or no one does anything because they are afraid of it either getting worse or wasting their breath. Many people have already complained or written to corporate but I doubt any good will come of it. We had employee opinion things that are supposed to be anonymous but i doubt it. Anyway I wrote out whole thing and sent it in. I was honest with the questions they asked so I can only hope that for the other employees it gets better.
The last thing I will talk about is that in 10 days I will be driving up to Atlanta on another widow retreat this time with TAPS. Im so happy and grateful to be able to go to 2 retreats so close together, I really do need it though because things have been stressful and I just need some time with people who can understand.
Oh and I was also interviewed on Florida Today to talk about memorial day and whatnot which was awesome but I will talk more about that next time.
here is a picture of me and the other women in front of the tank with whale sharks. The tank has 63 million gallons of water, 4 whale sharks, a turtle named Tank,a bunch of sting rays, fish and some huge ass manta rays. (One kept doing flips, he was so cute) The size of the whale sharks in the tank range from 16 to 21 feet long. We had an amazing tour guide, seriously he rocked. 
Here are some pictures of me and the other women in my dive group. We got lucky because we were the smaller group :) 
Our goofy picture 
Our second day of the retreat we visited Stone Mountain. This was also a first for me because I've been hiking but I've never climbed a mountain before. This is obviously my before picture where I am full of hope and optimism. 
This is me on the very top of the mountain, winded and red faced. BUT I DID IT. I climbed that fucking mountain. Cursing it about halfway up. It was a challenge for me. After the miscarriage and the slump I've been in because of it and Jerry's birthday and our wedding anniversary..if you would have told me in march that I would be climbing a mountain I would have called you crazy. But even though I struggled and got winded and stop to rest some I made it to the top. If there isn't some kind of motivational metaphor in there somewhere well shit I don't know where else you could find one. I was proud of myself. Seriously Proud. Now I didn't make it there first or the fastest, and I got passed by some children ( I desperately tried to steal some of their energy...it didn't work...greedy kids), I made it to the top of Stone Mountain. 
this is about where I had a quarter of the hike left...it also happened to be one of the steepest parts of the whole hike. It was a serious challenge for me and although others may have found it easier than me I still had a sense of pride when I reached the top. NOW the fact that I practically ran my curvy ass inside to get me and ICEE (BTW one of the best marketing ideas out there) Here I am enjoying said ICEE.
and of course like the adult that I am i mixed all the flavors, blue raspberry, green apple and cherry. DELICIOUS. 
