Meh...

So this started out as a Facebook post but then I realized how long it was so I put it here.
     For the last couple days I've been sitting thinking about why I've been so mentally blah lately, with the anxiety attacks, depression, and just overall just blah. 2 and a half weeks will be Jerry's anniversary. It hasn't snuck up on me or anything but it's effecting me early I guess. 5 years is a long time and the fact I'm pregnant my emotions are haywire to begin with. Having ptsd had been a tough ride without being pregnant. Of course I overthink everything and lately seems like that is really what's been bothering me I over analyze what people say to me and how they say it. Sometimes it almost seems people think I'm stupid, telling me how to do something that is obvious. I understand I ask a lot of questions but it's because it takes a minute for me to remember or understand. I'm not stupid just have ptsd. I don't know. I may not be 100% but I know my shit. I have common sense. Depression sucks. Ptsd sucks. Being a widow sucks. Lol but it's part of my life. I guess this is the first time since the miscarriage that I've felt this low. I keep replaying things in my head, small mistakes that I can't change...constantly replaying over and over in my head. I can't take my anxiety meds as much as I would love to right now so I'm using lavender oils that a very special person gave me. It's pretty neat it has a braclet that has twine around it that you just put some oil on and it lasts a while although I may look crazy just sniffing my wrist lol but hey people already think I'm crazy so oh well lol its hard living with depression. I know bro is worried because we've talked about it. He's worried my depression will get through best of me when the baby is born. He told me he's worried I'll have one of my days where I can't get out of bed. I still get those days, I'm in bed all day mostly crying or catatonic. I won't speak to anyone and won't eat all day. I tell him not to worry but I'm worried too. I do my best to let this not affect my life but it does and that's the reality of it. Everything ties back to jerry, I miss him I love him and will always love him and it sucks that my mind isn't strong enough sometimes.