dat view doe
on the beach :]
But like most retreats I again was the youngest, which sometimes bothers me because the other ladies will talk about their children and half the time I am the same age as them, but that doesn't deter them from treating me like a sister. This time was special too because Athena got to join me while I was there and everyone was super nice and understanding about the fact that I needed my preggo naps and would wake me up when we were about to do an activity which was super sweet because I didnt want to miss out on anything. The only activity I missed out on was Zumba and I was bummed but Athena wasn't having any of that so I sat and enjoyed watching the ladies have a good time. But next my ass is doing some zumba even if I am uncoordinated and will probably fall over.
The holidays are particularly difficult for anyone who has experienced a loss in their life. Jerry tends to weigh heavily on my mind everyday but during the holidays its much worse. As you know he was killed in October, just weeks before he was scheduled to come home for R&R. He was to spend thanksgiving with us and of course that didn't happen. So thanksgiving is always a little weird for me. I usually get very overwhelmed at the slightest things because PTSD likes to control your actions and thoughts during that time. I do my best to put a smile on my face, but often times need to hide for 10 minutes to cry it out but I wipe the tears away and continue to celebrate with my family and friends. But I know I'm not alone. I am not alone in missing him and not alone in grieving for someone who isn't here anymore. Its always going to suck that hes gone, I know this but I also know that its ok for me to miss him and its ok for me to talk about him and if you have a problem with that, well dont listen because I dont have time for you anyway. People may feel as if were holding on to our husbands and not grieving or not "getting over it" quick enough and to them I say "suck it". Have your spouse die and then tell me its ok to move on and not talk about him. We dont talk about them because were stuck in that moment in time, we talk about them because we love them and want to remember their faces, their mannerisms, and who they were, not because we "cant let go". So poo on you people who dont understand, but know if anything were to happen in your life and you needed me I would still be here for you even if youre an insensitive dick. :]
BABY UPDATE
Athena is doing good, I am officially 25 weeks pregnant and according to my app she is the size of a Prairie dog, yea I dont know my app compares her to weird shit. But shes kicking and moving around so much and its so good to feel her. After the miscarriage I was nervous I would never make it to this point, but every little kick reminds me that shes in there and this is real. Can we level real quick on pregnancy nightmares? Like what the actual fuck? I heard stories about the possibility of having vivid dreams but no one warned me that I would be fighting off giant monsters and witnessing the world crumble around me in my sleep. More often than not the dreams are terrifying and I wake up panicking (of course depression, anxiety and insomnia from my PTSD are "intensified" as the doctor put it) and cant fall back asleep because you know monsters and shit. Sometimes they are the stupid scary dreams like I'm a mermaid and then I get attacked by sharks and parana or something. With those I usually wake up, slow my breathing, laugh and go back to sleep. But then there are some where I am witnessing people be murdered and I'm like oh this is fantastic and wake up feeling as if I seriously just witnessed them all be taken from me, so like a wierdo I go check on everyone in the house because for some reason it makes me feel better, then I go force my cat to love me for a second (who is currently trying to attack me as I write this) , turn the tv on to some stupid show that will distract my mind and do my best to go back to sleep and hopefully not have anymore crazy ass dreams. I keep telling myself I wont forget them but I always do so I think I am going to write them down, like I said some are funny but others I can do without.
My baby shower is coming up and I am super excited and also nervous because I don't like being the center of attention...ever. Some people are like well you've had birthday parties haven't you? well yes but I'm a twin so I always shared that spot light :] But my bestest friend is planning it with my sister,mom, her mom and her mother in law I believe and I trust them and know they will do an amazing job. I also know they will go overboard because as my bestie keeps reminding me shes had this planned since we were like 13 years old. I love my friends and family, were all crazy and fight sometimes but I wouldn't change them for anything and I couldn't be happier to bring my little girl into this world and into this family.
I feel the need to give a big shout out to some of my co-workers who despite only knowing me since June have seriously been absolutely amazing to me. They make sure I am not over doing it and there is a couple who I can bitch to about anything and talk about this crazy pregnancy with and just be me around and that is very comforting because I am strange and thats ok because thats me but not everyone can handle my weird self and its just nice to mesh with people. Its also super amazing that they are excited about me having my baby and talk about it constantly and reassure me that I got this and that I will be great. You guys are awesome if any of you happen to read this. <3
Well I guess thats all for now. Until next time xoxo here are some pictures of my crazy life :]
right before Halloween with literally the most supporitive man alive. 
this is what happens on thanksgiving when you play around too much on snapchat. #familygoals
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