I am 31 weeks today, I feel her move everyday which is comforting given that I still check for signs of a miscarriage, depressing I know. But with that I am on an emotional rollercoaster. PTSD is kicking my ass, I use my techniques to help me deal with the panic attacks and what not but sometimes they don't work. Not everything has a solution but and sometimes I just have to cry it out but I hate doing that. Hate it. Can't wait to be able to have my medication again or sleep on my stomach, I really miss sleeping on my stomach. But it makes me question whether or not I am going to be a good mom. Like everyone is super nice and of course no one is gonna be like you're going to be a shitty mom, but I get nervous. Like right now I am so overwhelmed with everything. I have a wonderful job which I absolutely love but now I cant do as much as I used to and I feel a little useless. I like to believe that I have a good work ethic and that I am a good worker and right now I don't feel that way. When I try (or have to...oh shady) do a lot of stuff I end up feeling like I am dying, I have a co worker who would constantly tell me early in my pregnancy that "soon you won't be able to do all this work" and I didn't believe her....Brittany if you're reading this I believe you now. I should have listened to you sooner. lol But really it makes me feel like I am not doing a good job. But I do have some amazing co workers who I consider friends who do help me so much and I appreciate it, like there aren't words to express my gratitude.
To add to my ever expanding life, we decided to get a puppy. What the fuck was I thinking...lol. "Oh I have a baby on the way, I work full time,and about to be a full time student what else should I add? oh a puppy" hes crazy and has cost me more in phone chargers than i've ever spent (even though I've hid them from him) and drives me absolutely crazy sometimes i still love him and I wouldn't want anyone else to have him. Hes a pain in the ass but hes my pain in the ass.
i mean look at his face....
Trying to sign up for school has been such a pain in the ass too. Classes start soon and of course theyre taking their sweet ass time getting me my paperwork....like a bitch wants to learn...let me learn. damn.
But I know everything will be ok and eventually I will get my shit together and it will all fall into place. And as if I didnt need a sign from Jerry to lighten the fuck up this came into the mail today.
jerrys telling me to buy a hot tub. lol
I try not to intrude on your posts. This is where you just let yourself go. I get it.
ReplyDeleteBut I want to tell you a story. Of a girl, far from what was once her home, to the new home with a wonderful guy....and it'd been months since she seen her feet. Months since anything she did was comfortable. A girl who'd been through a lot, trust was an issue...cause there really wasn't any.
And one day, this thought crept in. A thought of how the entire world was going to change. Twice. It was very overwhelming. And scary. What happens when you're afraid of the unknown? You hide, or get pissed.
This girl got pissed. And as days went on, she got bitter. Bitterness turned to rage. She really had no one to talk to at this stage. And things seemed to fester. And she really hid it well. Then...one day, laying on the couch (cause really she was HUGE and couldn't do much at this time) just crying her eyes out - feeling hopeless for the most part which just pissed her off more...there was a double roll. She was completely stretched out, as the children inside her who were suppose to be small, cause aren't twins suppose to be small? HA! It hurt. She looked down and watched the rolling lumps misshapen her extended belly. Totally enraptured by the scene. Up to this point, with all that rage and fear, she wondered if she'd be a good mother. Her past, her upbringing, wasn't ideal. And she wondered if history would repeat itself. She didn't want to be like that. And it was something that terrified her more than anything else. And in that moment, looking down at those little 'protrusions' in her belly, something shifted. The rage just went away.
The worry of what *I* would do, disappeared. My heart filled with so much joy and love for two little beings that hadn't even come into the world yet but was just a literal pain in my ass...and belly....changed everything. The doubt of whether or not you'll be a good mother (despite what everyone says which is always "you'll be a great mom") never goes away. Not when the child is born, not when the child goes off to school...to college...to get married. Especially not the tormented teen years. And the doubt is still there, as you watch your daughter doubt herself, as she prepares to have your grand daughter. I can safely say, I got great kids. Considerate, loving, stubborn =D. And I'd like to think, maybe a little bit, that I had a hand in how you grew up. Being a great kid.
And Rai, you WILL be a great mom. I've seen you with children. I've seen you with Kairi. And you always have back up when you need it, want it....its always there.
We love you babygirl.
PS....Jerry wants you to put the hot tub in my Florida room. Just sayin'
ReplyDeleteLol thank you mom and if anyone is getting a tub it's me lol
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