and when the depression hits, it hits hard. (Adult Language...like always)

Let me start off by saying yes I am depressed, yes it is probably a combo of Postpartum and my PTSD, no I am not a harm to myself or others and no you don't have to worry, I am just depressed. Its hard to express any other feelings besides happiness when you're a new mom and I think that is mostly because if you admit to being anything other than happy (or tired) people become concerned. "Oh shes depressed, hopefully she is taking care of the baby". It is like as soon as you admit that you're depressed your ability to be a good mother in brought into question. I am a good mom (I at least think so) and yea if I didn't have depression on top of my PTSD I'd probably be an amazing mom but ya know what it doesn't go away (I've tried...many times) and its just something I have to learn to cope with. My depression makes me more tired, less interested and a lot more irritable. Granted when I snap because of things I at least am justified in being irritated just not to the extent that my mental illness takes it. I was very concerned when I decided to write this because mental illness is already a taboo subject among many people and then when you add postpartum to it (another thing no one ever talks about) I didn't want someone to question me or my ability to function (I've worked really hard to be a high functioning person with all these issues thank you very much) as a person or a mom. I don't want anyone to worry. I do ask for help when I need it, if I begin to get overwhelmed I will put her down or hand her off and take a minute to myself. Whether it be stuffing my face with some carrot cake, taking the dogs outside and enjoying the fresh air, or just bawling my eyes out (I'm talking ugly cry) until I feel better. It isn't something I enjoy doing, I don't feel good having to have someone else take care of my daughter even if it is only for a few minutes it makes me question myself. This isn't a 24 hour 7 days a week thing (well the postpartum and PTSD is but the breakdowns where I need to walk away is what I am talking about)...mostly just an in the moment thing where I need to remember to breathe. I hate that there is such a stigma on mental health in general and no one talks about it. It sucks that it is seen as a weakness and something that should be hidden..well fuck that because even just me venting (or bitching) about it in a blog post, even if no one reads this, makes me feel just a little better, then I feel like its at least worth it just a little bit.
  I am happy to have her though. I am happy that she is mine and that shes beautiful and healthy. But that doesn't make me any less scared, but again I am doing my best. I just wish I could bitch more and not be judged because of it. Think about it if I were to post a status on any social media platform, that said something like "Super stressed" "Overwhelmed" or "Sad" people's first thoughts would be omg is the baby ok?? yea shes fine. She eat sleeps and poops so I don't think she has too much going on right now.

here's an example of her doing both (in batman style too). But sometimes I just need a hug to be reminded that its ok...that Im ok. It does help that shes an awesome baby, she doesnt really cry too much (yet) and when she does it's pretty easy to figure out what she wants. Although today shes been fussy but I think it is because she is tired and keeps fighting the sleeps. Why any living thing would fight a nap is beyond me. I am sure I did it when I was younger...if only I could go back in time and change that. Stupid baby me. 

I am very grateful and happy with my life but like I said sometimes a girl just needs a moment and needs to feel ok having that moment. I still hide from everyone when I need to cry, family and even bro, I hide from them all. Which is really dumb when you think about it because they have all seen me at my absolute lowest point, but I don't want them to see me now. Doesn't make sense does it? (answer is no) Oh well that's how my stupid brain works and I guess with that I am done venting for the evening. 

As always thanks for reading <3