Life with all its craziness

 So I am officially back to work now. So far it has been good I missed just bullshitting with adults. lol I am learning how to be a tech in the back and I really do enjoy it..except when I have to stick my fingers in a dogs ass but hey you take the good with the bad.
 At this point in my life I solely run off of caffeine..mostly coffee. So if you are ever thinking to yourself "I should get Rai something because she is the most amazing person ever!" get me coffee or give me money to get coffee. I LOVE COFFEE. just saying. Peanut has been doing really good with Bro when I am at work. With the exception of today when I had to rush home because she isn't feeling well and because of my anxiety I completely over reacted and I feel awful because I left work early to go home to make sure is ok and doesn't need to go to the doctor. YAY PANIC ATTACKS! I have been doing ok with dealing with my PTSD (and all that it entails) and Peanut. It hasnt been easy and i often feel really bad because it is like Bro has to take care of both me and peanut. There have been a few times I will be holding her and shes crying and Im crying and nothing I do will sothe her. That is usually when he comes to my rescue and I either feel better after a few minutes or feel like a complete failure as a mother. But he assures me that its ok and we are a team  and that I am doing the best I can. Which is what I really need to hear sometimes because fuck its depressing lol Also does not help that tomorrow would have been Jerry's 29th birthday...so there's that. When I was talking with my manager discussing when I would be able to return to work I told her I could this week as long as I had tomorrow off and she was nice enough to understand why and give me tomorrow off. I am nervous about how tomorrow will go seeing as I now am super sensitive because of hormones, started my period and still trying to adjust to peanut. But I have Bro who is an amazing dad. Its so natural to him and for me its the opposite. I have no idea what I am doing most of the time and just pray when she cries it isn't something that cant be fixed with a bottle, diaper, burp or cuddles. Shes so relaxed with him too, its cute they sleep together...which I have started to get more with. I will nap with her but not for to long because I am afraid I will smush her. No co sleeping for me and that is ok because I already have both dogs that will not leave my side ever. and sometimes my fat kitty who currently is trying to sit on my laptop.
 I am really looking forward to July this year because I got accepted to go to Minnesota for about 4 days to be with other military widows. I've never been that far and apparently the place is super beautiful. I really need it because right now my widow tank is running on fumes. I was super close to having a breakdown at work. This time of year is always difficult because april is his birthday and may is our wedding anniversary so its back to back. Plus i am back at work, have a newborn, and am trying to advance at work.
 I like learning how to be a tech at work but I also feel really dumb and in the way because I don't know the terms yet or what certain diagnoses means. Also everyone has been doing this for so long that it is second nature and I feel as if I am slowing them down. I have gotten attitude from one on my first day back and it took everything I had not to say something to her but I just held my tongue and went about my day learning with my other co worker who is awesome. There are a few there that I tend to gravitate more to because I feel like I annoy them less and that they don't mind showing me the ropes. Speaking of work I somehow managed to work an entire day with Peanuts pacifier in my bra. How you ask? well let me tell you. You see when I woke her up to feed her this morning I put her bink in my bra because when you have big boobs wearing a sports bra allows you to have a purse on your chest. So I put it in there so I wouldn't loose it...(irony) Well when I was done feeding her (in my defense it was like 6am) I couldn't find it and pretty much thought it just fell into the couch never to be seen again (or until bro cleans under there) shrugged my shoulders and grabbed the other one from the sink never to think about the missing one again. Now I pumped at work, but in my car so i didn't really undo my bra like I normally would. When I came home I took off my bra to put on my ghetto makeshift hands free pumping bra ( I made one out a sports bra *Thanks Brittany* because get real I don't even spend 40 dollars on cute bras that aren't for pumping or breast feeding why the fuck am I going to spend it on a bra with 2 holes in it. Hence why I made my own) and boom bright green pacifier. I look over to Bro and ask "does she have a bink"
Bro: "yes why"
Me: "which one did you use all day" hoping that i really didn't work all day with a damn pacifier in my bra
Bro: " the blue one why" At this point I hold up the binkie, "that's been in your bra all day hasn't it?"
I just nod and start to laugh. #bigboobproblems I guess. Either that or someone thought I deserved to laugh today.
 Well I guess that is all for today Here are some cute pictures of my kid for reference. Like always let me know if you have questions or feel free to comment..I am obviously not shy about anything and cant really be offended....Im pretty sure I am immune.

 
 
 

 I mean come on look at that face. 

Good baby, my keurig hates me, widow things and wasted liquid gold

 My little peanut is a month old :) Its so nice knowing that I've managed to keep her alive this long without anything happening (I'm actually going out with my bestie today to celebrate,..so its a big deal). She is quite the amazing baby though. I really cant complain too much. I am jealous of her life though...eat, sleep, and poop...and someone cleans and feeds you what a magical life. #jealous. She did a newborn photo shoot courtesy of Brittany (whose all around amazing) who bought us a gift certificate for it. Check my cute ass baby out. <3 And a big thank you to Violet Joy Photography for these AMAZING pictures.

 

 
 
UGH LIKE I CANT HANDLE HOW ADORABLE SHE IS! I look at these when I get overwhelmed to remind myself how much I love her lol Is that bad to admit? probably. But she is doing fantastic, doctor says she is healthy which is what really matters. There was a little bit of a health scare in the beginning because they were worried about her soft spot. It was very small and of course they didn't tell me what that means so what did I do? something I know better to do....I turned to Dr. Google. WHY WOULD I DO THAT TO MYSELF?? Don't ever google anything health related. Its all terrifying. But no need to worry now. At her last check up they said she is growing just fine.
     So I have been up since 4am which isn't a big deal for  me because its usually when I wake up anyway. However it usually isn't a problem because I have coffee. Sweet, reliable, loving coffee. This morning my Keurig decided it wanted to clog up and not brew. fuck you Keurig, withholding my delicious nectar of the Gods. Took me a few minutes and a lot of cursing to fix it. But I got whats mine. (Give me a break I'm sleep deprived). I think every new mom should receive a free coffee pot and a  3 month supply of coffee. And you may be thinking "But I don't like coffee" well you need to re-evaluate your life choices, like seriously sit down and think about why you're so wrong. Coffee=life. Of course I am kidding...you're not wrong just weird.
       So on to widow things, I will be going to a retreat in Minnesota in July. Its just for a few days but I am super nervous to be away from Peanut but I trust Bro. He is great with her and its so sweet to see him read to her and nap with her. Melts my cold dead heart. I recently started following this woman on facebook, who is a military widow and she is funny as hell. Her name is Michelle Miller, she has written a book and she post some seriously funny (and sad, but ACCURATE) feelings and stories about being a widow, One of my favorite things she posts about is "How to talk to a widow without making an ass of yourself" tips. #603 for example is " Don't say: Ill PRAY for you Do say: Ill PAY for you......and then take her shoe shopping." She is vulgar and honest and I aspire to be her. I was reading something she posted the other day that had to deal with grief sex that totally opened my eyes to something I've noticed. She talks about how when you're husband dies there are 2 types of people. Type 1: The widow who has no interest in ever having sex with anyone other than there husbands and type 2: The wild widow. She compares it to grief eating. You either don't eat anything when you're upset or you stuff your face. But there is a stigma on both....I should know. (MOM LOOK AWAY I'M GOING TO TALK ABOUT MY SEX LIFE AND DONT WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD CONVERSATIONS ABOUT IT LATER WITH YOU....LOVE YOU MOMMY) When Jerry died I did wait a while before "jumping in the saddle" with someone. I did know them which I guess is better than random Tinder hook ups...although tinder wasn't around when Jerry died so who knows. But anyway I got really dirty nasty looks when people found out I was having an "active" social life again, But the sex took my mind off what I was feeling. I was able to disconnect from my shitty reality for a while (or not depending on who I was with....that was mean lol cant help myself). But when others found this out I was treated like a whore (EVEN THOUGH most of the people at his funeral, for fucks sake, would remind me of how young i was and how I shouldn't worry because I would find someone else.....like seriously DONT EVER SAY THAT TO SOMEONE WHOSE HUSBAND JUST DIED,)and acted like I was cheating on Jerry. But he was dead....wasn't like he was away on a business trip and expected to return...he was dead and can you cheat on someone who is dead? Now here's the fucked up thing, I did feel like I was cheating on him and I would go home and cry and drink my sorrows away. I would literally sit in my parents bathroom with a picture of him and cry and say sorry. I felt awful afterward because while I was able to escape life for a brief time, the realization would always come back and hit me like a semi truck. But on the other side of the spectrum, if I didn't date anyone people would be concerned (there was a brief time I was single and not mingling) I would get told that I needed to go out and meet people. I guess they were concerned I would become a hermit or something...adopt 100 cats and name them all Jerry in his memory (Cat remember that conversation?? LMAO....Long running joke between me and my sister)  So in short being a widow with a sex life is a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. But remember just because I'm with someone else doesn't mean I don't miss him every day of my life and love him any less. He is and will always be a part of me and if you don't like it well, you know where the door is. (MOM ITS SAFE TO CONTINUE READING)
        On to a breast feeding story some of you moms might be able to relate to. So since Peanut is currently sleeping and my tatas were quite full (trying to boost my supply so I'm taking supplements) I decided to pump. So what I usually do is pump 20 min each side. No biggie I usually read articles on my phone, watch YouTube videos or just sit there trying to make light of the fact I feel like a moo cow hooked up to those automatic milking machines. So anyway 40 minutes later I am all done pumping, happy with my results I walk over to the sink to wash my pump and but the liquid  gold in the fridge for my baby to enjoy later. As I finish washing everything I turn around to put a lid on the bottle (You probably see where this is going) I HIT IT WITH MY ELBOW. Knocks over the bottle all over me and the counter. So I stand there staring at the aftermath of my poor decision making skills (WHY COULDN'T I JUST PUT THE MILK AWAY FIRST...because that would make sense) covered my boob milk, fighting back tears. So its been a pretty good morning. After the initial shock i kind of just laughed it off, changed my clothes and cleaned up my mess. It can always be worse.
 As always thank you for reading, if you have any questions or comments please don't hesitate to let me know I am always happy to answer anything. Much love.