UGH LIKE I CANT HANDLE HOW ADORABLE SHE IS! I look at these when I get overwhelmed to remind myself how much I love her lol Is that bad to admit? probably. But she is doing fantastic, doctor says she is healthy which is what really matters. There was a little bit of a health scare in the beginning because they were worried about her soft spot. It was very small and of course they didn't tell me what that means so what did I do? something I know better to do....I turned to Dr. Google. WHY WOULD I DO THAT TO MYSELF?? Don't ever google anything health related. Its all terrifying. But no need to worry now. At her last check up they said she is growing just fine.
So I have been up since 4am which isn't a big deal for me because its usually when I wake up anyway. However it usually isn't a problem because I have coffee. Sweet, reliable, loving coffee. This morning my Keurig decided it wanted to clog up and not brew. fuck you Keurig, withholding my delicious nectar of the Gods. Took me a few minutes and a lot of cursing to fix it. But I got whats mine. (Give me a break I'm sleep deprived). I think every new mom should receive a free coffee pot and a 3 month supply of coffee. And you may be thinking "But I don't like coffee" well you need to re-evaluate your life choices, like seriously sit down and think about why you're so wrong. Coffee=life. Of course I am kidding...you're not wrong just weird.
So on to widow things, I will be going to a retreat in Minnesota in July. Its just for a few days but I am super nervous to be away from Peanut but I trust Bro. He is great with her and its so sweet to see him read to her and nap with her. Melts my cold dead heart. I recently started following this woman on facebook, who is a military widow and she is funny as hell. Her name is Michelle Miller, she has written a book and she post some seriously funny (and sad, but ACCURATE) feelings and stories about being a widow, One of my favorite things she posts about is "How to talk to a widow without making an ass of yourself" tips. #603 for example is " Don't say: Ill PRAY for you Do say: Ill PAY for you......and then take her shoe shopping." She is vulgar and honest and I aspire to be her. I was reading something she posted the other day that had to deal with grief sex that totally opened my eyes to something I've noticed. She talks about how when you're husband dies there are 2 types of people. Type 1: The widow who has no interest in ever having sex with anyone other than there husbands and type 2: The wild widow. She compares it to grief eating. You either don't eat anything when you're upset or you stuff your face. But there is a stigma on both....I should know. (MOM LOOK AWAY I'M GOING TO TALK ABOUT MY SEX LIFE AND DONT WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD CONVERSATIONS ABOUT IT LATER WITH YOU....LOVE YOU MOMMY) When Jerry died I did wait a while before "jumping in the saddle" with someone. I did know them which I guess is better than random Tinder hook ups...although tinder wasn't around when Jerry died so who knows. But anyway I got really dirty nasty looks when people found out I was having an "active" social life again, But the sex took my mind off what I was feeling. I was able to disconnect from my shitty reality for a while (or not depending on who I was with....that was mean lol cant help myself). But when others found this out I was treated like a whore (EVEN THOUGH most of the people at his funeral, for fucks sake, would remind me of how young i was and how I shouldn't worry because I would find someone else.....like seriously DONT EVER SAY THAT TO SOMEONE WHOSE HUSBAND JUST DIED,)and acted like I was cheating on Jerry. But he was dead....wasn't like he was away on a business trip and expected to return...he was dead and can you cheat on someone who is dead? Now here's the fucked up thing, I did feel like I was cheating on him and I would go home and cry and drink my sorrows away. I would literally sit in my parents bathroom with a picture of him and cry and say sorry. I felt awful afterward because while I was able to escape life for a brief time, the realization would always come back and hit me like a semi truck. But on the other side of the spectrum, if I didn't date anyone people would be concerned (there was a brief time I was single and not mingling) I would get told that I needed to go out and meet people. I guess they were concerned I would become a hermit or something...adopt 100 cats and name them all Jerry in his memory (Cat remember that conversation?? LMAO....Long running joke between me and my sister) So in short being a widow with a sex life is a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. But remember just because I'm with someone else doesn't mean I don't miss him every day of my life and love him any less. He is and will always be a part of me and if you don't like it well, you know where the door is. (MOM ITS SAFE TO CONTINUE READING)
On to a breast feeding story some of you moms might be able to relate to. So since Peanut is currently sleeping and my tatas were quite full (trying to boost my supply so I'm taking supplements) I decided to pump. So what I usually do is pump 20 min each side. No biggie I usually read articles on my phone, watch YouTube videos or just sit there trying to make light of the fact I feel like a moo cow hooked up to those automatic milking machines. So anyway 40 minutes later I am all done pumping, happy with my results I walk over to the sink to wash my pump and but the liquid gold in the fridge for my baby to enjoy later. As I finish washing everything I turn around to put a lid on the bottle (You probably see where this is going) I HIT IT WITH MY ELBOW. Knocks over the bottle all over me and the counter. So I stand there staring at the aftermath of my poor decision making skills (WHY COULDN'T I JUST PUT THE MILK AWAY FIRST...because that would make sense) covered my boob milk, fighting back tears. So its been a pretty good morning. After the initial shock i kind of just laughed it off, changed my clothes and cleaned up my mess. It can always be worse.
As always thank you for reading, if you have any questions or comments please don't hesitate to let me know I am always happy to answer anything. Much love.
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