This beautiful but crazy world

Today is Thanksgiving. There is a lot that I am thankful for few examples, my family, my friends new and old, my fur babies, My home, my job (even tho I bitch a lot...lets be honest who doesnt), the fact that I can go to college and many other things. But I also cant help but be bitter. It is because Jerry is gone that I have the opportunities that I do. Its a double edged sword I suppose. The holidays bring on a certain sense of bitterness for those who are missing someone who is no longer here. The holiday feels just a more empty. Around this time of year I am very on edge ( I know I have mentioned it in my previous post) My anxiety is high, number of panic attacks go up and I cant say his name out loud because it will send me into tears. So most wonderful time of the year my ass. lol.
I just wish others would understand, its difficult to explain why at a certain moment I am having a panic attack, or the fact that someone said something to me in a different tone of voice caused me to cry (this happens a lot due to my overthinking of a situation. My brain likes to make it into a bigger deal that it is) but it all boils down to the fact that he isnt here and that I miss him. I have been thinking of a lot of regrets that I have lately (because why not kick myself when Im down right?) and a lot have to do with his family. I regret that we arent closer. I regret that we dont talk. Part of me feels like its almost to late. I talk with his mother here and there, make sure she is doing ok and reminding her that I am thinking about her because I dont want her to think she is alone. I dont do it as much as I should, life gets so busy sometimes and I know that is not an excuse.
 I just cant stop thinking that 7 years ago today Jerry and I spent our first and only Thanksgiving as a married couple. I feel so robbed sometimes.
 It gets difficult for me at work sometimes. There arent many who understand or that can relate. I love (most) coworkers, but very few are comfortable about talking about it. Funny since we experience and assist in animals crossing the rainbow bridge almost on a weekly basis. I guess when you have experiences you become a little jaded I suppose. For about 8 weeks running there was a euthanasia or DOA coming into the hospital. Unfortunately around this time of year is when everyone decides to say goodbye and those appointments tend to fill the schedule more than others. They are not easy appointments to go into and more often than not when I am there I am either taking the room or assisting in some way. It takes its toll, especially when you have another client coming in screaming at us that we dont care, all we care about is money. No corporate cares about money. Sometimes I am the one who stays with your pet as they cross that rainbow bridge, I cry for them because I am the last face they see, a stranger. I hug them and pet them one last time and after they are gone I say a silent prayer for them (even if you stay I was pray for them). I love my job but it can be really hard, especially when you are clinically depressed. But hey probably more than half the people I work with suffer from depression so at least I am not alone. Brightside of things I guess.  There are people who constantly say they wish they had my job or they want to do what I do, it is not easy and a lot of people who say that I know for a fact cant handle it, but there is no nice way of saying it so I just say yea and smile. When I first got the job as a nurse I wasnt sure how I was going to handle it or even if I was going to stay with it, but I do help in helping a lot animals and that makes the hard times worth it. I like how my thought of how it can be hard to talk to coworkers turned into a depressing tangent about the hard parts of my job. Well if you have ever wondered what it is like inside my brain (which is not pretty lol lets be honest) there you go, one random tangent to the next.
 This holiday season I will continue trying to do my best, if not for me at least for Pea and Jerry. I do my best not to cry in front of her or get upset or have a panic attack but sometimes it just happens and it sucks. I know what you must be thinking "God this post is depressing" Im sorry lol I try to write what I am thinking and sometimes shit just gets dark. But you just have to roll with the punches. Ready for a laugh? I have to go get ready for church. :p Unfortunately I am not joking Bros mom wants me to go, well all of us. I dont have anything against churches or religion, I just have my own set of beliefs and mine and hers arent the same. Not saying there is anything wrong with that it just isnt for me. But it is important for her and if it makes her like me a little bit more I will go and just sit and watch the ASL interpreters sign and pray I dont burst into flames. just kidding. Or am I?
Happy Thanksgiving everyone, stay safe and eat too much