For some, memorial day is everyday

This morning I was good. Last night was an awesome night, had some friends over drank some  (an entire bottle) of sangria and played some board games. I knew what today was, I thought I was prepared (i wasnt). This morning I woke up to my baby smiling at me and my dogs cuddled up close, but I could feel it. I tried pushing it  down, pretending it wasn't going to affect me. "This year will be different. This year I won't be so upset". Then I checked Facebook like i always do and in my memories was my interview with Florida today. "I'll just make a small post about it " I thought as I hit the share button  . I didn't even bother rewatching the video. "You're ok" I thought to myself as I feed my hangry baby "today will not bring you down. We won't let anxiety or depression win" I can be so naive. "You're friends are here, go have fun and stop being so anti-social. Stop being you. " I am my biggest critic and meanest bully some times. " it's been almost 6 years." I say to myself, as I cry in the shower..then why does it always feel like yesterday? I try to keep a smile on my face, enjoy the day but to those closest to me , they can always tell. "You ok?" I always answer the same "yea I'm good. Just tired." I'm not completely lying. I am tired. I am tired because I stress , I'm tired because I miss him, I'm tired because my anxiety makes my heart race like I just ran a marathon. Then to distract myself I go on Facebook some more. Give love to my widow sister's because I know they're feeling it too. Send extra love to my mother in law and honestly one of my favorite people in the world. She understands me and she understands my hurt. But then I see people sharing pictures of me and him, our intimate moments that we captured together, people who weren't always there, people who only know his birthday because of Facebook, people who promised me "if you need anything I'll be there", but they're not there even when called upon or they're there to make them selves look good, people who in public pretend i never existed or call me his ex-wife. And rhen theres those who act like I am their one good deed "I talked to a widow today where is my gold ribbon " I don't mind people remembering him and sharing their memories but don't pretend you're living with the same struggle I am or like his mother or his siblings or friends. (I never mind the ones that ask if they can share to honor him or the ones who share because they know its important it is to me. Its the ones who do ot for attention) They didn't know him like we knew him. They didn't know his favorite color or his favorite food. They don't know what it is like to have your heart ripped from your chest. To physically feel your heart break and have to keep going. To keep living without the one thing that made you actually want to live. They celebrate him on his birthday, memorial day and the day he died. But we are reminded everyday. I was sitting on my couch the other day and thought I should call Jerry haven't talked to him. For 2 seconds I forgot he was dead. Who does that..oh yea me when i am sleep deprived.  Does that happen to them? Do they only remember me because of our pictures and what I post? Do they have to worry about trying to explain to their children whos that man in the pictures that are hanging up, even though she isn't old enough to understand anything yet. No they don't. They celebrate him today, memorial day, is their day. I let them have it because every other day is mine.
Thank you for tuning in to this session from a bitter widow. Brought to you by wine fueled bitterness and an overall hatred for fake ass people.