Meh...

So this started out as a Facebook post but then I realized how long it was so I put it here.
     For the last couple days I've been sitting thinking about why I've been so mentally blah lately, with the anxiety attacks, depression, and just overall just blah. 2 and a half weeks will be Jerry's anniversary. It hasn't snuck up on me or anything but it's effecting me early I guess. 5 years is a long time and the fact I'm pregnant my emotions are haywire to begin with. Having ptsd had been a tough ride without being pregnant. Of course I overthink everything and lately seems like that is really what's been bothering me I over analyze what people say to me and how they say it. Sometimes it almost seems people think I'm stupid, telling me how to do something that is obvious. I understand I ask a lot of questions but it's because it takes a minute for me to remember or understand. I'm not stupid just have ptsd. I don't know. I may not be 100% but I know my shit. I have common sense. Depression sucks. Ptsd sucks. Being a widow sucks. Lol but it's part of my life. I guess this is the first time since the miscarriage that I've felt this low. I keep replaying things in my head, small mistakes that I can't change...constantly replaying over and over in my head. I can't take my anxiety meds as much as I would love to right now so I'm using lavender oils that a very special person gave me. It's pretty neat it has a braclet that has twine around it that you just put some oil on and it lasts a while although I may look crazy just sniffing my wrist lol but hey people already think I'm crazy so oh well lol its hard living with depression. I know bro is worried because we've talked about it. He's worried my depression will get through best of me when the baby is born. He told me he's worried I'll have one of my days where I can't get out of bed. I still get those days, I'm in bed all day mostly crying or catatonic. I won't speak to anyone and won't eat all day. I tell him not to worry but I'm worried too. I do my best to let this not affect my life but it does and that's the reality of it. Everything ties back to jerry, I miss him I love him and will always love him and it sucks that my mind isn't strong enough sometimes.

Today I became a Titi

    Well today was quite eventful, as the title suggested I became a Titi today and got to hold my niece for the first time. It all started at about 7am when Joe woke me up and said "Have you checked your messages?"..."Um no why?" as I slowly reached for my phone and yawned trying to wake up. Sure enough on the screen showed a message from my sister "Babys coming, dont rush" which immediately sent me into panic mode because unlike my father if you tell me not to worry I am prone to do the exact opposite....every time. Never fails. So I called her of course, with no answer, called my mother who I woke up (If you're reading this...sorry again mom) who was aware that my sister was in labor and then called my sister's boyfriends mother, who is literally one of the sweetest ladies I've ever met. Sure enough she was there and gave me an update and told me again not to worry....fat chance. :)
            I asked my sister if she wanted me there and she said "eh" mostly because they hadn't given her, her  epidural and was in pain and mostly because she didn't care. It isn't a family secret that me and my sister have had a rocky past. I love my sister and would do anything for her but it has taken a long time for me and her to have a healthly relationship and still I often am hesitant to ask to be a part of anything. I always willing to be there and help but I also never want to over step or to intrude or make her feel bad if she didn't want me there. I'm weird but again it's how I am. After dropping off my brother at work I started to drive home. I hadnt left the parking lot yet and my eyes glanced over to the photo button I have of Jerry hanging on my rear view mirror..*que waterworks. I was hit with a wave of emotion. Everything from extremely happy to incredibly sad and lonely. Now my sister and Jerry had a wonderful relationship. He loved her so much and she him. I was happy they had such a wonderful relationship and all I could think about in that moment was that he was gone and missing this. I became sad and angry that he wasn't here, that he was cheated of this amazing moment, how he would have given anything to be there, how much he would have loved to hold his first niece, how he would have spoiled the ever living shit out of this baby because it was my sisters and he loved her so much. I don't think she'll ever know how much he cared for her, but I know and it breaks my heart. And yes I know that he isn't truly ever gone but with us in spirit but you know what I am allowed to be fucking selfish once in a while and wish that it was more than that. I want him here alive and in person. I cried the entire way home. ( I am also crying like a baby right now..I wish I was a cute crier, ever see those women who are beautiful no matter what....yea I can confidently say that I am not at all a cute crier. lol)...I ran inside threw on a bra and a skirt, woke up bro and continued to get ready all while fighting back tears.
       Bro noticed and made me sit on the couch with him while I started to have a full blown panic attack( Thanks again PTSD and hormones). Bro at first couldn't tell why the hell I was crying and hyperventilating,but it didn't take him long to figure it out. "Why you crying?....Jerry?" Ladies and gentleman I cant express to you all enough how incredibly fucking lucky I am. I do not deserve this man. Never did I think that I could sit there and cry and say how much I miss my husband to a man who loves me so much and wants to get old a wrinkly with me, and watch him comfort me and in no way what so ever get jealous, angry or in any way upset that I talk about him.
          Now you may be thinking "Rai, what do you mean,he loves you he should love all of you" I agree and he does but I cant tell you the amount of widow horror stories i've heard about ex's and even when it comes to my ex. Being a widow I cant expect the person I love to be 100% ok with all that its mentally wrong with me when it comes to my past with my husband, but there should always be some sort of understanding between serious new partners and my past. Bro has gone above and beyond when it comes to Jerry. I know I have mentioned it before in previous posts but I know that when I miss Jerry I can talk to Bro about it and he just holds me and listens to my stories and lets me cry it out. I am a lucky bitch..lol Men take note. Just kidding...unless you're a dick and then seriously take note. As widows we cry because we miss them...i'm saying that some people feel as if they're in competition with our husbands and act like we can just run back to them...if that were true I wouldn't be with your ass anyway...just saying lol This is a common topic at my widow meet ups. But I'm getting side tracked.
    So I finish my panic attack jump in the car and head to the hospital. About 4 hours later I got to meet my niece, just like her momma took forever to arrive...just kidding Cat. It was kind of funny because me, Joe, Sean ,Sean's Mother and of course Cat are sitting in the room and the doctor comes in and says I'm just gonna check you. Now at this time I was fighting with Cat's computer trying to turn in her assignment because apparently her teacher is a fucking douche nozzle and doesn't understand child birth. So I'm keeping my head buried in her computer as Joe holds up a pillow to shield his face. Then we hear "Why dont you go a head and push" me and joe look at each other and our faces probably mimicked each others in that they said "UM HOW ABOUT FUCKING NOT WERE STILL HERE" So we waited until they made her pause and Ive never seen my brother run out of a room so quickly. I started making the phone calls to my parents to tell them baby Kairi was on her way and should be here soon.
        I believe about an hour and a half later is when she made her grand entrance. When we were allowed back in after they cleaned everything up, I nervously waited my turn to hold my niece. Of course the grandparents went in before us to give them time, then we joined them. But Sean's Grandma showed up and I could tell she was so excited to hold her so I waited. She damn near made me cry with how excited she was and the fact she started to tear up and again damn hormones have made me into a bitch who cries at everything. lol But it was a sweet moment to witness. Once the crowd started to empty the room and they checked the baby's diaper (thought she pooped and I was gonna wait until they changed her....don't get me wrong I love her but Ill wait lol) My chance finally came and I held her. It has been about 2 years since I've held a newborn.... My little Harley Quinn, who isn't as little anymore( im getting old). So I grabbed her and sat with her on the couch and watched as she tried to eat her hospital blanket. She kept sticking out her tongue and it was absolutely adorable and in that moment even though there was people all talking and surrounding us it felt like it was just me and my little beautiful niece and the thoughts of Jerry came back. I fought the tears trying desperately trying to escape but knew how much he would have loved this baby and where ever he may be I know hes watching her. As a parting gift I gave her Jerrys dog tags. Of course she wont know until she is much older that they were her uncles and that I know for a fact he would have given anything to be there but eventually I will share those stories with her if she is ever interested in knowing. Well now that I am crying again....don't worry mixture of sad and happy...mostly happy I am going to go to bed. And to Catherine and Sean, I am so proud of both of you for what it is worth and you guys are going to be amazing parents I have no doubt about it. And to Kairi, you're less than 24 hours old but you are so loved and I cant wait to see how you grow. And Ive made myself cry more lol Goodnight folks.

Feeling nostalgic

 Life has been pretty calm for me so far, which believe me I am super happy about. I am 12 weeks pregnant and monday I go for another ultrasound which is really cool because we get to see the little baby moving around and stuff. It nice because its a reminder that this is real and that there is a good reason for my nausea :] although I still wish this baby would let me enjoy at least one meal that isn't a pepperoni lunchable not saying that there is something wrong with them, they're fucking delicious and if you think differently we cant be friends.....just kidding....maybe.
  Anyway I've been pretty hormonal..i know...SHOCKER. But with all the hormones I get a little nostalgic (didnt see that coming did you). With Jerry's angelversary coming up and the baby pulling on my heart strings I cant help but think about him and how much I miss him. Dont get me wrong I am happy with where I am given my circumstances, but I will always love him and always miss him. Its a fact and I am very lucky to have a wonderful man who understands that and supports me in all my widow adventures.
  My sister came over the other day and as I was sitting on the couch after a particulary rough day and me just generally missing him, goes "Do you remember the story of when zoo (Mine and Jerry's cat) got covered in clam chowder and ran around your apartment?" We had a good laugh for a few minutes and I've realized I've never really shared many of those goofy stories of us. It was only us in our little apartment, 1000 miles away from our family and friends. So I've decided in the spirit of him I would share one or two.
  So I know what you must be thinking "Why the fuck was the cat covered in clam chowder" well wait no more. It was a rainy day outside and given the fact that Jerry and I were super broke and didnt have a car we decided to stay in that day instead of going out. I asked him repeatedly if he wanted something to eat, he said no so I made myself some of my favorite soup, clam chowder, which was the last can of clam chowder, if I am remembering correctly. So I make my soup and walk my happy ass over to our couch and get ready to watch a movie (one we probably watched a million times because again broke didnt have internet...gasp....or cable ...double gasp....struggle is real folks) I sit down and this mofo tries to eat my soup. So we start yelling at each other (because If you know me you  know I am very protective about my food..I'm a big girl I like to eat) So were yelling and then of course because were adults start throwing shit at each other all while the cat is running around in circles because she has no idea what the hell were doing . Well I have the brilliant idea to throw my pillow at him.......It was like slow motion....as soon as I threw it I saw the mistake I had made....I DIDNT JUDGE THE TRAJECTORY CORRECTLY FOLKS...the corner of the pillow goes right into the bowl of my clam chowder, which then spirals around, throwing soup all over the apartment and all over the cat. I look at the pillow, the bowl and the cat defeated (the cat at this moment is freaking out because shes covered in soup and is running around the apartment climbing on everything that is until she realizes how delicious the soup is and starts to eat it) , while Jerry is laughing so hard I;m sure hes going to piss his pants at any moment. I'm pretty sure I cried while cleaning up the soup because I really wanted that soup lol but Jerry helped me clean it up and he made me a sandwich instead and we watched our movie.
      He always had the best sense of humor, I could never really stay mad at him. Whenever I was he always had a way to make me laugh and just like that I was over it. Thats just how he was really. Ugh hes such an ass and I miss him so much.
  Another story that makes me laugh is when he first bought the game Dead space. Which if you haven't played is a jump scare game. Its based in a space station that has mysteriously gone silent and your character is sent there to investigate. In the game there is dead people just laying about and you hear some kind of creature growling and running around and trying to kill you. So anyway Jerry is playing this game in the living room with all the lights off and I am sitting behind him playing on his phone or reading....I cant remember but I remember laughing because Jerry wasn't one to be scared by a video game, i mean come on our favorite holiday is Halloween and we enjoyed watching horror movies. So hes playing and I see him hit pause and I look up and he takes a deep breath and turns to me and goes "I need to go to the bathroom" I know I had the what the fuck look on my face because hes a fucking adult and just us so I dont understand why hes telling me this.."OK" i say "Go then"
"Babe Im not playing can you come wait by the door" By now Im doubled over laughing because this my husband, a freaking solider in the Army is asking me to guard the bathroom door. He begins to yell at me to stop laughing which makes me laugh harder. I tell him just leave the door open...(*side note he'd pee with the door open but hed never poop with the door open..I had now been with this man for like 6 years and he was still a shy pooper.)  He thought about it and then said ok as long as I would stand where he could see me. So yes ladies and gentleman I stood guard while my 22 year old, Army mortar man husband took a poop because he was afraid of the alien  from a video game. *sigh* that is one of my favorites because I know I cant accurately portray the look of genuine fear he had on his face. I mean he knew he was being crazy and irrational and even though we both knew it I stood guard anyway until he was done and then sat back and watched him play more of the game until he hold me he was scared because his heart was beating so fast he was afraid he'd have a heart attack. Ah good times.
       Well thats all I have right now, I will update more on monday after the ultrasound. Thanks again for reading my ridiculous stories and hopefully they made you laugh just a little.

My Pregnancy so far...

 So I announced yesterday via facebook that I am in fact pregnant. :) I am very excited and very nervous at the same time.  Tomorrow will mark the 10 week point in my pregnancy and its been an experience that's for sure. I do have morning sickness, which more for me is more like all day sickness. I haven't been able to eat much but I am making sure I am at least eating. Bro is very excited as well and he does his best to help me when I am not feeling well or when I am emotionally distraught. It's really difficult to be pregnant with all the hormonal changes and have PTSD on top of it. I am not taking any of the medications, I actually haven't taken them in about a year when tricare messed up my insurance coverage. I wasn't upset to stop the medications because they made me feel not like myself at all. I decided that I would rather feel my sadness rather than nothing at all. But I am straying off topic....Its been a very crazy emotional rollercoaster but I do try to keep positive, but with Jerry's angelversary closely approaching it is getting hard not to have anxiety attacks and to cry at any and everything. I am also extremely paranoid because of the miscarriage. I am constantly checking to make sure that there isn't any blood which is emotionally taxing.
  Early on in this pregnancy....at about 6 weeks, I noticed a small spot of blood. I went immediately to the ER. When I was there they noticed 2 sacs but only one had a heartbeat. So they treated it as a threatened miscarriage. At my 8 week ultrasound ( the first one with my OBGYN) they only saw one sac but they didn't do the more in depth ultrasound....you know the uncomfortable one that makes you feel like a popsicle stick. So I'm not sure whats happening yet. But I have an appointment at the end of the month with another ultrasound so well see what happens then.
      Today I got the opportunity to go to the Airforce base that is located near my town for a introduction to pregnancy briefing....I'm not sure what to call it. It was nice, but the woman who normally runs it was on vacation I guess so her co-organizer put this weeks together and it was like everything that could go wrong did. 1st the computer wouldn't load the oral health specialists presentation, then the nutritionist that was there isnt the normal one who does the presentation and she was really weird but i'll get back to that in a minute and the tricare representative that was supposed to talk to me had to cancel,but I did get a couple free books and some helpful pamphlets so thats a plus. Now back to the nutritionist....*deep breath and try not to rant* (sorry inner voice) Ok so this woman was way to spunky for 830 in the morning. Which was annoying but wasnt the worst part. The worst part went a little like this:
 Her: "How far along are you?"
me: "10 weeks tomorrow"
Her: " Wonderful congratulations. What unit is your husband with here at Patrick?"
Me; " Well my situation is a unique one (Me slightly panicking because I realize that no one at this briefing has looked at my intake paperwork that they made me fill out) My husband is deceased. *Her mouth literally falls open....eyes wide open mouth...if I had popcorn to throw I guarantee you I wouldn't have missed. and now I am extremely uncomfortable because its been a good 30 seconds and this bitches mouth hasn't closed yet....try it right now open your mouth as wide as you can and keep it open for at least 30 seconds.....awkward right? Now do that for 30 seconds WITHOUT breaking eye contact. REALLY awkward*
Me cont'd: Yea.....so...
Her: When did he die?
Me: 5 years ago in October.....
Her: "OH so that means it isn't his? *really?!? you tell me* NOT that I am judging, i just felt really bad because you said you were 10 weeks and if it was his that means he would have just passed away. * not like i didnt catch on to your thinking already.....JUDGE ME FOR WHAT* how did he die? *My FAVORITE question*
Me: He was blown up by and IED in afghanistan. * my tone i think showed I was annoyed by her "not judging me" either that or the 'bitch I will cut you' look on my face did.*
Her: Oh I'm sorry
Me: yea.....
 so yea after that she pretty much stopped talking and played a video for me about nutrition and she said "Joy will be right back to do her presentation.. any questions for me?" I chuckled and said no and because IM TOO NICE SOMETIMES thanked her for her time. -.- like seriously who thanks someone after a conversation like that......oh thats right...ME. what the hell?!?!
     So yea that was my fun encounter at the base today and now I am wondering if I am going to have to explain that over and over again. "Insurance is under my husbands name but its not his baby because he died 5 years ago" Its frustrating. Because they do always ask what the relationship with the sponsor is....then where he is....... But its just one of those widow problems.
     Well there is my update....of course I will post more I'm sure because without any medication to help with my anxiety and PTSD writing is the only way I can really express everything and calm myself down. So until next time.

BUSY BUSY BUSY

So sorry I haven't posted lately...I'm terrible I know. But I've been so busy, but in a good way. After my widows retreat in Atlanta I came home feeling happy and my spirit rejuvenated. Since then I started working about 20-30 hours a week, but I love it. I have some really good days and of course there are some bad ones. But its ok because usually everyone is nice its just we get really busy and it can be overwhelming.
     Tonight was also my sister's baby shower. It was fun decorating for it because she chose the theme....Nightmare before Christmas, which hands down is one of my favorite movies. I cooked baked ziti which everyone seemed to enjoy and I also got to see some ladies from my old job that I have missed talking to. Overall I think it went ok. It's overwhelming sometimes though. Having PTSD and trying to be a good  host and not freak out because there is a lot of people. Even though no one is bothering me or going crazy in my house, the fact that there are people there gets me overwhelmed sometimes. But I really enjoy planning these things for family and friends which is why I do it. Its almost like I'm being torn into two. One side of me is thrilled and the other is freaking out. It so difficult to explain. But as long as everyone had a decent time I'm happy.
  I have so many exciting things coming up but it isnt time to tell everyone yet...sorry. lol I don't want to jinx it...but soon I promise.
       Lately I have been very stressed and overwhelmed, my PTSD has been literally driving me crazy. I am either a complete bitch or my anxiety is through the roof. It really  is awful and I was thinking to myself I dont know why its been so bad lately....and as I was writing this last paragraph it hit me. Jerry's angelversary is in 2 months and in the back of my mind I keep thinking of all the things he isnt here for. Dont get me wrong, I love my life right now, but I really wish that he was here sometimes. I think about how much he would have loved to see what everyone has been up to. Especially my sister, Catherine having her baby. I know he would have loved to see his first niece be born and grow up, all the things he would have loved to teach her and all the moments he would have hated to miss. Happy moments are and I guess will always be bittersweet for me. Im very much about living in the moment and enjoying life but I do miss him. I always will miss him and I will always love him. Everyday I think about him and wonder what life would have been like. I sometimes still have dreams where he visits me. I love those dreams, although I always hate to wake up. But I guess thats life. I will do my best to live life to the fullest because I know thats what he wanted.
 Thanks again for reading. And if anyone from the  baby shower reads this thank you for coming and sharing this day with our family and making it special for Catherine and Sean. We may fight Cat but youre my baby sister and I love you and I am very excited for all the adventures that me and my niece will have.
     

TAPS Atlanta Widow Retreat

 So this past week I went on another retreat with TAPS. This would be my second one with them and to be completely honest I never expected to get in to this one because I put my name on the wait list like 2 weeks after and I just didn't think I'd ever get off the wait list, but surprise for me I did! I had an amazing time. I found out before going that we would be swimming with whale sharks at the Georgia Aquarium, it was quite beautiful. I love the ocean and was super excited to do this. Now I knew whale sharks were big, I know they could get up to 40 feet big, but to actually be up next to one in person was so intense.

here is a picture of me and the other women in front of the tank with whale sharks. The tank has 63 million gallons of water, 4 whale sharks, a turtle named Tank,a bunch of sting rays, fish and some huge ass manta rays. (One kept doing flips, he was so cute) The size of the whale sharks in the tank range from 16 to 21 feet long. We had an amazing tour guide, seriously he rocked. 

 Usually on these retreats TAPS uses the money they get from donations and fundraisers and whatnot to fund our activities. Georgia aquarium went out of their way and contacted TAPS and donated swims for everyone. Not only the swim but admission in to the aquarium, behind the scenes tour, which included an extra tour that guests don't get to see the water filtration system and in the area where other guests can watch the whale sharks and the visitors swim with them, the put the names of all our husbands up on the screens and kept them there all day. It really was amazing to see. They also do programs for wounded Veterans and discounted admissions for their families. This aquarium kicks ass. If you ever have the chance to go visit please do, everything was so spectacular to look at.

 Here are some pictures of me and the other women in my dive group. We got lucky because we were the smaller group :) 

Our goofy picture 

Our second day of the retreat we visited Stone Mountain. This was also a first for me because I've been hiking but I've never climbed a mountain before. This is obviously my before picture where I am full of hope and optimism. 

 This is me on the very top of the mountain, winded and red faced. BUT I DID IT. I climbed that fucking mountain. Cursing it about halfway up. It was a challenge for me. After the miscarriage and the slump I've been in because of it and Jerry's birthday and our wedding anniversary..if you would have told me in march that I would be climbing a mountain I would have called you crazy. But even though I struggled and got winded and stop to rest some I made it to the top. If there isn't some kind of motivational metaphor in there somewhere well shit I don't know where else you could find one. I was proud of myself. Seriously Proud. Now I didn't make it there first or the fastest, and I got passed by some children ( I desperately tried to steal some of their energy...it didn't work...greedy kids), I made it to the top of Stone Mountain. 

this is about where I had a quarter of the hike left...it also happened to be one of the steepest parts of the whole hike. It was a serious challenge for me and although others may have found it easier than me I still had a sense of pride when I reached the top. NOW the fact that I practically ran my curvy ass inside to get me and ICEE (BTW one of the best marketing ideas out there) Here I am enjoying said ICEE.

 and of course like the adult that I am i mixed all the flavors, blue raspberry, green apple and cherry. DELICIOUS. 

 The third day we did a food tour around Atlanta. There was a lot of history that we went over that I loved and of course some food, which I REALLY love. lol I bought some snacks that I got to taste test along the way. Miss D's popcorn and new orleans treats was absolutely insanely delicious. I definitely bought some with the intention of making it last because I knew it would be a while before I can get some more. But that shit didn't happen. Ive been home 2 days and its almost gone.
       I had such a wonderful time seeing old friends and meeting some new ones. My widow tank is full and I am so grateful for these retreats because they are like a reset button for me. It allows me to open up and talk with other wonderful women who understand and relate to what I have been through. Its so rare to have that shared experience and to be around not just one person but so many I can talk to is something that I really cant put into words. It sucks that there are so many of us but Its nice not to feel alone anymore. To be able to reach out to these women when I need advice or just for someone to listen. I am really looking forward to my next adventure with these ladies.

 I would also like to give a BIG thank you to a wonderful lady and her family who gave me some money for my trip just so I wouldn't have to worry about it and have a good time. I don't want to mention names and make anyone uncomfortable but you know who you are and I can not thank you enough for your generosity and love you have shown me. And you my ladies, thank you all so much for being there for me this week 💜💜

Memorial day thoughts

 Its been about a week since Memorial day and as many of you know I was interviewed by our local newspaper Florida Today. The first memorial day after Jerry passed away was 2012, it was crazy that 4 years later I get a call from the same reporter and the same photographer who wanted to interview me just to see how I was doing and my thoughts on the upcoming memorial day weekend, what it means to me and stuff.  The first picture is me in 2012 visiting Jerry (by Tim Short)  and the second is me this year (taken on my phone). If you ever see sunflowers at his headstone it means I was there, they are my favorite flowers and he used to buy them for me all the time.

 
  this is a picture I sent to one of my Aunts who wanted to see the paper. My first stop was at a 7-11 near my house and I think I bought all but 1 of their papers. When I went to cash out the girl noticed my tattoo and then noticed the picture on the paper and goes "Umm....Is...Is that you??" It was kinda funny. I was like yea thats me and she asked if she could look at the paper really quick and I was like yea sure I have no where to be I'm just going around and buying papers so I can scrapbook them later.
 It was nice to see the photographer and reporter again. They are both wonderful people and so nice and respectful. There is a short video they posted online, my parents were proud of it even though I made my mom cry (Sorry mom lol ). But memorial day isn't just another day for me anymore. My life has changed and so has my perspective on the day. I always knew and respected the day but never gave it the serious deep thought that the day deserved and I apologize for that. Now I have a deeper respect, the reality hits home and its much easier to imagine what the families of those men and women go through when they lose their loved one because I have. I understand the ultimate sacrifice, I live with the effects everyday of my life. I miss Jerry everyday and everyday I think about him and how much happiness he brought into my life and this world...even if he was an ass sometimes. But he was my pain in the ass and I wouldn't trade that for anything. And if you are thinking to yourself "Wow that's really messed up of her to say about her dead husband" well than you didn't know him because Jerry would never wanted to be remembered for anything other than what he was. If you ever listened to him play Call of Duty you'd understand. :)
   It's not easy talking to the newspaper. Reliving what I went through in the beginning. Thinking about all the things he's missing because he isn't here, but it isn't all bad. I do laugh when I talk about something stupid he used to do or how we got our first XBOX, the face he made when we found Zoo our cat and things like that. I like to talk about him to keep his memory alive, he may not be here but telling his stories and helping people the way he used to helps me to remember him. When people ask "why" I just tell them it's what he would have wanted or it's what he would have done.
 So even if memorial day for you isn't as meaningful as it is to someone else's family,take a moment of silence, have a beer or a shot, hug your loved ones for just a minute longer because there are some of us who can't and would give anything to do it again. Jerry's favorite was Jager but it will be a cold day in hell before I drink anymore of that lol sorry babe, but I will have a beer for you.