Widows retreat, Holidays, PTSD and a Baby on the way.....life is interesting..excuse my foul language like usual

 When I had last posted I was on a widows retreat in Palm Coast. I had a wonderful time and met some wonderful ladies. One of which encouraged me to continue writing and was really supportive of my blog and other writing adventures. I encouraged her to start a instagram for her shoes because OMG they are fantastic and I wish I was her. :] But seriously I have shoe envy. The retreat was a lot of fun, it was very different from other retreats I had been to because it was a mixture of Military and Civilian 9/11 widows. The view was incredible and I wish I could wake up every morning and have my coffee on a balcony facing the ocean, but bitch be broke so that wont happen, so I made sure to enjoy every moment of it. Here is a picture of all the beautiful ladies <3 I still need to add most of them on Facebook, i just suck and havent done it lol

 dat view doe

 on the beach :]

But like most retreats I again was the youngest, which sometimes bothers me because the other ladies will talk about their children and half the time I am the same age as them, but that doesn't deter them from treating me like a sister. This time was special too because Athena got to join me while I was there and everyone was super nice and understanding about the fact that I needed my preggo naps and would wake me up when we were about to do an activity which was super sweet because I didnt want to miss out on anything. The only activity I missed out on was Zumba and I was bummed but Athena wasn't having any of that so I sat and enjoyed watching the ladies have a good time. But next my ass is doing some zumba even if I am uncoordinated and will probably fall over. 

The holidays are particularly difficult for anyone who has experienced a loss in their life. Jerry tends to weigh heavily on my mind everyday but during the holidays its much worse. As you know he was killed in October, just weeks before he was scheduled to come home for R&R. He was to spend thanksgiving with us and of course that didn't happen. So thanksgiving is always a little weird for me. I usually get very overwhelmed at the slightest things because PTSD likes to control your actions and thoughts during that time. I do my best to put a smile on my face, but often times need to hide for 10 minutes to cry it out but I wipe the tears away and continue to celebrate with my family and friends. But I know I'm not alone. I am not alone in missing him and not alone in grieving for someone who isn't here anymore. Its always going to suck that hes gone, I know this but I also know that its ok for me to miss him and its ok for me to talk about him and if you have a problem with that, well dont listen because I dont have time for you anyway. People may feel as if were holding on to our husbands and not grieving or not "getting over it" quick enough and to them I say "suck it". Have your spouse die and then tell me its ok to move on and not talk about him. We dont talk about them because were stuck in that moment in time, we talk about them because we love them and want to remember their faces, their mannerisms, and who they were, not because we "cant let go". So poo on you people who dont understand, but know if anything were to happen in your life and you needed me I would still be here for you even if youre an insensitive dick. :]

BABY UPDATE

Athena is doing good, I am officially 25 weeks pregnant and according to my app she is the size of a Prairie dog, yea I dont know my app compares her to weird shit. But shes kicking and moving around so much and its so good to feel her. After the miscarriage I was nervous I would never make it to this point, but every little kick reminds me that shes in there and this is real. Can we level real quick on pregnancy nightmares? Like what the actual fuck? I heard stories about the possibility of  having vivid dreams but no one warned me that I would be fighting off giant monsters and witnessing the world crumble around me in my sleep. More often than not the dreams are terrifying and I wake up panicking (of course depression, anxiety and insomnia from my PTSD are "intensified" as the doctor put it) and cant fall back asleep because you know monsters and shit. Sometimes they are the stupid scary dreams like I'm a mermaid and then I get attacked by sharks and parana or something. With those I usually wake up, slow my breathing, laugh and go back to sleep. But then there are some where I am witnessing people be murdered and I'm like oh this is fantastic and wake up feeling as if I seriously just witnessed them all be taken from me, so like a wierdo I go check on everyone in the house because for some reason it makes me feel better, then I go force my cat to love me for a second (who is currently trying to attack me as I write this) , turn the tv on to some stupid show that will distract my mind and do my best to go back to sleep and hopefully not have anymore crazy ass dreams. I keep telling myself I wont forget them but I always do so I think I am going to write them down, like I said some are funny but others I can do without.

My baby shower is coming up and I am super excited and also nervous because I don't like being the center of attention...ever. Some people are like well you've had birthday parties haven't you? well yes but I'm a twin so I always shared that spot light :] But my bestest friend is planning it with my sister,mom, her mom and her mother in law I believe and I trust them and know they will do an amazing job. I also know they will go overboard because as my bestie keeps reminding me shes had this planned since we were like 13 years old. I love my friends and family, were all crazy and fight sometimes but I wouldn't change them for anything and I couldn't be happier to bring my little girl into this world and into this family. 

I feel the need to give a big shout out to some of my co-workers who despite only knowing me since June have seriously been absolutely amazing to me. They make sure I am not over doing it and there is a couple who I can bitch to about anything and talk about this crazy pregnancy with and just be me around and that is very comforting because I am strange and thats ok because thats me but not everyone can handle my weird self and its just nice to mesh with people. Its also super amazing that they are excited about me having my baby and talk about it constantly and reassure me that I got this and that I will be great. You guys are awesome if any of you happen to read this. <3 

Well I guess thats all for now. Until next time xoxo here are some pictures of my crazy life :]

 right before Halloween with literally the most supporitive man alive. 

  this is what happens on thanksgiving when you play around too much on snapchat. #familygoals

Dressed up and going out

So last night all of us got dressed up and went out for dinner at this little Italian place. The food was outstanding and I ate entirely too much and even managed not to cry every time the waiter asked me if I'd like some wine:] but in all seriousness the food was so good and it was nice to sit around and joke and tell stories with the women and I think that's important. Some ladies showed pictures of their children and their grandchildren, I of course showed off my niece and my boyfriend because everyone wants to know if the baby will have red hair (I hope so).
I was nervous on what to wear which I know sounds silly but I don't dress up often and more times that not will change over and over again before going out. So to eliminate that I brought 2 dresses and that was it for my dressy clothes. I was also nervous about wearing all black around these ladies who seem so bright and colorful but I was complemented and the baby bump worked for my dress.
  While at dinner it was difficult to miss a large group of ladies who are just talking away. Now I'm very observant so I notice almost immediately when someone is staring at me across the room lol. There was an older woman who walked up and asked if we were there for a wedding, to which most of us chuckled because #widowhumor and we politely answered no and gave the run down of why we were all together. The table behind us of course heard and said "all of you?" As they eye balled the table, i lowered my head, not because im ashnaed but because I hate  the all of you question which ill explain in a minute. They said  thank you for your sacrifice and then clapped for us. Now I appreciate when people recognize us and our struggles but to this day will never understand why they clap, but hey I'll take it I guess lol. Now to explain the "all of you" question. It's tough sometimes being the youngest widow at these retreats because when people understand who we are and why we are gathered they usually say "but you're so young" I'm just like yup I guess so or they stare at me trying to figure out exactly how old I really am...here's looking at you older gentleman at the table, I saw you lol. There is no really good response to that I guess so i just go with it lol
  Anyway it's early, Athena is making music tummy growl and I should get my lazy butt out of bed. Until next time 💜

I suck at keeping posted

So I've been meaning to write a post for a while but as you all know and can relate to life has a tendency to get in the way. If you havent heard by now we're having a baby girl :] Athena Makenzie Joellen will be her name and I'm very happy. Work has also been going good I've made some connections with people and it's nice to have some more awesome people in my life.
As of right now I am at a widows retreat with an organization named tuesdays children. It's called heart to heart and it combines 9/11 widows and military widows which I think is amazing because part of the reason jerry joined the army was because of 9/11 so I feel a little connected to them as well on that aspect I guess. Right now I am relaxing because Athena has decided to suck all of the energy out of my body which sucks because I really wanted to do Zumba with the ladies. I did manage to do yoga which I really enjoyed although there were a few ladies who bitched the whole time. I get a little upset when people bitch at these things I understand that not everyone wants to do the activities or the talking about grief part but i personally believe it's important to push yourself. I don't always enjoy reliving the day I found out my husband was killed but you know what I understand the importance of it  and respect and expect it at these type of retreats. Yes they are a little vacation but it's a vacation that you have the opportunity to work on yourself. If you want a vacation go on your own vacation don't waste my widow time. I don't get much widow time so this is important to me and I know I may sound defensive but this is important for me and for my well being and for someone to lessen the meaning of it almost hurts because your spot could have gone to someone who really needed to be here. I don't know. Sorry to rant about it but I needed to get it off of my chest and the woman isn't a bad woman I was just slightly hurt by what she had said.
With that being said I will not let it get in my way of a good healing time and I am determined to make the most out of this. 💜 I look forward to writing more as my next couple days here progresses. As always thank you for reading and much love
Edit: i feel the need to apologize because I understand where she is coming from and I feel terrible for ranting about it because I do understand so no judgment for this lady

Meh...

So this started out as a Facebook post but then I realized how long it was so I put it here.
     For the last couple days I've been sitting thinking about why I've been so mentally blah lately, with the anxiety attacks, depression, and just overall just blah. 2 and a half weeks will be Jerry's anniversary. It hasn't snuck up on me or anything but it's effecting me early I guess. 5 years is a long time and the fact I'm pregnant my emotions are haywire to begin with. Having ptsd had been a tough ride without being pregnant. Of course I overthink everything and lately seems like that is really what's been bothering me I over analyze what people say to me and how they say it. Sometimes it almost seems people think I'm stupid, telling me how to do something that is obvious. I understand I ask a lot of questions but it's because it takes a minute for me to remember or understand. I'm not stupid just have ptsd. I don't know. I may not be 100% but I know my shit. I have common sense. Depression sucks. Ptsd sucks. Being a widow sucks. Lol but it's part of my life. I guess this is the first time since the miscarriage that I've felt this low. I keep replaying things in my head, small mistakes that I can't change...constantly replaying over and over in my head. I can't take my anxiety meds as much as I would love to right now so I'm using lavender oils that a very special person gave me. It's pretty neat it has a braclet that has twine around it that you just put some oil on and it lasts a while although I may look crazy just sniffing my wrist lol but hey people already think I'm crazy so oh well lol its hard living with depression. I know bro is worried because we've talked about it. He's worried my depression will get through best of me when the baby is born. He told me he's worried I'll have one of my days where I can't get out of bed. I still get those days, I'm in bed all day mostly crying or catatonic. I won't speak to anyone and won't eat all day. I tell him not to worry but I'm worried too. I do my best to let this not affect my life but it does and that's the reality of it. Everything ties back to jerry, I miss him I love him and will always love him and it sucks that my mind isn't strong enough sometimes.

Today I became a Titi

    Well today was quite eventful, as the title suggested I became a Titi today and got to hold my niece for the first time. It all started at about 7am when Joe woke me up and said "Have you checked your messages?"..."Um no why?" as I slowly reached for my phone and yawned trying to wake up. Sure enough on the screen showed a message from my sister "Babys coming, dont rush" which immediately sent me into panic mode because unlike my father if you tell me not to worry I am prone to do the exact opposite....every time. Never fails. So I called her of course, with no answer, called my mother who I woke up (If you're reading this...sorry again mom) who was aware that my sister was in labor and then called my sister's boyfriends mother, who is literally one of the sweetest ladies I've ever met. Sure enough she was there and gave me an update and told me again not to worry....fat chance. :)
            I asked my sister if she wanted me there and she said "eh" mostly because they hadn't given her, her  epidural and was in pain and mostly because she didn't care. It isn't a family secret that me and my sister have had a rocky past. I love my sister and would do anything for her but it has taken a long time for me and her to have a healthly relationship and still I often am hesitant to ask to be a part of anything. I always willing to be there and help but I also never want to over step or to intrude or make her feel bad if she didn't want me there. I'm weird but again it's how I am. After dropping off my brother at work I started to drive home. I hadnt left the parking lot yet and my eyes glanced over to the photo button I have of Jerry hanging on my rear view mirror..*que waterworks. I was hit with a wave of emotion. Everything from extremely happy to incredibly sad and lonely. Now my sister and Jerry had a wonderful relationship. He loved her so much and she him. I was happy they had such a wonderful relationship and all I could think about in that moment was that he was gone and missing this. I became sad and angry that he wasn't here, that he was cheated of this amazing moment, how he would have given anything to be there, how much he would have loved to hold his first niece, how he would have spoiled the ever living shit out of this baby because it was my sisters and he loved her so much. I don't think she'll ever know how much he cared for her, but I know and it breaks my heart. And yes I know that he isn't truly ever gone but with us in spirit but you know what I am allowed to be fucking selfish once in a while and wish that it was more than that. I want him here alive and in person. I cried the entire way home. ( I am also crying like a baby right now..I wish I was a cute crier, ever see those women who are beautiful no matter what....yea I can confidently say that I am not at all a cute crier. lol)...I ran inside threw on a bra and a skirt, woke up bro and continued to get ready all while fighting back tears.
       Bro noticed and made me sit on the couch with him while I started to have a full blown panic attack( Thanks again PTSD and hormones). Bro at first couldn't tell why the hell I was crying and hyperventilating,but it didn't take him long to figure it out. "Why you crying?....Jerry?" Ladies and gentleman I cant express to you all enough how incredibly fucking lucky I am. I do not deserve this man. Never did I think that I could sit there and cry and say how much I miss my husband to a man who loves me so much and wants to get old a wrinkly with me, and watch him comfort me and in no way what so ever get jealous, angry or in any way upset that I talk about him.
          Now you may be thinking "Rai, what do you mean,he loves you he should love all of you" I agree and he does but I cant tell you the amount of widow horror stories i've heard about ex's and even when it comes to my ex. Being a widow I cant expect the person I love to be 100% ok with all that its mentally wrong with me when it comes to my past with my husband, but there should always be some sort of understanding between serious new partners and my past. Bro has gone above and beyond when it comes to Jerry. I know I have mentioned it before in previous posts but I know that when I miss Jerry I can talk to Bro about it and he just holds me and listens to my stories and lets me cry it out. I am a lucky bitch..lol Men take note. Just kidding...unless you're a dick and then seriously take note. As widows we cry because we miss them...i'm saying that some people feel as if they're in competition with our husbands and act like we can just run back to them...if that were true I wouldn't be with your ass anyway...just saying lol This is a common topic at my widow meet ups. But I'm getting side tracked.
    So I finish my panic attack jump in the car and head to the hospital. About 4 hours later I got to meet my niece, just like her momma took forever to arrive...just kidding Cat. It was kind of funny because me, Joe, Sean ,Sean's Mother and of course Cat are sitting in the room and the doctor comes in and says I'm just gonna check you. Now at this time I was fighting with Cat's computer trying to turn in her assignment because apparently her teacher is a fucking douche nozzle and doesn't understand child birth. So I'm keeping my head buried in her computer as Joe holds up a pillow to shield his face. Then we hear "Why dont you go a head and push" me and joe look at each other and our faces probably mimicked each others in that they said "UM HOW ABOUT FUCKING NOT WERE STILL HERE" So we waited until they made her pause and Ive never seen my brother run out of a room so quickly. I started making the phone calls to my parents to tell them baby Kairi was on her way and should be here soon.
        I believe about an hour and a half later is when she made her grand entrance. When we were allowed back in after they cleaned everything up, I nervously waited my turn to hold my niece. Of course the grandparents went in before us to give them time, then we joined them. But Sean's Grandma showed up and I could tell she was so excited to hold her so I waited. She damn near made me cry with how excited she was and the fact she started to tear up and again damn hormones have made me into a bitch who cries at everything. lol But it was a sweet moment to witness. Once the crowd started to empty the room and they checked the baby's diaper (thought she pooped and I was gonna wait until they changed her....don't get me wrong I love her but Ill wait lol) My chance finally came and I held her. It has been about 2 years since I've held a newborn.... My little Harley Quinn, who isn't as little anymore( im getting old). So I grabbed her and sat with her on the couch and watched as she tried to eat her hospital blanket. She kept sticking out her tongue and it was absolutely adorable and in that moment even though there was people all talking and surrounding us it felt like it was just me and my little beautiful niece and the thoughts of Jerry came back. I fought the tears trying desperately trying to escape but knew how much he would have loved this baby and where ever he may be I know hes watching her. As a parting gift I gave her Jerrys dog tags. Of course she wont know until she is much older that they were her uncles and that I know for a fact he would have given anything to be there but eventually I will share those stories with her if she is ever interested in knowing. Well now that I am crying again....don't worry mixture of sad and happy...mostly happy I am going to go to bed. And to Catherine and Sean, I am so proud of both of you for what it is worth and you guys are going to be amazing parents I have no doubt about it. And to Kairi, you're less than 24 hours old but you are so loved and I cant wait to see how you grow. And Ive made myself cry more lol Goodnight folks.

Feeling nostalgic

 Life has been pretty calm for me so far, which believe me I am super happy about. I am 12 weeks pregnant and monday I go for another ultrasound which is really cool because we get to see the little baby moving around and stuff. It nice because its a reminder that this is real and that there is a good reason for my nausea :] although I still wish this baby would let me enjoy at least one meal that isn't a pepperoni lunchable not saying that there is something wrong with them, they're fucking delicious and if you think differently we cant be friends.....just kidding....maybe.
  Anyway I've been pretty hormonal..i know...SHOCKER. But with all the hormones I get a little nostalgic (didnt see that coming did you). With Jerry's angelversary coming up and the baby pulling on my heart strings I cant help but think about him and how much I miss him. Dont get me wrong I am happy with where I am given my circumstances, but I will always love him and always miss him. Its a fact and I am very lucky to have a wonderful man who understands that and supports me in all my widow adventures.
  My sister came over the other day and as I was sitting on the couch after a particulary rough day and me just generally missing him, goes "Do you remember the story of when zoo (Mine and Jerry's cat) got covered in clam chowder and ran around your apartment?" We had a good laugh for a few minutes and I've realized I've never really shared many of those goofy stories of us. It was only us in our little apartment, 1000 miles away from our family and friends. So I've decided in the spirit of him I would share one or two.
  So I know what you must be thinking "Why the fuck was the cat covered in clam chowder" well wait no more. It was a rainy day outside and given the fact that Jerry and I were super broke and didnt have a car we decided to stay in that day instead of going out. I asked him repeatedly if he wanted something to eat, he said no so I made myself some of my favorite soup, clam chowder, which was the last can of clam chowder, if I am remembering correctly. So I make my soup and walk my happy ass over to our couch and get ready to watch a movie (one we probably watched a million times because again broke didnt have internet...gasp....or cable ...double gasp....struggle is real folks) I sit down and this mofo tries to eat my soup. So we start yelling at each other (because If you know me you  know I am very protective about my food..I'm a big girl I like to eat) So were yelling and then of course because were adults start throwing shit at each other all while the cat is running around in circles because she has no idea what the hell were doing . Well I have the brilliant idea to throw my pillow at him.......It was like slow motion....as soon as I threw it I saw the mistake I had made....I DIDNT JUDGE THE TRAJECTORY CORRECTLY FOLKS...the corner of the pillow goes right into the bowl of my clam chowder, which then spirals around, throwing soup all over the apartment and all over the cat. I look at the pillow, the bowl and the cat defeated (the cat at this moment is freaking out because shes covered in soup and is running around the apartment climbing on everything that is until she realizes how delicious the soup is and starts to eat it) , while Jerry is laughing so hard I;m sure hes going to piss his pants at any moment. I'm pretty sure I cried while cleaning up the soup because I really wanted that soup lol but Jerry helped me clean it up and he made me a sandwich instead and we watched our movie.
      He always had the best sense of humor, I could never really stay mad at him. Whenever I was he always had a way to make me laugh and just like that I was over it. Thats just how he was really. Ugh hes such an ass and I miss him so much.
  Another story that makes me laugh is when he first bought the game Dead space. Which if you haven't played is a jump scare game. Its based in a space station that has mysteriously gone silent and your character is sent there to investigate. In the game there is dead people just laying about and you hear some kind of creature growling and running around and trying to kill you. So anyway Jerry is playing this game in the living room with all the lights off and I am sitting behind him playing on his phone or reading....I cant remember but I remember laughing because Jerry wasn't one to be scared by a video game, i mean come on our favorite holiday is Halloween and we enjoyed watching horror movies. So hes playing and I see him hit pause and I look up and he takes a deep breath and turns to me and goes "I need to go to the bathroom" I know I had the what the fuck look on my face because hes a fucking adult and just us so I dont understand why hes telling me this.."OK" i say "Go then"
"Babe Im not playing can you come wait by the door" By now Im doubled over laughing because this my husband, a freaking solider in the Army is asking me to guard the bathroom door. He begins to yell at me to stop laughing which makes me laugh harder. I tell him just leave the door open...(*side note he'd pee with the door open but hed never poop with the door open..I had now been with this man for like 6 years and he was still a shy pooper.)  He thought about it and then said ok as long as I would stand where he could see me. So yes ladies and gentleman I stood guard while my 22 year old, Army mortar man husband took a poop because he was afraid of the alien  from a video game. *sigh* that is one of my favorites because I know I cant accurately portray the look of genuine fear he had on his face. I mean he knew he was being crazy and irrational and even though we both knew it I stood guard anyway until he was done and then sat back and watched him play more of the game until he hold me he was scared because his heart was beating so fast he was afraid he'd have a heart attack. Ah good times.
       Well thats all I have right now, I will update more on monday after the ultrasound. Thanks again for reading my ridiculous stories and hopefully they made you laugh just a little.

My Pregnancy so far...

 So I announced yesterday via facebook that I am in fact pregnant. :) I am very excited and very nervous at the same time.  Tomorrow will mark the 10 week point in my pregnancy and its been an experience that's for sure. I do have morning sickness, which more for me is more like all day sickness. I haven't been able to eat much but I am making sure I am at least eating. Bro is very excited as well and he does his best to help me when I am not feeling well or when I am emotionally distraught. It's really difficult to be pregnant with all the hormonal changes and have PTSD on top of it. I am not taking any of the medications, I actually haven't taken them in about a year when tricare messed up my insurance coverage. I wasn't upset to stop the medications because they made me feel not like myself at all. I decided that I would rather feel my sadness rather than nothing at all. But I am straying off topic....Its been a very crazy emotional rollercoaster but I do try to keep positive, but with Jerry's angelversary closely approaching it is getting hard not to have anxiety attacks and to cry at any and everything. I am also extremely paranoid because of the miscarriage. I am constantly checking to make sure that there isn't any blood which is emotionally taxing.
  Early on in this pregnancy....at about 6 weeks, I noticed a small spot of blood. I went immediately to the ER. When I was there they noticed 2 sacs but only one had a heartbeat. So they treated it as a threatened miscarriage. At my 8 week ultrasound ( the first one with my OBGYN) they only saw one sac but they didn't do the more in depth ultrasound....you know the uncomfortable one that makes you feel like a popsicle stick. So I'm not sure whats happening yet. But I have an appointment at the end of the month with another ultrasound so well see what happens then.
      Today I got the opportunity to go to the Airforce base that is located near my town for a introduction to pregnancy briefing....I'm not sure what to call it. It was nice, but the woman who normally runs it was on vacation I guess so her co-organizer put this weeks together and it was like everything that could go wrong did. 1st the computer wouldn't load the oral health specialists presentation, then the nutritionist that was there isnt the normal one who does the presentation and she was really weird but i'll get back to that in a minute and the tricare representative that was supposed to talk to me had to cancel,but I did get a couple free books and some helpful pamphlets so thats a plus. Now back to the nutritionist....*deep breath and try not to rant* (sorry inner voice) Ok so this woman was way to spunky for 830 in the morning. Which was annoying but wasnt the worst part. The worst part went a little like this:
 Her: "How far along are you?"
me: "10 weeks tomorrow"
Her: " Wonderful congratulations. What unit is your husband with here at Patrick?"
Me; " Well my situation is a unique one (Me slightly panicking because I realize that no one at this briefing has looked at my intake paperwork that they made me fill out) My husband is deceased. *Her mouth literally falls open....eyes wide open mouth...if I had popcorn to throw I guarantee you I wouldn't have missed. and now I am extremely uncomfortable because its been a good 30 seconds and this bitches mouth hasn't closed yet....try it right now open your mouth as wide as you can and keep it open for at least 30 seconds.....awkward right? Now do that for 30 seconds WITHOUT breaking eye contact. REALLY awkward*
Me cont'd: Yea.....so...
Her: When did he die?
Me: 5 years ago in October.....
Her: "OH so that means it isn't his? *really?!? you tell me* NOT that I am judging, i just felt really bad because you said you were 10 weeks and if it was his that means he would have just passed away. * not like i didnt catch on to your thinking already.....JUDGE ME FOR WHAT* how did he die? *My FAVORITE question*
Me: He was blown up by and IED in afghanistan. * my tone i think showed I was annoyed by her "not judging me" either that or the 'bitch I will cut you' look on my face did.*
Her: Oh I'm sorry
Me: yea.....
 so yea after that she pretty much stopped talking and played a video for me about nutrition and she said "Joy will be right back to do her presentation.. any questions for me?" I chuckled and said no and because IM TOO NICE SOMETIMES thanked her for her time. -.- like seriously who thanks someone after a conversation like that......oh thats right...ME. what the hell?!?!
     So yea that was my fun encounter at the base today and now I am wondering if I am going to have to explain that over and over again. "Insurance is under my husbands name but its not his baby because he died 5 years ago" Its frustrating. Because they do always ask what the relationship with the sponsor is....then where he is....... But its just one of those widow problems.
     Well there is my update....of course I will post more I'm sure because without any medication to help with my anxiety and PTSD writing is the only way I can really express everything and calm myself down. So until next time.

BUSY BUSY BUSY

So sorry I haven't posted lately...I'm terrible I know. But I've been so busy, but in a good way. After my widows retreat in Atlanta I came home feeling happy and my spirit rejuvenated. Since then I started working about 20-30 hours a week, but I love it. I have some really good days and of course there are some bad ones. But its ok because usually everyone is nice its just we get really busy and it can be overwhelming.
     Tonight was also my sister's baby shower. It was fun decorating for it because she chose the theme....Nightmare before Christmas, which hands down is one of my favorite movies. I cooked baked ziti which everyone seemed to enjoy and I also got to see some ladies from my old job that I have missed talking to. Overall I think it went ok. It's overwhelming sometimes though. Having PTSD and trying to be a good  host and not freak out because there is a lot of people. Even though no one is bothering me or going crazy in my house, the fact that there are people there gets me overwhelmed sometimes. But I really enjoy planning these things for family and friends which is why I do it. Its almost like I'm being torn into two. One side of me is thrilled and the other is freaking out. It so difficult to explain. But as long as everyone had a decent time I'm happy.
  I have so many exciting things coming up but it isnt time to tell everyone yet...sorry. lol I don't want to jinx it...but soon I promise.
       Lately I have been very stressed and overwhelmed, my PTSD has been literally driving me crazy. I am either a complete bitch or my anxiety is through the roof. It really  is awful and I was thinking to myself I dont know why its been so bad lately....and as I was writing this last paragraph it hit me. Jerry's angelversary is in 2 months and in the back of my mind I keep thinking of all the things he isnt here for. Dont get me wrong, I love my life right now, but I really wish that he was here sometimes. I think about how much he would have loved to see what everyone has been up to. Especially my sister, Catherine having her baby. I know he would have loved to see his first niece be born and grow up, all the things he would have loved to teach her and all the moments he would have hated to miss. Happy moments are and I guess will always be bittersweet for me. Im very much about living in the moment and enjoying life but I do miss him. I always will miss him and I will always love him. Everyday I think about him and wonder what life would have been like. I sometimes still have dreams where he visits me. I love those dreams, although I always hate to wake up. But I guess thats life. I will do my best to live life to the fullest because I know thats what he wanted.
 Thanks again for reading. And if anyone from the  baby shower reads this thank you for coming and sharing this day with our family and making it special for Catherine and Sean. We may fight Cat but youre my baby sister and I love you and I am very excited for all the adventures that me and my niece will have.
     

TAPS Atlanta Widow Retreat

 So this past week I went on another retreat with TAPS. This would be my second one with them and to be completely honest I never expected to get in to this one because I put my name on the wait list like 2 weeks after and I just didn't think I'd ever get off the wait list, but surprise for me I did! I had an amazing time. I found out before going that we would be swimming with whale sharks at the Georgia Aquarium, it was quite beautiful. I love the ocean and was super excited to do this. Now I knew whale sharks were big, I know they could get up to 40 feet big, but to actually be up next to one in person was so intense.

here is a picture of me and the other women in front of the tank with whale sharks. The tank has 63 million gallons of water, 4 whale sharks, a turtle named Tank,a bunch of sting rays, fish and some huge ass manta rays. (One kept doing flips, he was so cute) The size of the whale sharks in the tank range from 16 to 21 feet long. We had an amazing tour guide, seriously he rocked. 

 Usually on these retreats TAPS uses the money they get from donations and fundraisers and whatnot to fund our activities. Georgia aquarium went out of their way and contacted TAPS and donated swims for everyone. Not only the swim but admission in to the aquarium, behind the scenes tour, which included an extra tour that guests don't get to see the water filtration system and in the area where other guests can watch the whale sharks and the visitors swim with them, the put the names of all our husbands up on the screens and kept them there all day. It really was amazing to see. They also do programs for wounded Veterans and discounted admissions for their families. This aquarium kicks ass. If you ever have the chance to go visit please do, everything was so spectacular to look at.

 Here are some pictures of me and the other women in my dive group. We got lucky because we were the smaller group :) 

Our goofy picture 

Our second day of the retreat we visited Stone Mountain. This was also a first for me because I've been hiking but I've never climbed a mountain before. This is obviously my before picture where I am full of hope and optimism. 

 This is me on the very top of the mountain, winded and red faced. BUT I DID IT. I climbed that fucking mountain. Cursing it about halfway up. It was a challenge for me. After the miscarriage and the slump I've been in because of it and Jerry's birthday and our wedding anniversary..if you would have told me in march that I would be climbing a mountain I would have called you crazy. But even though I struggled and got winded and stop to rest some I made it to the top. If there isn't some kind of motivational metaphor in there somewhere well shit I don't know where else you could find one. I was proud of myself. Seriously Proud. Now I didn't make it there first or the fastest, and I got passed by some children ( I desperately tried to steal some of their energy...it didn't work...greedy kids), I made it to the top of Stone Mountain. 

this is about where I had a quarter of the hike left...it also happened to be one of the steepest parts of the whole hike. It was a serious challenge for me and although others may have found it easier than me I still had a sense of pride when I reached the top. NOW the fact that I practically ran my curvy ass inside to get me and ICEE (BTW one of the best marketing ideas out there) Here I am enjoying said ICEE.

 and of course like the adult that I am i mixed all the flavors, blue raspberry, green apple and cherry. DELICIOUS. 

 The third day we did a food tour around Atlanta. There was a lot of history that we went over that I loved and of course some food, which I REALLY love. lol I bought some snacks that I got to taste test along the way. Miss D's popcorn and new orleans treats was absolutely insanely delicious. I definitely bought some with the intention of making it last because I knew it would be a while before I can get some more. But that shit didn't happen. Ive been home 2 days and its almost gone.
       I had such a wonderful time seeing old friends and meeting some new ones. My widow tank is full and I am so grateful for these retreats because they are like a reset button for me. It allows me to open up and talk with other wonderful women who understand and relate to what I have been through. Its so rare to have that shared experience and to be around not just one person but so many I can talk to is something that I really cant put into words. It sucks that there are so many of us but Its nice not to feel alone anymore. To be able to reach out to these women when I need advice or just for someone to listen. I am really looking forward to my next adventure with these ladies.

 I would also like to give a BIG thank you to a wonderful lady and her family who gave me some money for my trip just so I wouldn't have to worry about it and have a good time. I don't want to mention names and make anyone uncomfortable but you know who you are and I can not thank you enough for your generosity and love you have shown me. And you my ladies, thank you all so much for being there for me this week 💜💜

Memorial day thoughts

 Its been about a week since Memorial day and as many of you know I was interviewed by our local newspaper Florida Today. The first memorial day after Jerry passed away was 2012, it was crazy that 4 years later I get a call from the same reporter and the same photographer who wanted to interview me just to see how I was doing and my thoughts on the upcoming memorial day weekend, what it means to me and stuff.  The first picture is me in 2012 visiting Jerry (by Tim Short)  and the second is me this year (taken on my phone). If you ever see sunflowers at his headstone it means I was there, they are my favorite flowers and he used to buy them for me all the time.

 
  this is a picture I sent to one of my Aunts who wanted to see the paper. My first stop was at a 7-11 near my house and I think I bought all but 1 of their papers. When I went to cash out the girl noticed my tattoo and then noticed the picture on the paper and goes "Umm....Is...Is that you??" It was kinda funny. I was like yea thats me and she asked if she could look at the paper really quick and I was like yea sure I have no where to be I'm just going around and buying papers so I can scrapbook them later.
 It was nice to see the photographer and reporter again. They are both wonderful people and so nice and respectful. There is a short video they posted online, my parents were proud of it even though I made my mom cry (Sorry mom lol ). But memorial day isn't just another day for me anymore. My life has changed and so has my perspective on the day. I always knew and respected the day but never gave it the serious deep thought that the day deserved and I apologize for that. Now I have a deeper respect, the reality hits home and its much easier to imagine what the families of those men and women go through when they lose their loved one because I have. I understand the ultimate sacrifice, I live with the effects everyday of my life. I miss Jerry everyday and everyday I think about him and how much happiness he brought into my life and this world...even if he was an ass sometimes. But he was my pain in the ass and I wouldn't trade that for anything. And if you are thinking to yourself "Wow that's really messed up of her to say about her dead husband" well than you didn't know him because Jerry would never wanted to be remembered for anything other than what he was. If you ever listened to him play Call of Duty you'd understand. :)
   It's not easy talking to the newspaper. Reliving what I went through in the beginning. Thinking about all the things he's missing because he isn't here, but it isn't all bad. I do laugh when I talk about something stupid he used to do or how we got our first XBOX, the face he made when we found Zoo our cat and things like that. I like to talk about him to keep his memory alive, he may not be here but telling his stories and helping people the way he used to helps me to remember him. When people ask "why" I just tell them it's what he would have wanted or it's what he would have done.
 So even if memorial day for you isn't as meaningful as it is to someone else's family,take a moment of silence, have a beer or a shot, hug your loved ones for just a minute longer because there are some of us who can't and would give anything to do it again. Jerry's favorite was Jager but it will be a cold day in hell before I drink anymore of that lol sorry babe, but I will have a beer for you.

With all the bad there is some good.

 So in my last post I kind of touched on some positives happening in my life but didn't get the chance to really go into it. So I will really quick.

1.  I got to go to Megacon in Orlando which I had so much fun :)
2. At megacon I got to take a photo with Stan Lee. This is very important to me because Jerry always wanted to meet him and didn't get the chance to. So I took his favorite picture and asked him to hold it in our picture. I of course cried like a little baby. Stan Lee was so nice and he couldn't have been sweeter. It was truly awesome and I hope that Jerry is proud of me. 
3. Also at Megacon after my very emotional meeting with Stan Lee my wonderful boyfriend decided to ask me to marry him, to which I replied yes of course. It was super sweet and I was already an emotional wreck so why not cry some more. lol
4.  New job which is not retail and couldnt be more excited. So nice to get out of there and start a new adventure.
5. I got interviewed for Florida today for Memorial day. You can check it out on their website. I also bought a few papers as well because one day it will be nice to show my kids and grandkids. I will scrapbook them with the rest. 
6.  Bro and I are gonna start trying for a baby again so everyone keep your fingers crossed for us xoxoxox
    me and shane.. shes the assassin and i am pyramid head 
   
   
    our picture with Stan Lee and me wearing half of my dr doom cosplay

Rolling with the punches

 Well since I last wrote (which I had to go back and look at because I forgot what I wrote about besides the miscarriage...thank you PTSD) I discussed my miscarriage and that was pretty much it. But since then I went to a widows retreat with American Widow Project ( an awesome organization which you should check out) in Destin Florida, had what would have been Jerry's 28th birthday pass, attended a gender reveal party for my baby sister and finally in my shit show of life got some good news.
     We'll start with the widows retreat. This was my first widows retreat with AWP and after finding out I did in fact have a miscarriage I decided I was still going to go anyway, I needed to be around other women who could at least help me with dealing with the wonderful gift of being a widow and at least be able to talk some of out. I drove to Lakeland with my boyfriend, Joseph or Bro as we all call him. From Lakeland I drove by myself to Destin, which was about a  6 hour drive. It was nice because for some reason my GPS decided to take me the scenic route which is nice because if you are familiar with Florida I would have had to take I4 which is ALWAYS a nightmare. So it was kind of nice driving the back roads, I even got to drive by a farm that had a few baby goats playing and it was so freaking adorable. But the drive gave me time to think, I was able to roll the windows down and listen to my music and just escape for awhile.

     I was meeting a widow because we were going to car pool because parking at the place we are staying had limited parking so I agreed to meet and car pool with a widow who was recently widowed, 5 months at the time if I'm not mistaken. I was anxious, like usual...no surprise there. I find that at my widow retreats or seminars for survivors that I go to it is the only time I would and will ever get in the car with or pick up perfect strangers. Like seriously...I met this woman in a remote location and let her and another widow she met up with in my car where we drove another 40 minutes or so to the retreat, she could have been a serial killer lol and this isn't the first time I've done this at a retreat. I've watched enough horror movies to know better but I digress. (actually I believe we spoke about this in the car on the way lmao) We got there and the place was gorgeous. 3 story little vacation home and I was placed on the 3rd floor in a room with a bunk bed. It was such a nice place though. We all introduced ourselves and had some pizza and salad and waited for a reporter to show up. The community was very aware and very welcoming to us. After that we all went upstairs and talked about our husbands, how long we were together, their branch, how they died. We also talked about what we hoped to get out of the weekend. I forgot to mention that this group only consisted of about 10 of us so it was really small group which was different from TAPS which had like 30 women. But I had a wonderful time talking with all these ladies and hanging out. When the weekend was over I really didn't want to leave lol theres a type of connection you make with these women and its so instant and so strong. It's like being different and people around you understand but they cant completely grasp it and then finding a group of people who understand exactly how you feel, down to the most intimate thoughts. This retreat was a little difficult for me because of everything that happened before the retreat. But it was nice to get away for a few days.
     Jerrys birthday came and went. He would have been 28. Birthdays are always hard for me because he isnt here to celebrate them anymore. Then of course my Wedding anniversary was last month as well. Thats a lot harder than the birthdays in a sense because everyone remembers Jerrys Birthday but I am really the only one who remembers and celebrates our anniversary. It sucks. But there isnt much that I can really do. I hate this time of year because its just a constant reminder that he isnt here.
 My sister is having a girl!! on a more positive note. Kairi Elizabeth. I'm excited to be an aunt. The party was very nice, her boyfriends Mom threw the party for them and they are wonderful people, funny too which is a nice relief since our family has a fucked up sense of humor and you really need to be able to joke to be around us...like for real we are not normal. lol. But it was awesome and I took some awesome photos of them. Here is one I edited for them.

But all in all it was a fantastic party with amazing food because DAMN  can she cook. I also recently attended a craw fish dinner they had to celebrate his mother passing her doctorate I believe. First time having craw fish and they were good. 

And now I will be leaving retail which I am so happy about. I am so tired of being yelled at over fucking coupons.. BTW if you are one of those people who yell at the cashiers because your fucking coupon doesn't work because you don't know how to read a fucking expiration date or some other reason fuck you. Like seriously. And a little side note...if the coupon doesn't work and your not an asshole cashiers are more likely to try and help you get a better deal. Because when people are nice to me I try and help them out I will ask a manager hey can we help them out someway and usually I can do something but if you come up to me guns blazing and acting like I have personally wronged you by not letting you use a coupon that expired like 6 months ago than screw you I hope you get 3 flat tires on the way to where ever you are going like One day I hope that I see you at your job when you're having a shit day and I hope you remember me and think to yourself "OH shit I was really mean to that girl" and then I am going to ask for your manager and whisper some thing to him/her that makes you nervous and go crazy thinking about what was said. But in reality I didn't say anything about you I just wanted to make you sweat....anyway now that, that crazy rant is over....I should really find a hobby...lol sorry about that. But back to where I was originally headed with this I am getting a new job. I will be working with animals and I am super excited about it. Also very nervous because I have a big heart when It comes to animals and when I have to put one to sleep I am gonna lose it. Thankfully they only do that when it is medically necessary. I am very excited though especially because my current boss is a misogynistic asshole. Retaliation is such a huge issue within the work place and when something is mentioned you either get in more trouble or no one does anything because they are afraid of it either getting worse or wasting their breath. Many people have already complained or written to corporate but I doubt any good will come of it. We had employee opinion things that are supposed to be anonymous but i doubt it. Anyway I wrote out whole thing and sent it in. I was honest with the questions they asked so I can only hope that for the other employees it gets better. 

       The last thing I will talk about is that in 10 days I will be  driving up to Atlanta on another widow retreat this time with TAPS. Im so happy and grateful to be able to go to 2 retreats so close together, I really do need it though because things have been stressful and I just need some time with people who can understand.  

       Oh and I was also interviewed on Florida Today to talk about memorial day and whatnot which was awesome but I will talk more about that next time. 

When life gives you lemons....and then jams them into your eyes...Trigger warning Adult language and content.

 Well if you follow my blog which I don't post a lot in...(sorry)... it isn't unknown that I am a widow. I am now 25 about to be 26 and it just seems like life has a few more fuck yous left in them just for me. About 6 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. I was ecstatic and so was my boyfriend. I was particularly exited because my sister is also pregnant (much farther than me) and we decided to tell my parents at the same time and all was awesome. As you have probably figured out by my use of past tense...I miscarried. I just got it confirmed today at the doctors when the ultrasound tech said "I don't see anything I'm sorry". I still cried. Even though I started bleeding 2 weeks ago and mentally prepared myself for the news, told family and friends (who knew) that i was more than likely miscarrying and cried for my baby (yes i realize the baby was still the size of a blueberry and therefore not technically a baby because there was never a heartbeat...but it was still a part of me) i was still unprepared for the news. It sucks. IT REALLY FUCKING SUCKS. I know i can try again. i know that it wasn't any one's fault. I understand that these things happen. BUT WHY DO THEY CONSTANTLY HAPPEN TO ME? just curious. I feel as though life was like "I know i took your husband...but what else can i do to screw up your already screwy mental state?" I'm not resentful, I'm just sad. I have a great support system and they're wonderful but nothing is gonna make me feel better right now and i realize that, that is OK. I am allowed to be not OK (thank you TAPS and my widow retreats) i know this and no one expects me to be OK. But I feel like I need me to be OK.
 Last night I couldn't sleep at all. I stayed up all night thinking about how today was going to go. honestly dreading the news I knew I would be receiving. And what no one really tells you is what happens when your body decides to have a miscarriage. For example in the movies its always a woman woken up in her sleep in pain, she removes the blanket and BAM blood everywhere like in the shinning. (OK I'm exaggerating but you get it). For me it was something so small. i went out had a wonderful day came home, went potty and there on the tissue like pink spot. I started to immediately panic and went to the hospital where they told me sorry to early to tell. So of course I did the worse thing someone can do and WENT TO THE INTERNET OF COURSE. So i read that i could be A) be having a miscarriage of B) just normal prego bleeding. and then after a few days of me trying not to stress the bleeding got worse and so did the cramps. I mean i have had some terrible period cramps before and that is what these felt like so back to the ER (I was not home by the way and ended up in some silent hill looking fucking hospital..not kidding wish i would have saved the pictures from snapchat..creepiest hospital..hands down. But anyway doctor says yup looks like a miscarriage and i was grateful for how blunt he was because at that point all the nurses were telling me not to stress its normal but my instincts told me otherwise and I was glad he didn't bullshit me about it.  What no one tells you is that a miscarriage can take up to 3 weeks to happen. Mine lasted 2 weeks. Why is it that no one talks about miscarriages....I feel like during sex ed people should be a little more educated on the facts.....yes it sucks and yes its awful to talk about but this isn't one of those don't talk about it and it doesn't happen kind of deals. like what the fuck. Now not only am i a young widow (hate that word) but now i get to add a miscarriage on top of that..ugh life.And because I cried about the miscarriage I'm thinking about Jerry again and how much I miss him and how it isn't fair that hes not here and all the wonderful thoughts that come with losing your husband.I feel cheated and i am hurt. that's that.  Now all there is to do is hold my head up high....move forward and have a glass of wine (cough...bottle..cough) before i try again. But damn does it feel good to vent.