There was an article someone shared on Facecbook called I will always talk about my husband as if he were alive..or at least something like that. I screenshot part of it that really stuck out. It reads "But I hate the way that people look at me when I talk about you, like they find a way to change the subject, like the pain is still too fresh in my mind, like its dangerous for me to speak your name". This shit hit home. It happens to me all the time. I love sharing stories of Jerry. If you know me, than you know that. But it happens all the time, I will begin to talk about him and people will change the subject. It hurts. I miss him and I want to talk about the stupid shit we used to do. The time we got lost driving around post and swore we were gonna get arrested, or the time in high school when he got the cops called on him for playing Call of Duty. But I cant always share these stories with people because the minute I utter his name you can see the bugs crawling under their skin. For example at work the other day a co-worker had recently got a tattoo and we were discussing future plans for more tattoos. She mentioned getting her daughters handwriting so I showed her that I had Jerry's handwriting on my tattoo. I copied where he wrote I love you and made sure it was on me. She pointed out that she never really got a good look at my piece so I showed her and she asked some questions which doesn't bother me at all but I noticed the other people in the room becoming very uncomfortable. I ignored it and left after our conversation to go do a room, came back a few moments later to hushed voices. You ever walk into a room full of people and sense they were saying something they didn't want you to hear. Its a sense that, although may not be bad, they just didn't want to say it with you present. That is what I felt. Their eyes all avoided me. I get it, people feel bad because of what happened to me. It sucks I know. Death sucks. But ignoring it doesn't make it go away. I adore the people I work with (most anyway) and maybe the hushed tones had nothing to do with me, maybe it was for someone else. But I just had that punched in the gut feeling, when eye contact was avoided and everyone (who lets be honest is usually a rowdy bunch) suddenly fell silent. Not talking about Jerry doesn't mean he is going to go away. Not talking about a loved one who is gone is not going to make it hurt less. Treating me differently will though. Trust me when I say people who are grieving know. Now do we want you to be like "LETS TALK ABOUT YOUR DEAD HUSBAND TELL ME ALL THE DETAILS"...no we just want someone to listen. Someone to listen without feeling sorry for us. Do I speak for everyone? of course not, but I do know some people who would agree. I dont blame them though, death makes people uncomfortable.
Now on to a lighter subject. Mother's day. This is my first mother's day as a mom. Pretty exciting. I decided to cook dinner for the family and a good mom friend of mine as well. Hopefully it goes well. I don't feel any different being a mom, except the fact that I need to watch her sleep because I am paranoid...cant help it. I like being a mom, not completely in love with it. That part kind of makes me feel like a shithead. Don't get me wrong I love peanut, she's my world. When she smiles it melts my heart. I just feel like she doesn't like me all that much lol. I know it sounds kind of strange or maybe it doesn't but to me it seems like she cries more when its just me and her or she'll scream louder or it takes me longer than anyone else to calm her down. I feel like I am supposed to have this awesome mom super power where I can instantly know how to calm my demon summoning screaming infant, but I don't. Like my eye liner (when I feel feisty) I wing it. I have no fucking clue what I am doing really. But she's fed, she's loved and she has a clean diaper....so I can't be doing that bad. Anyway super excited about tomorrow even though today was kind of shitty...nothing like arguing with your man about stupid shit. I know its because we're both stubborn (and mostly because he's a stupid jerk) but eventually my day will get better. If it doesn't the good news is there is only about an hour left before it is a new day. I love him but I do want to strangle him sometimes but I think that is true love. Having the ability and capability to strangle someone, but not doing it because you know you wouldn't want to live without him. *sigh* men. I would say I'd date women but I tried that and it didn't work too well for me LMAO Don't worry ladies I don't judge all of you based on one crazy bad apple. ;)
Anyway all I can do is try and smile, knowing in heart I am trying to be the best fucking me I can. I am not perfect but I am not too bad of a fuck up either. You know what they say, Those who hurt the most, often smile the most and try their hardest to make those around them smile because they have been there in the sadness, in the darkness alone and would never want anyone else to feel that way....or something like that lol. Good night everyone and Happy Mother's day to all the human baby moms and the fur baby ones too.
Happy anniversary Pooh bear. I love you and miss you more each day. 
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