Life with all its craziness

 So I am officially back to work now. So far it has been good I missed just bullshitting with adults. lol I am learning how to be a tech in the back and I really do enjoy it..except when I have to stick my fingers in a dogs ass but hey you take the good with the bad.
 At this point in my life I solely run off of caffeine..mostly coffee. So if you are ever thinking to yourself "I should get Rai something because she is the most amazing person ever!" get me coffee or give me money to get coffee. I LOVE COFFEE. just saying. Peanut has been doing really good with Bro when I am at work. With the exception of today when I had to rush home because she isn't feeling well and because of my anxiety I completely over reacted and I feel awful because I left work early to go home to make sure is ok and doesn't need to go to the doctor. YAY PANIC ATTACKS! I have been doing ok with dealing with my PTSD (and all that it entails) and Peanut. It hasnt been easy and i often feel really bad because it is like Bro has to take care of both me and peanut. There have been a few times I will be holding her and shes crying and Im crying and nothing I do will sothe her. That is usually when he comes to my rescue and I either feel better after a few minutes or feel like a complete failure as a mother. But he assures me that its ok and we are a team  and that I am doing the best I can. Which is what I really need to hear sometimes because fuck its depressing lol Also does not help that tomorrow would have been Jerry's 29th birthday...so there's that. When I was talking with my manager discussing when I would be able to return to work I told her I could this week as long as I had tomorrow off and she was nice enough to understand why and give me tomorrow off. I am nervous about how tomorrow will go seeing as I now am super sensitive because of hormones, started my period and still trying to adjust to peanut. But I have Bro who is an amazing dad. Its so natural to him and for me its the opposite. I have no idea what I am doing most of the time and just pray when she cries it isn't something that cant be fixed with a bottle, diaper, burp or cuddles. Shes so relaxed with him too, its cute they sleep together...which I have started to get more with. I will nap with her but not for to long because I am afraid I will smush her. No co sleeping for me and that is ok because I already have both dogs that will not leave my side ever. and sometimes my fat kitty who currently is trying to sit on my laptop.
 I am really looking forward to July this year because I got accepted to go to Minnesota for about 4 days to be with other military widows. I've never been that far and apparently the place is super beautiful. I really need it because right now my widow tank is running on fumes. I was super close to having a breakdown at work. This time of year is always difficult because april is his birthday and may is our wedding anniversary so its back to back. Plus i am back at work, have a newborn, and am trying to advance at work.
 I like learning how to be a tech at work but I also feel really dumb and in the way because I don't know the terms yet or what certain diagnoses means. Also everyone has been doing this for so long that it is second nature and I feel as if I am slowing them down. I have gotten attitude from one on my first day back and it took everything I had not to say something to her but I just held my tongue and went about my day learning with my other co worker who is awesome. There are a few there that I tend to gravitate more to because I feel like I annoy them less and that they don't mind showing me the ropes. Speaking of work I somehow managed to work an entire day with Peanuts pacifier in my bra. How you ask? well let me tell you. You see when I woke her up to feed her this morning I put her bink in my bra because when you have big boobs wearing a sports bra allows you to have a purse on your chest. So I put it in there so I wouldn't loose it...(irony) Well when I was done feeding her (in my defense it was like 6am) I couldn't find it and pretty much thought it just fell into the couch never to be seen again (or until bro cleans under there) shrugged my shoulders and grabbed the other one from the sink never to think about the missing one again. Now I pumped at work, but in my car so i didn't really undo my bra like I normally would. When I came home I took off my bra to put on my ghetto makeshift hands free pumping bra ( I made one out a sports bra *Thanks Brittany* because get real I don't even spend 40 dollars on cute bras that aren't for pumping or breast feeding why the fuck am I going to spend it on a bra with 2 holes in it. Hence why I made my own) and boom bright green pacifier. I look over to Bro and ask "does she have a bink"
Bro: "yes why"
Me: "which one did you use all day" hoping that i really didn't work all day with a damn pacifier in my bra
Bro: " the blue one why" At this point I hold up the binkie, "that's been in your bra all day hasn't it?"
I just nod and start to laugh. #bigboobproblems I guess. Either that or someone thought I deserved to laugh today.
 Well I guess that is all for today Here are some cute pictures of my kid for reference. Like always let me know if you have questions or feel free to comment..I am obviously not shy about anything and cant really be offended....Im pretty sure I am immune.

 
 
 

 I mean come on look at that face. 

Good baby, my keurig hates me, widow things and wasted liquid gold

 My little peanut is a month old :) Its so nice knowing that I've managed to keep her alive this long without anything happening (I'm actually going out with my bestie today to celebrate,..so its a big deal). She is quite the amazing baby though. I really cant complain too much. I am jealous of her life though...eat, sleep, and poop...and someone cleans and feeds you what a magical life. #jealous. She did a newborn photo shoot courtesy of Brittany (whose all around amazing) who bought us a gift certificate for it. Check my cute ass baby out. <3 And a big thank you to Violet Joy Photography for these AMAZING pictures.

 

 
 
UGH LIKE I CANT HANDLE HOW ADORABLE SHE IS! I look at these when I get overwhelmed to remind myself how much I love her lol Is that bad to admit? probably. But she is doing fantastic, doctor says she is healthy which is what really matters. There was a little bit of a health scare in the beginning because they were worried about her soft spot. It was very small and of course they didn't tell me what that means so what did I do? something I know better to do....I turned to Dr. Google. WHY WOULD I DO THAT TO MYSELF?? Don't ever google anything health related. Its all terrifying. But no need to worry now. At her last check up they said she is growing just fine.
     So I have been up since 4am which isn't a big deal for  me because its usually when I wake up anyway. However it usually isn't a problem because I have coffee. Sweet, reliable, loving coffee. This morning my Keurig decided it wanted to clog up and not brew. fuck you Keurig, withholding my delicious nectar of the Gods. Took me a few minutes and a lot of cursing to fix it. But I got whats mine. (Give me a break I'm sleep deprived). I think every new mom should receive a free coffee pot and a  3 month supply of coffee. And you may be thinking "But I don't like coffee" well you need to re-evaluate your life choices, like seriously sit down and think about why you're so wrong. Coffee=life. Of course I am kidding...you're not wrong just weird.
       So on to widow things, I will be going to a retreat in Minnesota in July. Its just for a few days but I am super nervous to be away from Peanut but I trust Bro. He is great with her and its so sweet to see him read to her and nap with her. Melts my cold dead heart. I recently started following this woman on facebook, who is a military widow and she is funny as hell. Her name is Michelle Miller, she has written a book and she post some seriously funny (and sad, but ACCURATE) feelings and stories about being a widow, One of my favorite things she posts about is "How to talk to a widow without making an ass of yourself" tips. #603 for example is " Don't say: Ill PRAY for you Do say: Ill PAY for you......and then take her shoe shopping." She is vulgar and honest and I aspire to be her. I was reading something she posted the other day that had to deal with grief sex that totally opened my eyes to something I've noticed. She talks about how when you're husband dies there are 2 types of people. Type 1: The widow who has no interest in ever having sex with anyone other than there husbands and type 2: The wild widow. She compares it to grief eating. You either don't eat anything when you're upset or you stuff your face. But there is a stigma on both....I should know. (MOM LOOK AWAY I'M GOING TO TALK ABOUT MY SEX LIFE AND DONT WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD CONVERSATIONS ABOUT IT LATER WITH YOU....LOVE YOU MOMMY) When Jerry died I did wait a while before "jumping in the saddle" with someone. I did know them which I guess is better than random Tinder hook ups...although tinder wasn't around when Jerry died so who knows. But anyway I got really dirty nasty looks when people found out I was having an "active" social life again, But the sex took my mind off what I was feeling. I was able to disconnect from my shitty reality for a while (or not depending on who I was with....that was mean lol cant help myself). But when others found this out I was treated like a whore (EVEN THOUGH most of the people at his funeral, for fucks sake, would remind me of how young i was and how I shouldn't worry because I would find someone else.....like seriously DONT EVER SAY THAT TO SOMEONE WHOSE HUSBAND JUST DIED,)and acted like I was cheating on Jerry. But he was dead....wasn't like he was away on a business trip and expected to return...he was dead and can you cheat on someone who is dead? Now here's the fucked up thing, I did feel like I was cheating on him and I would go home and cry and drink my sorrows away. I would literally sit in my parents bathroom with a picture of him and cry and say sorry. I felt awful afterward because while I was able to escape life for a brief time, the realization would always come back and hit me like a semi truck. But on the other side of the spectrum, if I didn't date anyone people would be concerned (there was a brief time I was single and not mingling) I would get told that I needed to go out and meet people. I guess they were concerned I would become a hermit or something...adopt 100 cats and name them all Jerry in his memory (Cat remember that conversation?? LMAO....Long running joke between me and my sister)  So in short being a widow with a sex life is a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. But remember just because I'm with someone else doesn't mean I don't miss him every day of my life and love him any less. He is and will always be a part of me and if you don't like it well, you know where the door is. (MOM ITS SAFE TO CONTINUE READING)
        On to a breast feeding story some of you moms might be able to relate to. So since Peanut is currently sleeping and my tatas were quite full (trying to boost my supply so I'm taking supplements) I decided to pump. So what I usually do is pump 20 min each side. No biggie I usually read articles on my phone, watch YouTube videos or just sit there trying to make light of the fact I feel like a moo cow hooked up to those automatic milking machines. So anyway 40 minutes later I am all done pumping, happy with my results I walk over to the sink to wash my pump and but the liquid  gold in the fridge for my baby to enjoy later. As I finish washing everything I turn around to put a lid on the bottle (You probably see where this is going) I HIT IT WITH MY ELBOW. Knocks over the bottle all over me and the counter. So I stand there staring at the aftermath of my poor decision making skills (WHY COULDN'T I JUST PUT THE MILK AWAY FIRST...because that would make sense) covered my boob milk, fighting back tears. So its been a pretty good morning. After the initial shock i kind of just laughed it off, changed my clothes and cleaned up my mess. It can always be worse.
 As always thank you for reading, if you have any questions or comments please don't hesitate to let me know I am always happy to answer anything. Much love.

and when the depression hits, it hits hard. (Adult Language...like always)

Let me start off by saying yes I am depressed, yes it is probably a combo of Postpartum and my PTSD, no I am not a harm to myself or others and no you don't have to worry, I am just depressed. Its hard to express any other feelings besides happiness when you're a new mom and I think that is mostly because if you admit to being anything other than happy (or tired) people become concerned. "Oh shes depressed, hopefully she is taking care of the baby". It is like as soon as you admit that you're depressed your ability to be a good mother in brought into question. I am a good mom (I at least think so) and yea if I didn't have depression on top of my PTSD I'd probably be an amazing mom but ya know what it doesn't go away (I've tried...many times) and its just something I have to learn to cope with. My depression makes me more tired, less interested and a lot more irritable. Granted when I snap because of things I at least am justified in being irritated just not to the extent that my mental illness takes it. I was very concerned when I decided to write this because mental illness is already a taboo subject among many people and then when you add postpartum to it (another thing no one ever talks about) I didn't want someone to question me or my ability to function (I've worked really hard to be a high functioning person with all these issues thank you very much) as a person or a mom. I don't want anyone to worry. I do ask for help when I need it, if I begin to get overwhelmed I will put her down or hand her off and take a minute to myself. Whether it be stuffing my face with some carrot cake, taking the dogs outside and enjoying the fresh air, or just bawling my eyes out (I'm talking ugly cry) until I feel better. It isn't something I enjoy doing, I don't feel good having to have someone else take care of my daughter even if it is only for a few minutes it makes me question myself. This isn't a 24 hour 7 days a week thing (well the postpartum and PTSD is but the breakdowns where I need to walk away is what I am talking about)...mostly just an in the moment thing where I need to remember to breathe. I hate that there is such a stigma on mental health in general and no one talks about it. It sucks that it is seen as a weakness and something that should be hidden..well fuck that because even just me venting (or bitching) about it in a blog post, even if no one reads this, makes me feel just a little better, then I feel like its at least worth it just a little bit.
  I am happy to have her though. I am happy that she is mine and that shes beautiful and healthy. But that doesn't make me any less scared, but again I am doing my best. I just wish I could bitch more and not be judged because of it. Think about it if I were to post a status on any social media platform, that said something like "Super stressed" "Overwhelmed" or "Sad" people's first thoughts would be omg is the baby ok?? yea shes fine. She eat sleeps and poops so I don't think she has too much going on right now.

here's an example of her doing both (in batman style too). But sometimes I just need a hug to be reminded that its ok...that Im ok. It does help that shes an awesome baby, she doesnt really cry too much (yet) and when she does it's pretty easy to figure out what she wants. Although today shes been fussy but I think it is because she is tired and keeps fighting the sleeps. Why any living thing would fight a nap is beyond me. I am sure I did it when I was younger...if only I could go back in time and change that. Stupid baby me. 

I am very grateful and happy with my life but like I said sometimes a girl just needs a moment and needs to feel ok having that moment. I still hide from everyone when I need to cry, family and even bro, I hide from them all. Which is really dumb when you think about it because they have all seen me at my absolute lowest point, but I don't want them to see me now. Doesn't make sense does it? (answer is no) Oh well that's how my stupid brain works and I guess with that I am done venting for the evening. 

As always thanks for reading <3

Welcome Athena!...and other thoughts on becoming a mother

Baby Athena made her arrival on March 13th 2017 at 1:45pm. I was in labor for about 28 hours. All I can say is thank God for epidurals. :) I don't think I could have done it without one. There was a woman in the room next to mine who chose not to have one and holy hell I thought she was being murdered. It was a interesting day because Sunday afternoon I went to the ER thinking I was having her because my contractions were only 5 minutes apart. After a quick exam (3 hours later) they told me no, not dilated enough and sent me home. By then I was starving so Bro and I decided to go to Tijuana Flats and get it to go since I was still having contractions.
 We get home and I am trying to eat but I was hurting so bad that it was difficult to even think about eating. Now I love Tijuana Flats so it was really upsetting not being able to just stuff my face with the delicious food that was before me. I decided to try and distract myself and put on a couple movies. The second movie being Deadpool. As I am watching it I am noticing "Holy shit this really fucking hurts" and like a weirdo tried doing all the breathing exercises I saw them do in the movies...I don't know if they're correct but they helped some so I went with it. In between me feeling as though a bowling ball was getting ready to fall out of my lady space, I googled yoga positions that help with contraction pain because it had only been about 4 hours and I was in denial that I had progressed any further into labor. It wasn't until I was kneeling on the floor screaming when Bro noticed and with a look of sheer concern and confusion asked "What the hell are you doing?" To which I responded "Shut up.....contractions...yoga pose supposed to help...." It didn't by the way in case you were curious. I finished watching Deadpool and decided that I was going to try and take a warm bath (again in denial that I was actually in labor) to try and help with the pain. Well I walked to the bathroom, took one look at Bro and said "We need to go back..I cant handle this I think I am actually in labor". We were both hesitant because it was so late at night now, about 1230am and I didnt want to drive all the way there to be sent home again, which I was certain was going to happen because hey she was already 5 days late why not add a few more days on there, they were going to induce me on wednesday anyway.
 We get there and the old guy at the front desk is making bro go through all the security procedures including being wanded with the metal detector thing. The guy looks at me (who is hunched over on his counter breathing heavily because of contractions ) and says I am so sorry I have to check you so I dont even move and just assume "the position" still leaning on his desk. He kept apologizing which kept making me laugh. I did feel bad though because he felt bad lol good times. We get in the room and they check me again sure enough I am 4CM and the nurse asks me "were you doing an epidural?" I don't think I have ever answered a question faster than I did that one. "Yes please" shot out of my mouth before I even realized what was being asked. All while this was going on Bro was making the necessary phone calls. Madison was the first to arrive ( I had received my epidural already which I thought would hurt more and was pleasantly surprised when it didnt but I also couldnt move my legs at all...not even a little). Once the epidural was in my body decided that it was time for a nap while Bro Madison and chris went to get food for themselves. When Madison came back I apparently made her promise to come over for meatloaf. I apparently made her swear she would come over for meatloaf and was very relieved when she promised she would. I say apparently because I DON'T REMEMBER A DAMN THING about any meatloaf related conversations. I don't even like meatloaf that much to make someone promise to come over for some. But I did and now that is my favorite story of the day. Bro also got to deliver Athena which was really awesome too. My doctor is pretty amazing and let him deliver her with his help of course and then he cut the cord which is really gross looking. When Peanut was born they put her on my chest, she was still covered in stuff and was really gross and slippery and I was so concerned I was going to drop her (didn't thank god) but I heard her little cry for about a second and then she was good and just laid there.
  We had family and some friends come visit us in the hospital and have had many people come visit us at home and lend a hand whether it be watching her so we can nap,shower, eat or whatever to bringing us dinner so we dont have to cook. Thank you all!! WE LOVE YOU!!
 Peanut seems to be adjusting well. I wish I had her life though...eat sleep poop repeat. Bro is the happiest Ive ever seen him and well me...it  is no surprise that Ive been struggling. Depression really likes to hit when youre feeling good. I am so happy I have her but then I think of all the ways I could possibly mess this up. Is she eating enough? is she healthy? etc. I get overwhelmed espically because it was a year ago that I had my miscarriage and still think about the baby we lost. Also Jerrys birthday next month reminds me about how we had everything planned out and I never got to experience this kind of happiness with him. Regardless of how happy I am and how I love my life I still think of him everyday and miss him so much. I know that hole in my heart that is meant for him and it cant be filled and I understand that so I guess it is a little easier to cope with him not here. I love Bro and I love Jerry. The best thing about Bro is that he knows how much I love Jerry and miss him and never tries to make me feel bad for it and never gets jealous. He just tells me that Jerry is watching over me and Peanut now. Sometimes she stares at his picture or his medals and smiles...not gonna lie to you scares the hell out of me. lol
  But through the depression, anxiety and shit tons of self doubt I am happy and excited for what to future holds. I know were gonna have our speed bumps along the way but overall I believe we got this... and if anything we have a great support system. <3 Peanut is finishing her photoshoot on thursday and I cant wait to share all the pictures with everyone :) For now here is one they took in the hospital.

 Shes cute :)

Let the countdown begin! (I have a potty mouth so this is your warning :))

9 days. I am due in 9 days..( well almost 8 because its 10pm as I write this). Emotions are as follows: happy, excited, terrified and panic..sheer panic I've had to go to the ER like 4 times for a few different reasons, mostly because my doctors office receptionist suck and never relay any of my messages in time to get back to me or they have to reschedule my appointments for whatever reason, so again I panic (thank you PTSD) and go to the ER. I think well it is better to be safe than sorry...but then I get there and they go "Oh first time mom" and I know they think I am overreacting or worried for no reason so then they treat me differently and it sucks. After those kinds of experiences I then continue to fight with myself when I feel cramps or pains and cant get a hold of my doctor to see if I should go to the ER or wait it out. Constant loop of self doubt and anxiety...so now as I write this I am hurting...cant tell if its braxton hicks, cramps or contractions. Its to the point where I literally just want my water to break so that I know they cant say anything to me.  I'm about to get really personal so if you want to skip to the next paragraph that is OK but I need to vent and well I've never really been that shy.Thursday I was in the ER and they wanted to test to see if my water broke, which is a simple qtip test...well the nurse messed up and ended up damaging me...you're probably thinking "Rai how did she mess up" well you see ladies and gents instead of putting the qtip where it needed to go she put it in my urethra...which then caused excruciating pain every time I had to pee, I would literally feel like I was peeing broken glass and fire at the same time. "But Rai didn't you inform the nurse something didn't feel right??" Oh yes..yes I did. In between me screaming and crying and begging her to stop because it hurt so damn bad. After the test was completed she said it shouldn't hurt its just a qtip....well bitch that may have been your first indication something was wrong as I continued to sob uncontrollably from the pain. Then I go to pee and what do you know it hurts and there is some blood. They warn you after exams there will be spotting so I double checked with the nurse who assured me it was normal. OK I trust you, I did not go to school for this you did, you know. Well I get sent home and it still hurts like hell and now I am crying everything I pee because it hurts that bad. I texted a nurse I know and she told me no you shouldn't be hurting that isn't normal, they may have damaged your urethra....great. Call my OBGYN "No that is not normal and you should go back to ER if the pain doesn't go away" OK cool, try not to panic, go pee again and there is blood. Now I have had a period every month since I was 13, I KNOW the difference between spotting and bleeding. When I say there was a lot of blood I am not kidding, looked like a scene from Carrie. So now I am crying because it hurts and 2 you should never see that much blood. Now because of my miscarriage I am a little more paranoid when it comes to bleeding because that is a trigger for me. So I go back to ER and asked to speak to someone in charge because lady hurt my stuff and I don't want her to touch me again, and they treat me like complete shit. I didn't have to see that nurse which was good but now the new nurse thinks I am crazy and "theres no way she damaged your urethra I don't know where you'd get that info from"...."Well 2 nurses actually" ....now she looks irritated. On the pad I was wearing was old blood and I told her its only fresh when I pee and I have to pee do you want me not to flush to show you? "well no its spotting because you had an exam".....Its not spotting its more than spotting, but she refused to listen to me. Peed in a cup and she goes your urine is dark you probably have a UTI...EXCUSE ME....NO THERES BLOOD IN IT WHICH IS WHY IT LOOKS LIKE THAT..again refuses to hear me out. Doctor comes in tells me I am dialed and that could be the cause of the pain. At this point I am over trying to discuss my concerns because it is obvious that no one gives a shit or they just want to save their own asses. She tells me it probably hurts again because of a uti...well wouldn't it have hurt before the exam...apparently not. So they tell me well we can test your urine which is super  dark and sluggish but you probably didn't provide a good sample so it wouldn't be worth it.....(then why mention it) I had to ask twice for them to test. Finally results came back and they tell me yup horrible uti (I don't believe them because nothing bothered me before the exam) tell me to take antibiotics and go home (ok bye, I just want to leave). Go home continue to cry and be in pain. Next day (keep in mind I didn't fill my script yet because it wouldn't be ready until the next day) and what do you know the pain isnt as bad and the bleeding has stopped. Now I am no doctor but I am pretty sure if I had a "horrible" uti it wouldn't have just disappeared on its on the next freaking day. Texted nurse friend again who said "yea they damaged you and pretty much didn't want to admit it"...cool. Oh well not like I can do anything about it but still makes me feel stupid and like I don't want to go back. Unfortunately the other hospitals here suck or don't have a maternity ward.
SAFE TO READ IF PAST HERE IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO READ TMI STUFF.
  Work put me on maternity leave early. Not horribly early, just 2 days but its been nice to sit home and prepare to the best of my pregnant ability.  However, I do miss some of my co workers and feel bad for leaving them. My hormones have been pretty mild, I do have bouts of preggo rage every now and then but nothing crazy. I think its because in general my emotions are crazy (thanks again PTSD) and I can tell when I need to relax but this past week everything makes me cry. Minor things, pinch my finger (doesn't even hurt) cry, cant get comfortable..cry, something that is mildly overwhelming...cry. I am so over it, I am ready for her to be out but then I sit in her nursery and just want to cry because I don't know if I can do this. I mean I make jokes and poke fun about it but seriously I don't know. I know that it might change when I see and whatnot but I don't know. Still scared. Bro will be a pro for sure. I already know that, hes great with kids and kids love him. Hes amazing and will be amazing and I just sitting here questioning every decision Ive ever made. But I know I have a lot of support and will have help and again I am probably just overreacting but I don't know what else to do but try to work through it and try to remain positive.
  I don't know if she actually wait until her due date because I am hurting like hell right now. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and hopefully they keep it because if they don't I may actually murder someone.
          On a more positive note I went with bro this weekend to watch him coach in the wrestling regionals. I took a lot of pictures of him and the kids for their moms, I also walked up and down the bleachers about 20 times each day (in hopes of  speeding up labor because I am over this...as mentioned before). The moms surprised me a threw a baby shower for us. It was so sweet, we got cute outfits, some soft toys and blankets, a cool night light that projects onto the ceiling and my favorite thing THE SHARK STROLLER!!! I love it! Its so cute. Seeing the kids call him coach and seeing his big goofy when 2 of the boys made it to states. He is going to be a wonderful dad I just know it.
        School is going ok too, I was worried taking 3 classes but the work hasn't been too heavy for me so that's good. Now I am just trying to get ahead a few assignments so that when she comes I don't have to worry for just a bit. But finding the energy to do so is almost impossible, all I want to do is nap and when I try I cant get comfortable enough to fall asleep. Pregnancy is great lol
 Well I am done venting for the evening. I have to try and get some sleep before my doctors appointment tomorrow. Fingers crossed I get some answers and reassurance.

Pity party...table for 1 please

This will not be inspirational or upbeat or positive, its exactly what the title says pity party just for me. But you know what I am allowed to have one because damn it I have been positive about L.I.T.E.R.A.L.L.Y everything. I disgust myself somethings with how positive I can be, so let me have one.
 I am 31 weeks today, I feel her move everyday which is comforting given that I still check for signs of a miscarriage, depressing I know. But with that I am on an emotional rollercoaster. PTSD is kicking my ass, I use my techniques to help me deal with the panic attacks and what not but sometimes they don't work. Not everything has a solution but and sometimes I just have to cry it out  but I hate doing that. Hate it. Can't wait to be able to have my medication again or sleep on my stomach, I really miss sleeping on my stomach. But it makes me question whether or not I am going to be a good mom. Like everyone is super nice and of course no one is gonna be like you're going to be a shitty mom, but I get nervous. Like right now I am so overwhelmed with everything. I have a wonderful job which I absolutely love but now I cant do as much as I used to and I feel a little useless. I like to believe that I have a good work ethic and that I am a good worker and right now I don't feel that way. When I try (or have to...oh shady) do a lot of stuff I end up feeling like I am dying, I have a co worker who would constantly tell me early in my pregnancy that "soon you won't be able to do all this work" and I didn't believe her....Brittany if you're reading this I believe you now. I should have listened to you sooner. lol But really it makes me feel like I am not doing a good job. But I do have some amazing co workers who I consider friends who do help me so much and I appreciate it, like there aren't words to express my gratitude.
  To add to my ever expanding life, we decided to get a puppy. What the fuck was I thinking...lol. "Oh I have a baby on the way, I work full time,and about to be a full time student what else should I add? oh a puppy" hes crazy and has cost me more in phone chargers than i've ever spent (even though I've hid them from him) and drives me absolutely crazy sometimes i still love him and I wouldn't want anyone else to have him. Hes a pain in the ass but hes my pain in the ass.

i mean look at his face....

Trying to sign up for school has been such a pain in the ass too. Classes start soon and of course theyre taking their sweet ass time getting me my paperwork....like a bitch wants to learn...let me learn. damn. 

 But I know everything will be ok and eventually I will get my shit together and it will all fall into place. And as if I didnt need a sign from Jerry to lighten the fuck up this came into the mail today. 

jerrys telling me to buy a hot tub. lol

 In case you can't read it, it's addressed to him lol 

Widows retreat, Holidays, PTSD and a Baby on the way.....life is interesting..excuse my foul language like usual

 When I had last posted I was on a widows retreat in Palm Coast. I had a wonderful time and met some wonderful ladies. One of which encouraged me to continue writing and was really supportive of my blog and other writing adventures. I encouraged her to start a instagram for her shoes because OMG they are fantastic and I wish I was her. :] But seriously I have shoe envy. The retreat was a lot of fun, it was very different from other retreats I had been to because it was a mixture of Military and Civilian 9/11 widows. The view was incredible and I wish I could wake up every morning and have my coffee on a balcony facing the ocean, but bitch be broke so that wont happen, so I made sure to enjoy every moment of it. Here is a picture of all the beautiful ladies <3 I still need to add most of them on Facebook, i just suck and havent done it lol

 dat view doe

 on the beach :]

But like most retreats I again was the youngest, which sometimes bothers me because the other ladies will talk about their children and half the time I am the same age as them, but that doesn't deter them from treating me like a sister. This time was special too because Athena got to join me while I was there and everyone was super nice and understanding about the fact that I needed my preggo naps and would wake me up when we were about to do an activity which was super sweet because I didnt want to miss out on anything. The only activity I missed out on was Zumba and I was bummed but Athena wasn't having any of that so I sat and enjoyed watching the ladies have a good time. But next my ass is doing some zumba even if I am uncoordinated and will probably fall over. 

The holidays are particularly difficult for anyone who has experienced a loss in their life. Jerry tends to weigh heavily on my mind everyday but during the holidays its much worse. As you know he was killed in October, just weeks before he was scheduled to come home for R&R. He was to spend thanksgiving with us and of course that didn't happen. So thanksgiving is always a little weird for me. I usually get very overwhelmed at the slightest things because PTSD likes to control your actions and thoughts during that time. I do my best to put a smile on my face, but often times need to hide for 10 minutes to cry it out but I wipe the tears away and continue to celebrate with my family and friends. But I know I'm not alone. I am not alone in missing him and not alone in grieving for someone who isn't here anymore. Its always going to suck that hes gone, I know this but I also know that its ok for me to miss him and its ok for me to talk about him and if you have a problem with that, well dont listen because I dont have time for you anyway. People may feel as if were holding on to our husbands and not grieving or not "getting over it" quick enough and to them I say "suck it". Have your spouse die and then tell me its ok to move on and not talk about him. We dont talk about them because were stuck in that moment in time, we talk about them because we love them and want to remember their faces, their mannerisms, and who they were, not because we "cant let go". So poo on you people who dont understand, but know if anything were to happen in your life and you needed me I would still be here for you even if youre an insensitive dick. :]

BABY UPDATE

Athena is doing good, I am officially 25 weeks pregnant and according to my app she is the size of a Prairie dog, yea I dont know my app compares her to weird shit. But shes kicking and moving around so much and its so good to feel her. After the miscarriage I was nervous I would never make it to this point, but every little kick reminds me that shes in there and this is real. Can we level real quick on pregnancy nightmares? Like what the actual fuck? I heard stories about the possibility of  having vivid dreams but no one warned me that I would be fighting off giant monsters and witnessing the world crumble around me in my sleep. More often than not the dreams are terrifying and I wake up panicking (of course depression, anxiety and insomnia from my PTSD are "intensified" as the doctor put it) and cant fall back asleep because you know monsters and shit. Sometimes they are the stupid scary dreams like I'm a mermaid and then I get attacked by sharks and parana or something. With those I usually wake up, slow my breathing, laugh and go back to sleep. But then there are some where I am witnessing people be murdered and I'm like oh this is fantastic and wake up feeling as if I seriously just witnessed them all be taken from me, so like a wierdo I go check on everyone in the house because for some reason it makes me feel better, then I go force my cat to love me for a second (who is currently trying to attack me as I write this) , turn the tv on to some stupid show that will distract my mind and do my best to go back to sleep and hopefully not have anymore crazy ass dreams. I keep telling myself I wont forget them but I always do so I think I am going to write them down, like I said some are funny but others I can do without.

My baby shower is coming up and I am super excited and also nervous because I don't like being the center of attention...ever. Some people are like well you've had birthday parties haven't you? well yes but I'm a twin so I always shared that spot light :] But my bestest friend is planning it with my sister,mom, her mom and her mother in law I believe and I trust them and know they will do an amazing job. I also know they will go overboard because as my bestie keeps reminding me shes had this planned since we were like 13 years old. I love my friends and family, were all crazy and fight sometimes but I wouldn't change them for anything and I couldn't be happier to bring my little girl into this world and into this family. 

I feel the need to give a big shout out to some of my co-workers who despite only knowing me since June have seriously been absolutely amazing to me. They make sure I am not over doing it and there is a couple who I can bitch to about anything and talk about this crazy pregnancy with and just be me around and that is very comforting because I am strange and thats ok because thats me but not everyone can handle my weird self and its just nice to mesh with people. Its also super amazing that they are excited about me having my baby and talk about it constantly and reassure me that I got this and that I will be great. You guys are awesome if any of you happen to read this. <3 

Well I guess thats all for now. Until next time xoxo here are some pictures of my crazy life :]

 right before Halloween with literally the most supporitive man alive. 

  this is what happens on thanksgiving when you play around too much on snapchat. #familygoals