Mental illnesses suck and not in the fun way and a little note to a special friend.

 If you have read any one of my posts you know I have severe anxiety and depression and have been diagnosed with PTSD. To say that I suffer from mental illness is an understatement. But if you ever met me in real life you probably would have never guessed. Why you may ask...well that because I do my best to walk around with a smile on my face everyday no matter how much I am hurting. When I finally chose to open up to people and tell them, everyone is shocked. I usually get the "what the fuck Rai" answer. Dont worry I ask myself the same question. Some days I am good, I genuinely smile, laugh and have a good time. But then there are days where I cant even muster up a fake smile. The past few days have been particularly hard for me. I am not sure why but part of me thinks it due to the time of year. Two years ago I had the miscarriage, Jerry's birthday is coming up as well as our wedding anniversary, and as silly as it may sound the day me and Jerry started dating. When I think of these looming days I think of all the memories that go with them. The good and the bad. How devastated and utterly alone I felt sitting in my bed on bed rest while my dead baby left my body. How my stomach fluttered with thousands of butterflies when Jerry and I shared our very first kiss in 2004 while sitting on the back of my dads truck (sorry pops), the one time we went down town for St Pattys day when Jerry was almost 21 and the bouncer gave him a free pass to drink even though he didn't want to.  How on Jerry's 18th birthday the tradition of gifting him Twix and Mountain Dew Code Red started and most importantly how much I fucking miss him. I am happy with my life but I will always have a hole in my heart. always and it sucks because with that hole comes the daily struggles of anxiety and depression. Everyday I do my best to make people smile and laugh because I dont want them to know something is wrong. Even if they ask its not like I can really put into words whats wrong. So usually when asked I just reply with "I'm just tired" or "Just off today" because it is extremely hard to talk about and its hard to put into words which is why I think most people choose not to talk about it. For me I always think I make people uncomfortable when I just openly discuss it. There are only 5 people who I feel 100 percent comfortable talking about Jerry with without hesitation and I am grateful for that but even sometimes I avoid talking to them because it all goes back to "I feel like a burden" "People have their own shit going on" etc. So I keep to myself and suffer in silence. I have one friend tho who I wont call out by name but she knows who she is. Whenever I start to feel down shell text me or pull me aside at work and ask if I am ok. If I say yea shell always ask "But for real tho you ok" and thats how she gets me. Every time. Jerry has been on my mind a lot these past 2 days and even tho I hadn't seen or talked to her in like 3 days and out of the blue I get the are you ok message. Of course I just break down and text her everything *while trying not to cry at work*. Well I finally got to work with her today and she told me why she asks. "Well anytime I think about Jerry and all the stories you tell and how much I would have liked to have met him and then I think about you and say to myself 'Hey I should text Rai" and it never fails anytime I get the are you ok question from her I am thinking about him. And its also kind of nice that she actually listens to my crazy stories. People like her remind me of the good still left on this planet and even though Jerry gone I feel like he uses her to check on me, as silly as that may sound. This world doesn't deserve the wonderful, kindhearted person she is. I know I sure dont. Love you girly and thanks for always being there for me.
  Back to my main point I guess, mental illness, whether it be anxiety, depression, Bi-polar, PTSD, whatever, It fucking sucks. If you know someone who has an issue with it please dont feel afraid to reach out. Dont be mad or upset if they dont answer you or dont want to hang out with you all the time. Talking about, hell even thinking about it is draining that sometimes I just want to stay in bed all day. Dont give up on your friends that are suffering and for fucks sake dont ever fucking say just get over it. Thank you to all of you who still check on me and still ask me to hang out even though I have backed out time and time again. Love you.

Triple threat?

When you hear the phrase "triple threat" you probably think of someone who is an actress, singer and dancer. Well I feel like a triple threat but I cant dance, cant sing and I acted in middle school and trust me it wasnt Oscar worthy. I feel like I am a triple threat in the sense that I work full time, go to school full time (thank god for online classes) and of course I have little Pea. I don't think people give enough credit to those working moms and dads who are working their asses off and going to school. Heres a typical day for me. Wake up at 530-6, let dogs out, curse life, make coffee, thank the gods for coffee, get ready for work, wake up Bro and Pea, get Pea ready play with her for about 10 minutes while Bro is getting ready ( He sometimes takes longer than a woman...I should know I am one and dated one) Go to work, work anywhere from 5 to 12 hours go home cry if needed kiss sleeping baby do homework and go to bed. Sometimes I forget to eat, sometimes (most times) I am a grumpy asshole but damn it I work hard. My house isn't as clean as I want it to be and my meal plans are non-existent. I know I am not the only Mom out there doing it, hell I am not the only Mom at my job doing it but we deserve a pat on the head for how hard we work and all we do. Throw depression and anxiety into the mix, I honestly don't know how I do it. I have my days where it seems impossible. Depression hits me so hard I don't want to move but then I go to work and see some of my favorite people and they make me feel like I am not doing half bad.  At work I have my one friend who I can make the most fucked up inappropriate jokes with but at the same time feel completely comfortable talking about Jerry with her and in return she sometimes talks about her stuff to, a few of them who we plan out drinking nights with sometimes in person sometimes via snapchat, One who no matter what we always call each other after work even if we literally just saw each other, and two who no matter what from dick size to depression i can count on them to talk about whatever. Its so amazing having such a versatile group of people to work with. I did a little something for me...and a little something I guess for Bro but mostly for me. I did another Boudoir shoot with the amazing Violet Joy Photography and I AM SO IN LOVE. Sometimes you just have to do something nice for yourself and this was a little present to me. Of course I will post some of those photos later just need to get them together. It is important to do something nice for yourself every once in a while.
 I am also very excited for this sunday, I will be doing a painting with a twist with some friends from work and then next sunday I will be volunteering at a fucking wolf sanctuary because one of the amazing aforementioned ladies from work got approval for us to go there and help them and guys I AM SO STOKED. Although January has had some rough patches for me I am excited for what this year holds, I really am. So fingers crossed, beers up and bras off because I want to make 2018 my bitch

A little letter to a very special girl

Happy New Year everyone! what a year 2017 was right? I for one am happy it is over. Although 2018 hasnt been wonderful either and fuck were only in the first month. Lets start with the good. Athena had her head scanned (twice thanks to the hospital not getting the correct shot the first time), and although the results were "abnormal" they think shell be fine. Comforting right? Apparently my baby will have a small head but she is expected to develop just fine. So that is good news. I also got my review at work and despite that fact that I thought I would not be receiving a raise this year I actually scored outstanding and will be getting a raise. Which makes me feel pretty awesome and good about all the hours I put into work. We have a new Doctor at our practice who is pretty fucking hilarious and she of course is my age which shot to the ego here makes me feel like a failure. "Oh you're the same age as me and you're a doctor? thats amazing, Oh me? yea I can down an entire bottle of wine in less than 5 minutes but what you're doing is good too". A lot has been going on at work and not to tell anyone's business, some people have had to miss work and I am keeping them in my thoughts because it has been a rough few months for them and I don't blame them for missing work not at all, but it just sucks that they're going through this terrible shit. One thing I will talk about is Daisy (and hopefully her mom wont kill me for talking about her...that is if she even reads this...if she does than HIIII but seriously dont hate me). Daisy is a co-workers dog who I absolutely love.

  Here she is. She is the sweetest, kindest and funniest dog I have ever met and although she wasn't mind she holds a special place in my heart. A while back Daisy was attacked and was hurt pretty bad. My co-worker (dare I say friend) brought her in and she looked rough. Between her mom, the doctors and about 3 other techs that day, Daisy was not left unattended. We were scared for her and wasn't sure if she would make it. But as time passed she got better and started to heal up nicely started acting like her goofy self until after Christmas when all of the sudden things changed. Daisy wasn't eating and her mom knew something wasn't right. Cancer. Fucking Cancer. I will die a happy woman if I never have to deal with that word again but unfortunately I know that wont happen. The day we found out I tried not to cry. I tried to be strong for my friend but again I love Daisy and my heart was broken. They tried Chemo but it wasn't working. We all knew in a sense what would happen next. Daisy passed. I got a call from a friend at work. "Daisys gone Rai" and I just cried. I fell to the ground and cried. I cried for Daisy, I cried for her mom and I cried because my heart was broken. Pittys get a bad rap but this girl could light up a room she was beyond special just like her mom. Now her mom is going through some other things and to be honest she is one of the strongest people I know. I work with some pretty amazing people. Yes it is an all female practice and we will bitch and moan about each other but when it is all said and done at the end of the day these people are my family and when they hurt, I hurt. So Daisy, just know that I love you and will miss you more than you know and I promise to watch out for your momma. Titi loves you.

Today is Thanksgiving. There is a lot that I am thankful for few examples, my family, my friends new and old, my fur babies, My home, my job (even tho I bitch a lot...lets be honest who doesnt), the fact that I can go to college and many other things. But I also cant help but be bitter. It is because Jerry is gone that I have the opportunities that I do. Its a double edged sword I suppose. The holidays bring on a certain sense of bitterness for those who are missing someone who is no longer here. The holiday feels just a more empty. Around this time of year I am very on edge ( I know I have mentioned it in my previous post) My anxiety is high, number of panic attacks go up and I cant say his name out loud because it will send me into tears. So most wonderful time of the year my ass. lol.
I just wish others would understand, its difficult to explain why at a certain moment I am having a panic attack, or the fact that someone said something to me in a different tone of voice caused me to cry (this happens a lot due to my overthinking of a situation. My brain likes to make it into a bigger deal that it is) but it all boils down to the fact that he isnt here and that I miss him. I have been thinking of a lot of regrets that I have lately (because why not kick myself when Im down right?) and a lot have to do with his family. I regret that we arent closer. I regret that we dont talk. Part of me feels like its almost to late. I talk with his mother here and there, make sure she is doing ok and reminding her that I am thinking about her because I dont want her to think she is alone. I dont do it as much as I should, life gets so busy sometimes and I know that is not an excuse.
 I just cant stop thinking that 7 years ago today Jerry and I spent our first and only Thanksgiving as a married couple. I feel so robbed sometimes.
 It gets difficult for me at work sometimes. There arent many who understand or that can relate. I love (most) coworkers, but very few are comfortable about talking about it. Funny since we experience and assist in animals crossing the rainbow bridge almost on a weekly basis. I guess when you have experiences you become a little jaded I suppose. For about 8 weeks running there was a euthanasia or DOA coming into the hospital. Unfortunately around this time of year is when everyone decides to say goodbye and those appointments tend to fill the schedule more than others. They are not easy appointments to go into and more often than not when I am there I am either taking the room or assisting in some way. It takes its toll, especially when you have another client coming in screaming at us that we dont care, all we care about is money. No corporate cares about money. Sometimes I am the one who stays with your pet as they cross that rainbow bridge, I cry for them because I am the last face they see, a stranger. I hug them and pet them one last time and after they are gone I say a silent prayer for them (even if you stay I was pray for them). I love my job but it can be really hard, especially when you are clinically depressed. But hey probably more than half the people I work with suffer from depression so at least I am not alone. Brightside of things I guess.  There are people who constantly say they wish they had my job or they want to do what I do, it is not easy and a lot of people who say that I know for a fact cant handle it, but there is no nice way of saying it so I just say yea and smile. When I first got the job as a nurse I wasnt sure how I was going to handle it or even if I was going to stay with it, but I do help in helping a lot animals and that makes the hard times worth it. I like how my thought of how it can be hard to talk to coworkers turned into a depressing tangent about the hard parts of my job. Well if you have ever wondered what it is like inside my brain (which is not pretty lol lets be honest) there you go, one random tangent to the next.
 This holiday season I will continue trying to do my best, if not for me at least for Pea and Jerry. I do my best not to cry in front of her or get upset or have a panic attack but sometimes it just happens and it sucks. I know what you must be thinking "God this post is depressing" Im sorry lol I try to write what I am thinking and sometimes shit just gets dark. But you just have to roll with the punches. Ready for a laugh? I have to go get ready for church. :p Unfortunately I am not joking Bros mom wants me to go, well all of us. I dont have anything against churches or religion, I just have my own set of beliefs and mine and hers arent the same. Not saying there is anything wrong with that it just isnt for me. But it is important for her and if it makes her like me a little bit more I will go and just sit and watch the ASL interpreters sign and pray I dont burst into flames. just kidding. Or am I?
Happy Thanksgiving everyone, stay safe and eat too much

Holidays and other things

The time is coming. The time that all surviving families and friends dread... the holidays. I am not saying that I am a Grinch, but hey when you see everyone so in love and spending time with their husbands who are home (and alive) it is a harsh reminder of what you don't have. I also dread this time because on Facebook and Youtube there will be an influx of "coming home" videos. I love coming home videos and I ugly cry at every single one (double ugly cry if it involves animals). I guess what I am trying to say is don't forget to invite the surviving families out to events you're hosting, invite the Mom and the wife for a drink, don't forget that this time, whether they know it themselves or not, is a really shitty time of year and the last thing they need is to feel like even more of an outcast. With that being said lets do some recapping of the last few months shall we.
First things first, halloween was pretty awesome. It was Peas first and it came with a lot of mixed emotions. Happy because I love Halloween and sad because shell never have a first one again.

 here she is visiting her first pumpkin patch

 second pumpkin patch

trick or treating with her cousin

 Here is her 8 months picture that I love. Her check up is in a week or so and although weve pretty much been told her noodle is fine I still get very worried. One day I was talking with a co worker about everything and I broke down. With my depression it gets very hard sometimes but I never allow myself to cry and I know I should. Anyway I broke down to her and she told me something I will never forget. "She has one hell of a guardian angel." Those words have stuck with me ever since. I know Jerry is watching over me and her. He would have loved her. The daughter he always wanted. It breaks my heart that I was never able to give that to him but we were so young and we watched so many other military couples fail after having a child and I didnt want that for us. It is one of my biggest regrets. But sometimes I will say to her "tell him hello for me and that I miss him. Tell him thank you for keeping you safe." Being a widow sucks. Being anyone who lost someone really close sucks. 

Work has been good lately, always a little crazy and a little irritating but usually good. A lot of changes are happening and I am excited and interested in seeing where it goes. There is still some resentment about me becoming a tech but I dont say anything I just let them deal with their issues and try to give good constructive criticism when asked. 

Bro is coaching cocoa beach high wrestling again this season and he loves it just like last year. This year you can tell hes a little more comfortable which is good because I know  how important it is to him. When he isnt coaching he is watching Athena so I can work and do school. Hes truly an amazing man. I know some people think it is strange to love my husband and Bro at the same time but like I have mentioned before it is like I am two separate people. One that was with Jerry and the one thats with Bro. I do my best to not compare the relationships and Bro is always super respectful of what Jerry and I had. He drove me to meritt island to the new (maybe not new but new to me) Veterans Memorial. There is a section dedicated to those who lost their lives in Operation Enduring Freedom and the other tours but Jerrys name was there and it is always bitter sweet. Im glad that he is being remember I just wish he was never gone. 

Thank you everyone who takes the time to read these I know theyve kind of been more on my depressive side lately but I am working on it. One day at a time. A big thank you to my amazing family for my early christmas present and my friends for always being there for me and making me laugh. 

My widow fuck it list

Well I made a list and I did it. 
1.visit Jerry ✔

2. Eat something Jerry would. We went to bjs brewhouse where I ate fried cheese and had a beer :)

3.Get a tattoo✔✔ thank you to Jim Gibbonsat anchors up amazing work as always 

4.Buy myself something nice- I got my nails done in matte black of course 
5. Allow myself time to cry- still working on this one 

Today

Today is October 13th. I hate this day. I hate this day more than any other day in the entire year. Today is the day he left. I know he didnt choose to leave, he was killed, he had no control over that but today is the day it stopped being RaiAnne and Jerry and just started being RaiAnne. Today is the day I had to learn how to begin to live without you. I miss you Jerry like no one can understand. I wonder to myself all the time (despite what people say) If you knew how much I loved you, I wonder that when you died did you know in your heart that I loved you unconditionally. That despite all my fuck ups that I loved you more than anything on this earth. I hope you knew. I miss you more than words can express. I dont just mourn your death, I mourn the life we never got to have. I mourn the children we dreamt of raising, the anniversaries and birthdays we would never get to spend together. Thats why I hate today. But I am going to do my best to hold it together. I saw another widow a few weeks ago on facebook have a widow bucket list. It was her wedding anniversary and she wanted to do somethings. One was eat a particular pie, drink   copious amounts of tequila, etc. So I am creating my own. It is my widow fuck it list:
1. Visit Jer Check
2.Eat something Jer would want to eat
3.Get a tattoo
4.Buy myself something nice
5. Allow myself time to cry
So heres to my widow fuck it list. I miss you Jerry and love you more than words. Until we meet again babe. Thank you for always watching over me.

 Saw a rainbow after I left the cemetery

 Our first Halloween together. Our favorite holiday